Despite having half a uterus and MTHFR, I have two beautiful children. Our baby girl H and big brother, Bug.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Baptism
Hannah test the holy water during the blessing
Family is introduced
Bug was amazing. A true angel.
Pastor Mary loves what she does.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
not just winter blues
Winter Blues have come for a visit and wont go away. I've been so sick this winter season catching every little thing that passes by. I'm simply tired of being ill. Bug told me the other day that I "dont exist" broke my heart and brought tears to my eyes. He says I am a "boring Mommy that wont do anything fun." dammit I hate being sick. Hannah wont let me out of her sight either.
Now that my body is healing...kinda...my mind is failing me. I suffer from depression and have since I was a kid. I work at a middle school and a six grade girl said to me today, Depression stinks. She said she was on 20 mg of meds daily. I said, yes it does. I know it does. I asked her if she talked to her guidance counselor and she said yes, alot. breaks my heart. I was there at her age and sadly at 32 continues to struggle everyday with it. Winter is worse though. Really worse.
I kept thinking today how much I dont like myself. How much I just wanted to hide in my bed and blankets and just sleep. Then Bugs comments slammed into my gut again. It's so hard. I pray that my children do not inherit this trait. I wish things came easier for me. I wish I didn't have to struggle constantly to be in a place that others take for granted. I wish my best friend and mom was still alive. February marks 5 years and the nightmares are returning. Of losing her. or having her beat the cancer but then being a completely different person, hating me. Or not remembering me, or simply is mean. It's a reoccurring feeling and even if the dreams are slightly different the concepts are the same. I can't wait for the day, or rather night, when I dream of her and it's happy and real feeling as if she is still alive. Giving me a small piece of her. I hate that my children are growing up without her. They are missing so much. What they dont know wont hurt them, but I know and it hurts me.
It's crazy when I get low like this, missing her hurts more. I feel so alone sometimes. I seriously dont have many local friends. It's so hard to maintain a friendship when you can't function or can't be happy around them. I hate being the negative nelly. But it's hard to maintain a conversation when you have nothing good to contribute. I often hide behind my kids, but I wish I could be a grown up around other grown ups and share girls night or shopping or anything with a female friend. I envy those who have life long friends. and I guess that is also what makes me miss my mom so much. She loved me for me and was happy to simply be around me and was understanding when I got in these funks and was ok just being in the same room not talking but being there.
My husband and I got in an a rare argument the day before xmas. I had to leave the house I was so hurt and frustrated. I wanted to go to a girl friend's house and bitch. I thought if we couldn't work out our disagreement and needed to get divorced (total extreme but we have a couple friends divorcing so it's present in my mind) those what ifs. My job is one of love not high pay. I wouldnt make enough to support myself and two kids. I live in hubby's home town with no connections with other people that aren't connected to him. My family lives an hour and half away. I couldn't up root our kids from the only life they know. But I have no one here for me. Simply me. not us, but me. It gets to be lonely. But again, my depression gets in the way of everything. I have a hard time maintaining friendships. Not hiding in my house like a hermit. I can't even go to the grocery store without having a panic attack, so my husband does our shopping.
Bug is demanding my attention...I'm lucky I got this much time without interruption
...
sorry for the pity party and if you have read this long rant...thank you.
Now that my body is healing...kinda...my mind is failing me. I suffer from depression and have since I was a kid. I work at a middle school and a six grade girl said to me today, Depression stinks. She said she was on 20 mg of meds daily. I said, yes it does. I know it does. I asked her if she talked to her guidance counselor and she said yes, alot. breaks my heart. I was there at her age and sadly at 32 continues to struggle everyday with it. Winter is worse though. Really worse.
I kept thinking today how much I dont like myself. How much I just wanted to hide in my bed and blankets and just sleep. Then Bugs comments slammed into my gut again. It's so hard. I pray that my children do not inherit this trait. I wish things came easier for me. I wish I didn't have to struggle constantly to be in a place that others take for granted. I wish my best friend and mom was still alive. February marks 5 years and the nightmares are returning. Of losing her. or having her beat the cancer but then being a completely different person, hating me. Or not remembering me, or simply is mean. It's a reoccurring feeling and even if the dreams are slightly different the concepts are the same. I can't wait for the day, or rather night, when I dream of her and it's happy and real feeling as if she is still alive. Giving me a small piece of her. I hate that my children are growing up without her. They are missing so much. What they dont know wont hurt them, but I know and it hurts me.
It's crazy when I get low like this, missing her hurts more. I feel so alone sometimes. I seriously dont have many local friends. It's so hard to maintain a friendship when you can't function or can't be happy around them. I hate being the negative nelly. But it's hard to maintain a conversation when you have nothing good to contribute. I often hide behind my kids, but I wish I could be a grown up around other grown ups and share girls night or shopping or anything with a female friend. I envy those who have life long friends. and I guess that is also what makes me miss my mom so much. She loved me for me and was happy to simply be around me and was understanding when I got in these funks and was ok just being in the same room not talking but being there.
My husband and I got in an a rare argument the day before xmas. I had to leave the house I was so hurt and frustrated. I wanted to go to a girl friend's house and bitch. I thought if we couldn't work out our disagreement and needed to get divorced (total extreme but we have a couple friends divorcing so it's present in my mind) those what ifs. My job is one of love not high pay. I wouldnt make enough to support myself and two kids. I live in hubby's home town with no connections with other people that aren't connected to him. My family lives an hour and half away. I couldn't up root our kids from the only life they know. But I have no one here for me. Simply me. not us, but me. It gets to be lonely. But again, my depression gets in the way of everything. I have a hard time maintaining friendships. Not hiding in my house like a hermit. I can't even go to the grocery store without having a panic attack, so my husband does our shopping.
Bug is demanding my attention...I'm lucky I got this much time without interruption
...
sorry for the pity party and if you have read this long rant...thank you.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Saturday, December 4, 2010
CRAZY
Life is a wee bit crazy. Hannah isn't sleeping again, but the ENT follow up for her tubes went great. Not sure what is going on. She has a cold, but geesh. Dr. appt today was canceled because I took Bug to swim lessons and hubby couldn't find my car keys. MIL used my car last and now she is home and doesn't remember where she put them. Good Grief. (after three hours of searching they were found in Hannah's car seat...perfect place for them)
I have three former zits on my face that are now full blown infection. Not sure what the hell that is about, but they hurt like mad.. One is in my nose and man that hurts terrible. I dont know why they aren't healing. They look hideous. and again, I will say, they HURT.
Hannah is turning one in less then a week. YIKES. how did that happen. We are broke and seriously, with all the illness around here I have no energy to go all out. I feel guilty, but what can I do. I just dont have the energy that I did when AJ turned ONE. She can't even have cake. Although I did talk to our "cake lady" so she is going to use Silk instead of regular milk. so maybe, she will eat it. I made a cake for her during our Thanksgiving birthday celebration with my family and her cousins (five birthdays in a four day span) and she had no interest... We shall see.
~Hannah is threatening to turn of the computer. I'm off..
Oh yeah. Weight update...I've lost 14 pounds. Go me. still not under 200, but I am excited that someday soon that will be the case (14 more pounds to go).
R
I have three former zits on my face that are now full blown infection. Not sure what the hell that is about, but they hurt like mad.. One is in my nose and man that hurts terrible. I dont know why they aren't healing. They look hideous. and again, I will say, they HURT.
Hannah is turning one in less then a week. YIKES. how did that happen. We are broke and seriously, with all the illness around here I have no energy to go all out. I feel guilty, but what can I do. I just dont have the energy that I did when AJ turned ONE. She can't even have cake. Although I did talk to our "cake lady" so she is going to use Silk instead of regular milk. so maybe, she will eat it. I made a cake for her during our Thanksgiving birthday celebration with my family and her cousins (five birthdays in a four day span) and she had no interest... We shall see.
~Hannah is threatening to turn of the computer. I'm off..
Oh yeah. Weight update...I've lost 14 pounds. Go me. still not under 200, but I am excited that someday soon that will be the case (14 more pounds to go).
R
Saturday, November 27, 2010
ho-hum
Remember me? It's been awhile. I just haven't had much energy to post. Lost in the hub-bub of life. More my self pity..I've been super depressed. typical when the weather changes to shit. I have to keep myself together for my family. They need me, but all I want to do is sleep. I have no motivation.
I started a 90 day biggest Loser program and it's kicking my butt. I haven't been as diligent as I should For the money I paid and the results that I have been getting in such a short time, I should rock it. I just...ugh
I need to quit smoking. I have been an off and on again smoker since I was 20. This last time I hit them hard. Leaning on them for everything my mind doesn't want to face. And the thing is, my life isn't bad. Not bad at all. Self Loathing for nothing.
Hannah was so sick for so long from Sept to just a week ago she had tubes put in her ears. 7 wks of getting up 6x a night (thankfully hubby split time, but it adds up). She is a whole different child now that she is feeling better, but in that time I kept falling deeper in an exhaustion filled ditch.
Her first birthday is coming up and I feel guilty that I dont have the energy or money to make it a big bash. AJ had so many balloons he was lost in them. So far I have only ordered her cake and set a date. I need to get invites out to the elder generations, cause that is all we are inviting.
She is allergic to milk and that has come to be more difficult to get around. Everything has milk in it.
I'm cranky and tired and taking it out on AJ whom I can't stand his whining. I'm raising my voice more and more and I hate it. His selective hearing is driving me nuts.
hugs to all.
I've been trying to keep up and am happy for those mommy's to be. Seems like everyone I know is pregnant on line and in "real" life.
I started a 90 day biggest Loser program and it's kicking my butt. I haven't been as diligent as I should For the money I paid and the results that I have been getting in such a short time, I should rock it. I just...ugh
I need to quit smoking. I have been an off and on again smoker since I was 20. This last time I hit them hard. Leaning on them for everything my mind doesn't want to face. And the thing is, my life isn't bad. Not bad at all. Self Loathing for nothing.
Hannah was so sick for so long from Sept to just a week ago she had tubes put in her ears. 7 wks of getting up 6x a night (thankfully hubby split time, but it adds up). She is a whole different child now that she is feeling better, but in that time I kept falling deeper in an exhaustion filled ditch.
Her first birthday is coming up and I feel guilty that I dont have the energy or money to make it a big bash. AJ had so many balloons he was lost in them. So far I have only ordered her cake and set a date. I need to get invites out to the elder generations, cause that is all we are inviting.
She is allergic to milk and that has come to be more difficult to get around. Everything has milk in it.
I'm cranky and tired and taking it out on AJ whom I can't stand his whining. I'm raising my voice more and more and I hate it. His selective hearing is driving me nuts.
hugs to all.
I've been trying to keep up and am happy for those mommy's to be. Seems like everyone I know is pregnant on line and in "real" life.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
new tricks: in no particular order
holds her own bottle
swings
stands 
crawls 
sits up
first day of daycare and 1st grade (previous pic she dove out of chair, Bug was seriously not letting it happen again!)
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