not just winter blues

Winter Blues have come for a visit and wont go away. I've been so sick this winter season catching every little thing that passes by. I'm simply tired of being ill. Bug told me the other day that I "dont exist" broke my heart and brought tears to my eyes. He says I am a "boring Mommy that wont do anything fun." dammit I hate being sick. Hannah wont let me out of her sight either.

Now that my body is healing...kinda...my mind is failing me. I suffer from depression and have since I was a kid. I work at a middle school and a six grade girl said to me today, Depression stinks. She said she was on 20 mg of meds daily. I said, yes it does. I know it does. I asked her if she talked to her guidance counselor and she said yes, alot. breaks my heart. I was there at her age and sadly at 32 continues to struggle everyday with it. Winter is worse though. Really worse.

I kept thinking today how much I dont like myself. How much I just wanted to hide in my bed and blankets and just sleep. Then Bugs comments slammed into my gut again. It's so hard. I pray that my children do not inherit this trait. I wish things came easier for me. I wish I didn't have to struggle constantly to be in a place that others take for granted. I wish my best friend and mom was still alive. February marks 5 years and the nightmares are returning. Of losing her. or having her beat the cancer but then being a completely different person, hating me. Or not remembering me, or simply is mean. It's a reoccurring feeling and even if the dreams are slightly different the concepts are the same. I can't wait for the day, or rather night, when I dream of her and it's happy and real feeling as if she is still alive. Giving me a small piece of her. I hate that my children are growing up without her. They are missing so much. What they dont know wont hurt them, but I know and it hurts me.

It's crazy when I get low like this, missing her hurts more. I feel so alone sometimes. I seriously dont have many local friends. It's so hard to maintain a friendship when you can't function or can't be happy around them. I hate being the negative nelly. But it's hard to maintain a conversation when you have nothing good to contribute. I often hide behind my kids, but I wish I could be a grown up around other grown ups and share girls night or shopping or anything with a female friend. I envy those who have life long friends. and I guess that is also what makes me miss my mom so much. She loved me for me and was happy to simply be around me and was understanding when I got in these funks and was ok just being in the same room not talking but being there.

My husband and I got in an a rare argument the day before xmas. I had to leave the house I was so hurt and frustrated. I wanted to go to a girl friend's house and bitch. I thought if we couldn't work out our disagreement and needed to get divorced (total extreme but we have a couple friends divorcing so it's present in my mind) those what ifs. My job is one of love not high pay. I wouldnt make enough to support myself and two kids. I live in hubby's home town with no connections with other people that aren't connected to him. My family lives an hour and half away. I couldn't up root our kids from the only life they know. But I have no one here for me. Simply me. not us, but me. It gets to be lonely. But again, my depression gets in the way of everything. I have a hard time maintaining friendships. Not hiding in my house like a hermit. I can't even go to the grocery store without having a panic attack, so my husband does our shopping.

Bug is demanding my attention...I'm lucky I got this much time without interruption
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sorry for the pity party and if you have read this long rant...thank you.