But I like Lobster

I love Lobster. My grandfather was a lobster fisherman.

When I was pregnant with Bug we had gone to a five star restaurant, only one in the state (I know I live in boonies) Our meal was over a hundred dollars. So yummy. I had the lobster only to jump up from my chair, book it to the bathroom to lose it.

I returned to the table to finish my meal. This wasn't a restaurant that we go to everyday.or been to before or since. I wasn't going to miss out on the experience. I made several trips to the bathroom until we finally took our desert to go and went back to the cottage we rented.

the fisherman's granddaughter. What a cruel joke. I was pregnant and I couldn't eat lobster or seafood in general.

Now to the present time. We had all you can eat lobster at the mother's day lunch yesterday. I was excited. Like I said, I love lobster.

What do you know. I started to get sick after my second bite. I had two full lobster rolls on my plate and access to more if I wanted. I felt my face go green. I handed my plate to hubby who was sitting next to me and was like...ugh. not again. LOL


So my mother's day started Saturday night during a huge melt down. We were watching a show and the wife was terminal. At the end I just broke down. Boy did I need it.

I've been in such a slump lately. My depression has been in full throttle lately. I feel like I am wasting my life while others dont have much time. I feel guilty. My Hubby deserves better. We talked for a long time. I cried and cried,. I needed it. It was cleansing.

For mother's day Hubby gave me the best present. It was a beautiful six 5x7 picture frame and in it he put pictures of Bug with my Mom. Bug as a baby wearing my mom's glasses, bug and me when he got his first hair cut, bug and me at disney and of us puddle hopping together last month. I love it. It was perfect. I dont know how hubby was able to pick the perfect pictures but he did.

Then I was able to sleep in as late as I could yesterday. I got up just in time to jump in the shower and go to church. Hubby had already bathed and dressed Bug. Church was great. It really was a good sermon. Then we went to MIL mother's camp. Number one snob aunt and uncle weren't there. YES. It was actually fun. I slept on the way home. got home and barely made it to bed where I continued my nap. Woke up to put Bug to bed. Wrestled a little bit and read stories.

It was a wonderful day. All except for my tummy betraying me with the Lobster. I could have done without that. LOL.

It was my day.

I had a good day.

I will write more tomorrow.

I am exhausted.

But I have had such negative post lately that I needed to express to everyone that I had a great day.

R

Not my Mother's day.

tomorrow is Mother's day. Not a great day for me as I miss my Mom terribly.

So I think. hey I am a Mom. I have one live son, two angel babies and a little one on the way. So I think that qualifies me as a Mommy. so tomorrow is my day too right. Riiiiight.

I have to appease my MIL. We are going to church as usual. No sleeping in for me. No silly breakfast in bed. So I get up, go to church. Because we have a new Pastor and MIL wants us there to hear her first official sermon. that is what MIL wants for Mother's day. After church instead of going home and chilling with my son and husband for MY day. I am going to my MIL family camp.

Not fun. My MIL's siblings are stuck up. difficult to be around. I hate making nice. just because it's mother's day and my MIL mother is back from her winter stay in FL. We HAVE to be there. Hubby doesn't even want to go.

Why do i have to make other people happy, when I am not happy myself.

When do I get my day.

Nothing better

There is nothing better then listening to Bug laugh. Except making him laugh myself.

So I watched Ghost Whisperer last night. Melinda is suppose to be 9 weeks pregnant. But they have her in cutesy maternity clothes and she is looking to be four or five months pregnant. It almost takes the fun out of watching the show. I just keep staring at her belly. I keep telling myself that she is wearing a fake baby bump. I dont know why it bothers me so much. It just does.

I havent had much of an appetite lately. But I can't seem to get enough ice cold water.

I wish I had more to talk about. I'm just kinda existing right now. There is so much I need to do. But I just dont have it in me to do it.

2nd post today. heart beat and more

i just got back from my ultrasound. The baby's heart beat is 113. yeah. At first she couldn't find the sweet thing. the implant is high up and tight to the wall. too close for accurate size measurements.

Scared me for a moment. I dont know if it's just a reaction to my mood, but I wasn't overly excited. I was so scared. I had this big sigh of relief where I was holding my breath and then I could breath again. but I wasnt jumping for joy. I guess I am in a mood.

I dont know if it's because mother's day is this weekend or if it's the rain or due to my continuous jobless state or just because I feel like crap. I dont know. My MIL is driving me nuts. I go in cycles with getting along with her. Right now she is driving me nuts.

It could be and usually is the case that I am resentful that she is here and my mom is not. I love her. I do. Sometimes there is just too much of her. Kinda hard to avoid when she lives with us. She is constantly mothering me. telling me how to do things or questioning what I do. FN drives me nuts. I'm a grown woman.

I've been snappy towards her. pretty mean. I get that way sometimes and I hate it. I just become so hurtful and I dont know how to stop it. My sharp tongue. I feel like I am constantly apologizing to her.

Bug woke up again last night. Bad dream that he couldnt remember. I'm such a light sleeping I was down there with the first whimper. today MIL stated she should start sleeping with her door open (her room is next to Bugs). I was like. Nah you dont need to do that. What I wanted to tell her was. he is my son. I'll tend him. She is only trying to be helpful.

I wish I could just be happy. I have no idea what is causing the unhappiness. this should be a happy time. WTH. why can't I be happy.

emotions

I have no idea what is going on. I am dreading mother's day. I miss my mom so much. It's like the world is shoving it in my face that I no longer have a mom.

Nothing really special happens for me. Hubby usually waits for the last minute to do anything holiday related. Doesn't seem thought out or genuine. bug usually has nothing to do with it. Which is kinda the purpose. A drawing or song from him...

I totally flipped out yesterday. I have the big ultra sound today where I hear the baby's heart beat. Yet again, hubby can't make it. I feel like he hasn't been to hardly any of my appointments. Not the major ones. the really emotional ones. Where is my support. I was nasty. I tried not to make him feel bad about having to work. telling him I was mad at the situation. But it just didn't workout. He couldnt stop pushing. I was like. i dont want to talk. We said some mean things (maybe it was me saying them) and then hubby came back into the room and said he was going to surprise me and meet me there. Sweet thought...But I was so mad I couldnt respond.

I've been saying forever how much I want him to come to the appointments. not all, but the big ones. I've been grumpy and upset. Why couldnt he just say he was coming. Not let me get more upset. Day after day. He says I just got upset last night. which is true. the emotions came out last night. But I have been saying over and over I want him there. Can't he get out of work for just a half hour, forty min. he does it all the time for basketball. His response was, do you want me to lose my job...I felt punched in the gut. That is all we need two of us out of work.

I feel alone in this journey. Half the time it doesn't seem real.

I miss my mom. I wish she was here to talk to. To be part of this. I love my MIL. she is super supportive and it breaks my heart that she isn't enough. I just really want my Mommy.

I'm super emotional...tired. Tired of everything. It's just as emotional as it is physical. I feel so alone. Going through the motions.

Home again Home again Jiggidy Jog

I'm home. It's been a busy few days.

Bug had a blast playing with his cousins, aunts and uncles and of course grandpa and Bon Bon. We went and visited one of my really great friends and her two kids. We had a bbq one night and a night of pizza with all my siblings. It was fun.

I got to tell my siblings we were expecting. It was nice.

I'm home now...

I searched for hours for a job. Applied to a few. I started cleaning out the den which is going to be half/den half nursery. I killed an ant nest. three loads of laundry. Softball was last night (meaning hubby wasn't home till after Bug was in bed.)Picked up Bug from preschool with snack and juice in car. T-ball practice. Home with Bug helping Grana (mil) stir noodles while I cooked on the grill for the first time this spring. bug helped set the table. We ate a great meal. I bathed Bug. stories and bed. Then hubby came home. I was exhausted.

This morning I took forever looking for the O.N 75$ off $100 coupon, Never found it. but it's still there.

more later. I'm just so tired.