Blogger Anonymous

Hi, I'm UnicornMommy and I am a bad blogger...

Baptism

Hannah test the holy water during the blessing


Family is introduced

Bug was amazing. A true angel.

Pastor Mary loves what she does.

not just winter blues

Winter Blues have come for a visit and wont go away. I've been so sick this winter season catching every little thing that passes by. I'm simply tired of being ill. Bug told me the other day that I "dont exist" broke my heart and brought tears to my eyes. He says I am a "boring Mommy that wont do anything fun." dammit I hate being sick. Hannah wont let me out of her sight either.

Now that my body is healing...kinda...my mind is failing me. I suffer from depression and have since I was a kid. I work at a middle school and a six grade girl said to me today, Depression stinks. She said she was on 20 mg of meds daily. I said, yes it does. I know it does. I asked her if she talked to her guidance counselor and she said yes, alot. breaks my heart. I was there at her age and sadly at 32 continues to struggle everyday with it. Winter is worse though. Really worse.

I kept thinking today how much I dont like myself. How much I just wanted to hide in my bed and blankets and just sleep. Then Bugs comments slammed into my gut again. It's so hard. I pray that my children do not inherit this trait. I wish things came easier for me. I wish I didn't have to struggle constantly to be in a place that others take for granted. I wish my best friend and mom was still alive. February marks 5 years and the nightmares are returning. Of losing her. or having her beat the cancer but then being a completely different person, hating me. Or not remembering me, or simply is mean. It's a reoccurring feeling and even if the dreams are slightly different the concepts are the same. I can't wait for the day, or rather night, when I dream of her and it's happy and real feeling as if she is still alive. Giving me a small piece of her. I hate that my children are growing up without her. They are missing so much. What they dont know wont hurt them, but I know and it hurts me.

It's crazy when I get low like this, missing her hurts more. I feel so alone sometimes. I seriously dont have many local friends. It's so hard to maintain a friendship when you can't function or can't be happy around them. I hate being the negative nelly. But it's hard to maintain a conversation when you have nothing good to contribute. I often hide behind my kids, but I wish I could be a grown up around other grown ups and share girls night or shopping or anything with a female friend. I envy those who have life long friends. and I guess that is also what makes me miss my mom so much. She loved me for me and was happy to simply be around me and was understanding when I got in these funks and was ok just being in the same room not talking but being there.

My husband and I got in an a rare argument the day before xmas. I had to leave the house I was so hurt and frustrated. I wanted to go to a girl friend's house and bitch. I thought if we couldn't work out our disagreement and needed to get divorced (total extreme but we have a couple friends divorcing so it's present in my mind) those what ifs. My job is one of love not high pay. I wouldnt make enough to support myself and two kids. I live in hubby's home town with no connections with other people that aren't connected to him. My family lives an hour and half away. I couldn't up root our kids from the only life they know. But I have no one here for me. Simply me. not us, but me. It gets to be lonely. But again, my depression gets in the way of everything. I have a hard time maintaining friendships. Not hiding in my house like a hermit. I can't even go to the grocery store without having a panic attack, so my husband does our shopping.

Bug is demanding my attention...I'm lucky I got this much time without interruption
...

sorry for the pity party and if you have read this long rant...thank you.

Happy New Year

Bug and H Xmas 2010

CRAZY

Life is a wee bit crazy. Hannah isn't sleeping again, but the ENT follow up for her tubes went great. Not sure what is going on. She has a cold, but geesh. Dr. appt today was canceled because I took Bug to swim lessons and hubby couldn't find my car keys. MIL used my car last and now she is home and doesn't remember where she put them. Good Grief. (after three hours of searching they were found in Hannah's car seat...perfect place for them)

I have three former zits on my face that are now full blown infection. Not sure what the hell that is about, but they hurt like mad.. One is in my nose and man that hurts terrible. I dont know why they aren't healing. They look hideous. and again, I will say, they HURT.

Hannah is turning one in less then a week. YIKES. how did that happen. We are broke and seriously, with all the illness around here I have no energy to go all out. I feel guilty, but what can I do. I just dont have the energy that I did when AJ turned ONE. She can't even have cake. Although I did talk to our "cake lady" so she is going to use Silk instead of regular milk. so maybe, she will eat it. I made a cake for her during our Thanksgiving birthday celebration with my family and her cousins (five birthdays in a four day span) and she had no interest... We shall see.

~Hannah is threatening to turn of the computer. I'm off..

Oh yeah. Weight update...I've lost 14 pounds. Go me. still not under 200, but I am excited that someday soon that will be the case (14 more pounds to go).

R

ho-hum

Remember me? It's been awhile. I just haven't had much energy to post. Lost in the hub-bub of life. More my self pity..I've been super depressed. typical when the weather changes to shit. I have to keep myself together for my family. They need me, but all I want to do is sleep. I have no motivation.

I started a 90 day biggest Loser program and it's kicking my butt. I haven't been as diligent as I should For the money I paid and the results that I have been getting in such a short time, I should rock it. I just...ugh

I need to quit smoking. I have been an off and on again smoker since I was 20. This last time I hit them hard. Leaning on them for everything my mind doesn't want to face. And the thing is, my life isn't bad. Not bad at all. Self Loathing for nothing.

Hannah was so sick for so long from Sept to just a week ago she had tubes put in her ears. 7 wks of getting up 6x a night (thankfully hubby split time, but it adds up). She is a whole different child now that she is feeling better, but in that time I kept falling deeper in an exhaustion filled ditch.

Her first birthday is coming up and I feel guilty that I dont have the energy or money to make it a big bash. AJ had so many balloons he was lost in them. So far I have only ordered her cake and set a date. I need to get invites out to the elder generations, cause that is all we are inviting.

She is allergic to milk and that has come to be more difficult to get around. Everything has milk in it.

I'm cranky and tired and taking it out on AJ whom I can't stand his whining. I'm raising my voice more and more and I hate it. His selective hearing is driving me nuts.


hugs to all.

I've been trying to keep up and am happy for those mommy's to be. Seems like everyone I know is pregnant on line and in "real" life.

new tricks: in no particular order

holds her own bottle
swings
stands
crawls
sits up
first day of daycare and 1st grade (previous pic she dove out of chair, Bug was seriously not letting it happen again!)

Hats off

quick note before heading to Bug's first soccer game of the fall season.

Hannah is all through with her helmet. Done. Done and Done....it is now sitting on a pile of clothes in her room to be put away later.

Pictures to come.

schools in session

survived my first week. only three days but hello, that was enough.
love my new position at the middle school working with my old elementary
family and kiddos. I feel bad for all those dont have AC. I'm in one of the two buildings in the districts that have AC. Ifind that a fabulous perk of the middle school. I'm still learning the building, so huge compared to the small country elementary school. I only get lost half a dozen times a day.

AJ is loving first grade. He is doing well and says his new teacher is
very nice. He has homework and is excited about it...boy will that
ever change in the future. Soccer has started and he is one of the
more skilled kiddos on his team, which is great for his little ego.

Hannah is adapting well to her new daycare. K is awesome and finds
Hannah to be a very easy and happy baby. Hannah has an appt. next
Wednesday for her helmet and I am 99.9% sure he will say she is all
done. I can't wait to have a "hats off party" for her (stealing your idea Stacie). Her head is beautiful and with no longer having the helmet all her special needs
services will be done with as PT ended two weeks before school
started. She is at the cusp of crawling and we are baby proofing as we
go. We are digging out the gates, we got at her baby shower, this
weekend. She can roll like crazy when not being helped around by AJ.

Enjoy your holiday weekend. We will try not to melt as this past week is meeting and passing Maine's record highs for this time of year. Not cool. (literally) Earl is heading this way, but hopefully wont hit us too hard as it's going to be just off the coast. But I do foresee losing power at some point due to high winds and rain.

AJ's play date is just about over, we are heading over to FIL for sandwiches as he has AC. Hope all are doing well.

LONG TIME NO SEE

hey all. I am so sorry it's taken so long to post...Having two kids sure is different then one.

We are doing well. Summer has been ok. I fell in a funk that was hard to get out of. Unsure about being recalled for school, but I was so that is good. This past week has been productive. More so then the whole summer combined. Dont think I juggled the age difference well with activities for Bug.

Hannah is near crawling and only has a few more weeks in her helmet. PT is over and she is doing great. She has two teeth on the bottom with two more coming through up top.

Bug is excited for first grade but is having nightmares (like at least four different days in this past week) not sure if this is related cause when he is conscious he is excited. He was sick the other day with a temp of 103.1 which made me nervous, he was talking gibberish. But it's passed with just a sore throat to show for it.

I'll be working Middle school this year with a little girl dx with Downs. I know her from when I worked in elementary three years ago and then via case management. She is a sweetheart but a handful.

H wants my keyboard...will try to be better w/ posting...

if you want to follow via FB then email me...I'm addicted

molding

Hannah had her molding the day after she turned five months. I have never heard her cry so hard. It was almost comical. Every time the dr. moved away from her to get something off the bar she would stop crying, then when he came back she would start crying again, before he even did anything. He was great with her.

Two more weeks and my dear sweet baby girl will have her helmet. I will update later with pictures, cause yeah I took pics the whole time. (I even had Mike and the Dr. taking pictures too). I just dont have the energy to do that right this second. Bug has t-ball in a half hour...then I am taking a nap. I'm exhausted.

4 + 2 = SIX MONTHS!!!!...UPDATE

UPDATE

So, I talked to the Ortho place today. I was told that there is a branch in my backyard instead of the one we were referred to. (this is amazing since it's the only place in the state that our ins. covers. Next closest place in the next state over)

SO, I was like awesome and by the way I want a sooner appt. I got one. For next Wednesday, for eval and scan. I am told this should take 90 min. two weeks from then is the fitting.

She said that these dates were tentative because she needs to wait on approval from ins. I said, NO. these dates are set. If ins. doesn't cover it we will pay out of pocket. Her response. Do you realize how expensive this will be. My immediate reply. You do realize this is my daughter we are talking about. I dont care how expensive it will be. surprising she didn't have a response...

So we wait. BUT only for a week.
________________________________________________________________________________________

Hannah is doing so well that we are reducing her PT session from 2x a week to 1x a week.

I got a call today (message on voicemail) and Hannah's scan for her helmet appt. is June 8th. WTF. JUNE. she will be six months. She was dx at four months. It shouldn't be taking this long. I dont have access to a phone during the day while at work, so I am having hubby call tomorrow to request an earlier date. There better be a time this month.

Right now I am in the line of fire between Bug and his grandfather, Poppy, wrestling session.

better go before I get nailed...

will continue to update soon.

Ms Peggy the PT

Hannah meets Ms. Peggy...I love the expression on Hannah's face. Priceless.


Showing Mommy stretches.

This is the one I am most comfortable doing.


This one much like the first


I think this hurts me more then it does her



Her first official PT session is day after tomorrow. She will have two sessions a week. Tuesday and Thursday. Both at 7:30 before work. ugh. But I will do what needs to be done. This is just a bump in the road and wont hold her back.

Bug starts softball tomorrow. Guess what. I can't find his freakin glove. arg. Tacos tonight, Bug knocked over the meat (which was in my favorite bowl) on the floor, breaking the bowl. I felt so bad for him. He was about to cry. I told him it was just a thing. It could be replaced. Dinner was put on hold while I took hamburg out of the freezer and cooked another batch of meat.

man it's been a busy day. I am t.i.r.e.d. April vacation is over. Back to school tomorrow. The week hasn't even started and I am exhausted. Maybe the routine of school will help me get back on track.

Hannah and X-Rays

Hannah had her PT eval today. She will have PT twice a week. Today we also went and had x-rays done. She is on her way of being fitted for a helmet.

I'm a bit overwhelmed and exhausted. not just physically but emotionally.

It's not bad I suppose compared to what others have gone through and are going through. Many of my friends in blogville and locally.

But I can't help but want to cry that my beautiful baby girl isn't "perfect"

Let it begin

So, I called the ins. company today to find out if they cover corrective helmets. PRAISE GOD and the stars that aligned cause they cover 2,500 bucks worth. The PT that I spoke to over the phone today said that if Hannah needed a helmet they would start at about 1,800.

Hannah's PT eval is tomorrow. She will determine then if H needs a helmet for her Plagiocephaly caused by her Torticollis.

I noticed today that her right ear was higher then her left now.

I swear I am not making this all up. I am looking back at pictures of her when she was first born and even though the flatness of Plagiocephaly, wasn't noticeable the tilting of her head caused by Torticollis definitely was. But I just thought it was because she was a late term preemie and didn't have the strength to hold it to either side.

Bug and his buddy are in from outside declaring they are starving to death, interrupting my thoguhts...So I am off.

Hannah was dx with Torticollis

Hannah in her Bumbo working on her neck muscles




Hannah had her Four month wellness visit today. Her stats are.

weight: 12 lbs 6 oz (17%)
length: 24.5 inches (53%)
Head Circumference 16.5 (71%)

She is a peanut. During her two month visit the dr. advised us to be mindful of her laying on one side too long b/c she was getting a flat spot on the side of her head. We have been really good about this and I brought it up again today b/c the flat spot has gotten worse and she doesn't turn her head to the right well. She will do it, but not for long and only occasionally.

After examining her, she said that Hannah has what is called torticollis

She was referred to PT and after evaluation her the PT may or may not recommend a helmet to help reshape Hannah's skull. It's not totally noticeable in the front. her forehead is pushed forwards a little on one side, but unless she has to wear glasses later in life you probably wont notice. The back is a different story. One side is perfectly round why the other side looks like it was sat on and squished.

The doc. is hesitant for the helmet, but we aren't suppose to lay her on her back for any reason except for sleep. as if. how am I suppose to do that. Wouldn't the helmet help prevent it from getting worse until her neck muscle is working properly?

Hannah four months

Easter Sunday


4 months this week. AJ finally holds Hannah for an Easter Picture.

AJ close to holding Hannah, But not yet. Just over 3 months

Hard to believe this coming week will mark four months... She is still teeny tiny.

TMI and such

OK. second period since having the baby. First of all the post partum bleeding lasted FOREVER. totally unlike Bug. then the 1st real period after was a bit heavier and lasted longer then my typical MTHFR period of barely there three days. THIS time around I have moved into super absorbent and thanks to H for getting up in the middle of the night, cause I had to change my tampon again. I went through TWO in one night. Totally not me. And the cramps, backache and hormone charges to boot. I was complaining to hubby and he was like, but dont you prefer this over the complications of pregnancy. Good point there, Guy. Why yes I do. I stopped complaining.

Big news for me. I GOT A JOB. I will be working in the school as an educational Tech III. It will be working with a very emotionally fragile, extremely behavioral, abused little girl. This is her 2nd foster home in a year, 4th school. My heart breaks for her. But I am not naive enough to not see this as the challenge it will be. I heard from the principle that the (awesome, I know cause I have worked with her in the past) behavioral specialist who has been working with her the last few days until the position was filled (BY ME) that she is draining to staff. But I still can't hold down my excitement.

It's been 13.5 mo of unemployment (that includes the 4ish months I was on bed rest and post partum c/s recovery with H). I know it will be tiring at first. But hope to get in teh swing of things soon.

gotta go. totally lost track of my thoughts since it's been a whole morning since I wrote this, b/c I got boggled down with getting Bug off on the bus then have been with Hannah all morning who refuses to sleep more then ten minutes at a time.

Hugs to all. 3month pic of Hannah to come as soon as I upload them to the computer.

ABC of ME

Not sure why I haven't posted much lately. I just dont seem to have the energy to put my thoughts and post I have written in my head down on "paper".

Thanks to Stacie for this idea.

A - Age: 31 years

B - Bed size: Queen

C - Chore you hate: all chores. mostly cleaning. mostly scrubbing tub.

D - Dog/Pet's name: totally not a dog person. I have a cat tho, Sophie-Girl

E - Essential start to your day item(s): potty break, coffee

F - Favorite color: pink

G - Gold or Silver: silver

H - Height: 5' 4"

I - Instruments you play(ed): sax, but it vibrated my braces so I quit

J - Job title: Mommy. Hopefully after my job interview tomorrow I will have an additional job title.

K - Kisses or hugs: Hugs

L - Living arrangements: own a home in Maine. MIL lives with us (hubby and two kids.)

M - Mood: floundering

N - Nicknames: Nee, Mommy

O - Overnight hospital stays other than birth: 2007

P - Pet Peeves: whining. Gosh, I can not stand it. wishy washy People who can't speak their mind.

Q - Quote from a movie: toe pick

R - Right or left handed: Right

S - Siblings: two older brothers, twin brother, younger sister and new step sister and step bro.

T - Time you wake up: when the kids wake me

U- Underwear: any that fit without hurting my duel c/s scar.

V - Vegetable you dislike: onions

W - Ways you run late: by not getting some place on time...dah.

X - X-rays you've had: mouth, knee, ankle, wrist, back, foot, chest. (sports, car wreck and dentist. I am surprised I am not glowing.)

Y - Yummy food you make: I dont like my own cooking

Z - Zoo favorite: ELEPHANTS.

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If you play along, please let me know. I'd love to see your answers, too.

In Utah, Miscarriage = Criminal Homicide

ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!