Bug's first day at Kindergarten

First one on the bus.


He wanted his hair spiked...


Mommy and Bug

Busy. Busy. Busy = exhaustion

It's been a crazy busy last few days. We went to Boston to see the Sox play. It was Bug's first trip to Fenway. He loved it. Then we went to the Boston Museum of Science. That was fun too. I am exhausted.

This coming week is going to be interesting. Bug starts K tomorrow. Big Kid school. yeah. I have multiple dr. appt. Once to see the OB, one for an U/S and another to talk to the consultant about the G.D. and how to check my sugars.

More to come later. I just wanted to put up a post to say hi to all. hope everyone is doing well.

She has done it again...

I'm so pissed. So very very pissed. And I told her so...

I got back from my OB appointment. Not really grumpy, but tired and hungry.

MIL asked how it went. I told her that the test came back and i have gestational diabetes. I was making myself a sandwich as I said this. I told her I was going to take my sandwich and check in on Bug at the neighbor's house.

She asked if I had talked to hubby. I said, "when would I have. I dont have a cell and I just got home." I told her I would be back shortly. I'd call hubby then. (No offense to hubby my desire to check in on my son was higher then calling and getting hubby's voice mail at the office. )

So I went next door. I came back and MIL told me that hubby had called. I said, ok. thanks. what did you tell him...I had a hunch... She said I told him that you had g.d. adn that you were grumpy.

ARG!!!!!

First of all I was not NOT grumpy, but hungry. I said as much when I was making my sandwich. second of all. I told her I would call and tell hubby when I got back. Who the hell is she to tell my husband my news about my body. I told her as much. I tried to hold it in...

finally I said. I am not happy. That was not your news to share. (I mean telling MY hair stylist that I was having a girl and even taking my u/s pic to show her was annoying enough. but to tell my husband information about our pregnancy (ours meaning hubby and mine, not her and mine). Pissed me royally off.

She said...but as soon as you walked out the door he called. I figured you heard the phone ring. No I told her I didn't. even so, I wouldnt have stopped going over if I had. I had planned on calling hubby when I got home.

I am so mad I want to cry. even yell at her. I didn't yell at her, but firmly told her she over stepped her boundaries. She got up from playing solitaire at the computer and went down to her part of the house. GOOD!!!!

I even called hubby as I planned and sure enough I got his damn voice mail. lucky him. Maybe i will have calmed down by the time he calls back. DOUBT IT!!!

What!!!!

My left breast (non-inverted nipple) leaked TWICE tonight. Within fifteen minutes of each other.

I turn 22 wks tomorrow.

I want my body back.

message from my MOM

So as I have proudly stated before, I live in Maine. My mom grew up poor the daughter of a lobster fisherman. Although many of my extended family have thick maine accents, mom didnt really. But she always said "Ayup". A famous Maine saying for yes. I think she was just using it in a good natured mockery of her family...It was her thing anyways.

The other day I was in the car driving home in the dark and listening to the radio thinking about how much my Mom was missing with my son and this pregnancy. There was a new song (country) on the radio and it talked about a woman who died and was taken away by angels. In the song it says that she is happy with God and not to worry. the song ends. Immediately a car drives by me. All I can see is the license plate. It's a vanity plate that says "Ayup". I had to smile. I said out loud..."got the message, Mom"

Wait there is more...if that didn't cause goose bumps.

We are in the process of turning the den into the baby's room. Hubby found two dvd that came from our crappy video camera. On it it says that they are from when Bug was four months old. We dont have many vidoes from when he was a baby. So I was excited. unfortunately one didnt work, damn crappy video camera.

The second one I put in and immediately I see a hand feeding Bug what looked like peas. I knew right away it was my Mom. there were ten minutes of interaction between my Mom and Bug. She looked so healthy. On the video I captured her singing Grand-me-me-me to Bug, trying to teach him her name. in her goofy sing song voice. This is how she got her name as Meme. She would sing that to Bug and he eventually started calling her that. It was a wonderful moment to have captured on film. I always told Bug the story of how she got her name, but there it was for him to see. I never knew I had filmed that. I dont ever recall seeing this dvd. I was in tears watching it. It was her voice. I could feel the love she had for Bug and I just know she has the same love for my baby-girl.

All this has been happening in these past two weeks that have been wicked hard for me. So there is no way I can doubt that she is here with me. She is. It's not the same. Not the same by far. But to see her and hear her voice out of the blue and to hear and see the message on a dark country road... it just warms me to know that as much as I miss her and cry (read sob) from missing her, she is with me. I have to keep reminding myself that.

hormones....

Hormones are a good enough thing to blame my mood on lately. What will happen after the baby comes and I still feel like shit mentally. Can't really blame it on hormones then. I've probably mentioned it in the past but I suffer from depression for as long as I can remember as well as anxiety attacks.

Although the anxiety is mild these days I still have trouble leaving the house. I now can go to the store or to appointments as needed. But to socialize or even drive the distance to my home town it's difficult. Especially now since my mom has passed. Where I used to feel welcome anytime at my parent's house -- now with Dad's wonderful live in gf. I feel like I am imposing. she likes the house to be perfect. My mom didn't care as long as you picked up before you left.

I've been needing to get out of here and naturally I wanted to go "home". Dad was busy on Sunday, but didn't even offer to have me come friday night or saturday. just said he was busy on Sunday. GF didnt step up and say, hey I will be home. How about you come anyways....Where my dad always had time for me, now I feel like I take a back seat.

My relationship with my husband can carry me only so far. I miss my Mom. My best friend. Here I am getting all teary eyed thinking of her. (I've been crying all day) This pregnancy has been so difficult. Not in terms of what is happening, but in terms of this needs to be watched and that needs to be watched and Mom wasn't around for any of my loses either. She was with me every step of the way with Bug. Missing the birth by mere minutes. She was suppose to be in with us, but it all happened so fast. She didn't have a chance to get there in time. But that was ok. Now I just simply miss sharing things with her. Hearing her voice...hugs. sitting in comfortable silence, shopping, driving around. visiting.

With my depression I have a difficult time with self-esteem and maintaining friendships. It's hard to go to someone's house without having an anxiety attack. I have no life so it's hard to maintain a conversation. Non of my "friends" have children so it's hard to relate with them. I have been out of work for almost nine months and have no adult conversation. Hubby says this is my fault. I dont nourish relationships..true, it's difficult for me. I always feel like a burden and my moods are so unpredictable as is my anxiety, it's hard to plan ahead.

I recent hubby for his softball, guys night out, constant chatter on facebook, on the phone, for his basketball league, dodge ball, and even for working and outings he has work related. Only my dad and sister call me. And that is just because it's written in the rule book that they "have" to.

I only go to dr. appt., to and from preschool, practices. I feel like my job is to take care of Bug and have no adult conversations.


Tears are streaming down my face...MIL is staring at me...I dont feel like talking to her. I recent her for not being my Mom and for stepping into my life (i.e. bedroom door shut, crying, talking to hubby, she knocks to ask if she can turn the AC on in the baby's room...come on, she can't decide that for herself) No privacy. So I can feel her eyes on me. I will cut this short as I am too upset to continue anyways...I need privacy. I need a friend. I need to get out.

I just need.....

Baby Hannah