Thursday, April 30, 2009

U/S update

Nope. Nothing to really update you on. It was a little more painful then Sunday's u/s. not sure why that is. slight bleeding. But I wasnt bleeding before the "magic wand". so not really concerned.

I'm still wicked early. 5wk2d. another u/s next week, same time, same place.

I need to call my reg. OB to do the "regular" stuff. dragging my feet. Not sure why. Just not in a big giant hurry to call. They know I am pregnant. They have been getting all the test and reports that have been done.

Anyways. Still mucho tired. Crazy tired. waiting for washer to finish so I can hang clothes on the line and lay down before having to pick up Bug and take him to cherub choir.

Have a good one. It's beautiful out.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009


I'm feeling so bloated. My bra's dont fit. My shirts are too small in the front. I'm too early to be showing. but just enough bloat to be uncomfortable. I'm significantly larger then I was with Bug's pregnancy. I thought I had more time to get healthy before becoming pregnant. (I'll explain the weight gain in the future, not now.)

It's been months and months of trying. I'm surprised that it finally happened. Although I wanted the BFP, I thought I had more time to get healthier. I feel guilty now b/c it's going to be an uncomfortable pregnancy due to my size. I hope it doesn't become a health problem for the baby.

Tomorrow is my ultra sound. I'm anxious to hear what they have to say. I'm still getting a shooting pain on left side when I move just right. This could be either the strained ligament or the ovarian cyst. Or something else altogether.

I need to learn to not freak out with every weird feeling. It's so hard when I am so sensitive about carrying to term. It's as if I am almost too scared to believe it will happen this time. It doesn't feel real yet. Stupid. I want to tell my family. maybe then it will feel real. But hubby still wants to keep it under wraps. I pushed him by telling our close circle of friends.

big sigh. I hate being scared all the time. Like I am afraid to breath. If I hold my breath everything will be ok.

"Mommy, when is the baby going to be here?"

Bug was getting into the car this morning to go to Preschool and he said, "Mommy, when is the baby going to be here?"

thankfully I had the time between closing his door and opening mine to come up with something.

He says things like this every other month or so. But now that I am pregnant. It throw me back. I wanted so desperately to tell him.

I told him, "I don't know when"...which isnt a lie. I still dont know. Even when I get a dd. I still wont know. Not with my body. I can't trust it.

I am so excited.

But I must say. I miss real coffee. I am drinking some nasty ass decaf. Oh the desperation.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

update...not much.

Feeling ok. craving something cold. I would love to have an iced coffee.

Sunday's scare has me really nervous. But I'm feeling ok. Some small discomfort, but doc says that could be the cyst or strained ligaments.

I am so tired. It's like when I had mono in college. I dont remember being this tired with Bug, or my two angel babies.

I slept all day. When I wasnt sleeping, I was laying in bed reading. Then nap some more.

Everywhere I went. From bedroom, bathroom, kitchen, even out on the porch-- my kitty Sophie followed me. I think she knows something is going on. It's very cute.

My breast hurt again. I can't imagine them getting any bigger.

OK. yeah I'm tired...sorry I am so boring lately. dont have much energy.

Will be going to my Dad's this weekend. three days, two nights. Hubby is having a "weekend of Mike". He needs to regroup. without taking time off. trying to save all his sick days for potential usage in the future or for after the baby is born. Dont know what the future holds.

That part is very scary.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Mystery Diagnosis & UU

Do you ever watch that show?

Me either.

BUT, I have been told that tonight's episode is about a woman that has a unicorn uterus.

I'm so excited to see it!

It's on Discovery Health at 10pm EST. If you can't see it tonight, there is a re-showing on Saturday.

ER visit. (not so nice language)

I had cramping with jabbing pain off and on all day yesterday. Hubby called Re office. On call RE sends us to our local hospital (RE is 45 minutes away, local hospital less then ten minutes away). Calling our hospital ahead of time. RE tells us an ultra sound tech will meet us there.

Everything is closed on sunday afternoon, so when we get there we go to the ER to direct us to ultra-sound. We check in. I get my first ID bracelet. Sent to an empty part of the hospital to call a phone number and the ultra sound tech will come get us. Not so.

An hour later Hubby calls I different extension and someone finally comes out and takes us back to the ER where I am brought right back to a room. given ID bracelet number 2. told that the ultra sound tech is on call. will be there in ten minutes. in the mean time, drink these two cups of water. Fill your bladder for the ultra sound.

I drink two cups of water on an already half full bladder. Vampire comes in to take a bunch of blood. I get 3rd ID bracelet.

We wait for ultra sound tech. I still have cramping. Only thing that helps is pulling my legs up to my chest. half hour goes by, it turns into a full hour. My bladder is full. Full. full. doc. says I can't pee. Bladder needs to be full. u/s tech will be here any minute. I'm just about in tears b/c I am about to piss myself. More time goes by. No tech. Fuck it. I have to pee. I waddle to the bathroom. Let just enough out so it's not painful. I go back and who is there...

A pissed off U/S tech because now she has to wait for me to fill my bladder again. Fuck her. I've been waiting for her for hours. I guzzle another glass and half of water. take me back I tell her. believe me, I still have to piss. bladder is full enough. She is mad cause I peed. but takes me back.

She tells me on the u/s my bladder is full enough for the procedure...No shit. I still have to piss like a fucking race horse. I'm too early in my pregnancy to see much on the stomach u/s she need to stick that wonderful dildo like wand inside for a better look at what might be causing the pain. Guess what. She wants me to pee....empty my bladder. Sweet Jesus, make up your flippin mind.

need to rule out Ectopic pregnancy. way to scare me. She sees a small dark spot...there is our baby. A small smudge on the screen. It's beautiful. Then she goes on to find a small ovarian cyst. but says this is pretty normal after Ovulation. But could be causing the pain. Exam done.

sent back to our room in the Er. need to wait an hour while our awake (it's pretty damn late now) friends in Australia (shout out to S) exam the images and send it back to Maine for me to have results. Another hour plus wait.

Results of blood work come back. They dont really explain anything, but to say that they look good. I ask about my betta's 821.something. Yeah. that is good. I'm definitely pregnant. But what is causing the cramping and jabbing pain.

Finally the doc come in and says that everything looks fine. He mentions the cyst. that may or may not be causing the discomfort. He also mentions the stretching I did last night (see previous post) for a glass of water, may have strained a ligament down there. He says, Take Tylenol and go to the Thursday ultra sound appointment...

He'll go get our discharge papers.

Another 45 minutes plus goes by. For a piece of paper.

Great. Just great. I am thrilled beyond belief that nothing freaky deaky was going on. It's pretty scary when this is about the time that I lose my babies.

But come on. Six hours in the FN Er. when we were told originally the U/S tech would meet us there...

I'm sorry. I really am bitter about the whole experience. It was not fun. One mistake after another. From the moment we got there to the time we left.

But Tylenol is helping and my baby is fine. bottom line. that is what counts.

Just for fun... Here are the bracelets that once were put on were not looked at again. What was the point.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Two Crazy Days...did I over do it?

Friday, MIL and I were out and about all day. Walking from shop to shop, In and out of car, pulling cart of flowers at the greenhouse. then I picked up fifty pound bag of sandbox sand before dropping it due to a quick pain in stomach. I forget that I have to take it easy while still being Mom to Bug.

Saturday was a blast and jam packed. Not really physically challengeing but long. I even got a walk in. (to the ice cream shop). Bug has his first t-ball practice. He is the youngest and totally cute.

then we went to the sea dog game where we had fun in the sun. Hubby got a funny sunburn, cause he said he didn't burn except on his nose. so I only put sunblock on his nose per his request. There is a distinct line where there was NO sun block and protection from his ball cap and sunblock. We left early to watch the Sox at M&M's (God Parents to Bug.)house. S&C joined us, then J and E. With D, J hubby coming after work.

The gang was all here. it was so fun. I had to tell the girls about the baby. I couldnt hold it in. My reasoning was if some horrific thing happened and I lost the baby then I would still need my girls for support. It felt good talking about it. I've been holding it in for so long. Only talking about it on here. to actually talk to my girls about it. Yeah. Makes it more real.

I laughed and chatted and ate all night. It was a blast. After the Sox kicked Yankee's ass we played a board game. During the game I was sitting on the love seat with my legs tucked under me. I reached down and around to the side of the love seat for my glass of water. I was stretching my body and something down low pulled. It hurt so bad. I pulled my legs up to my chest trying to make the pain go away.

Hubby got instantly concerned. We excused ourselves and went to the bathroom. Hubby just held me. There was nothing I could do. It hurt so bad. It brought tears to my eyes. I waited it out, returned to the game with bathroom checks for blood. None. Nothing has happened today. I am more anxious more then ever for my ultra sound. I want to get blood work done to make sure things are progressing.

What I really want is on inside look into my fucked up uterus and ask...everything ok in there. With a response of Yup, Mommy. everything is fine. that would be good. Or maybe a crystal ball to tell me that all this is going to be fine and I will have my baby in slightly less then nine months. Healthy and ready for the world.

damn! this is going to be a long long pregnancy.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

coffee I need coffee

Oh man. I am missing coffee like no tomorrow. My morning isn't complete.

I have tried decaf. Not cutting it. It gives me the runs and taste like ass.

Cofffffffeeeeeee. Come back...

I can't imagine a summer without ice coffee. fall/winter without a hot steaming travel mug to ride to work with me...


Friday, April 24, 2009

over did it

I am so uncomfortable right now.

I had a crazy busy day with very little sleep last night. See previous post and teddy graham moments.

I was a total idiot and tried to carry a 50 pound bag of new sandbox sand across the yard to Bug's turtle.

Immediately I felt pain in my stomach. I put it down and the neighbor girl (age 11) helped me carry it. Actually she carried the second bag all by herself.

I am nervous. Did I just screw over my latest chance of having a baby. I am trying not to freak out.

It's been a busy day. No rest time. My back hurts and my night time nauseousness is back.

I am so anxious for my ultra sound next week. I need to know that everything is ok. I can't wait until after my first trimester. I am so scared all the time. i think for the second trimester I can calm a little. I say that now, we shall see.

I've got stuff to do...

Friday. I love fridays. That means tomorrow is the weekend and everyone is home for family time.

I didnt sleep again last night. Up at 2ish eating teddy grahams and drinking caffeine free Pepsi. trying to decide if I want to catch up on shows on the DVR.

I went back to bed.

I'm suppose to drive an hour to Bug's birth town to get his birth certificate today. We need it for Kindergarten registration. I was way out of it after his c/s. I dont think we ever got one. I am not looking forward to going. I hope I get some energy somewhere.

Saturday is chalk full of couple time. First Bug has a meet and greet at a local playground for his new t-ball team. We are so excited.

After that we are meeting Hubby's sister and her bf at the Sea Dogs to catch a game. Hubby's uncle has season tickets on the 3rd base line and offered them to us for the game. It's suppose to be 75. tomorrow. warmest it's been since last summer.

We leave the game early to go watch the Sox vs Yankee game at Bug's Godparent's house. aka our close friends. with two other couples. It's a blast. It's been forever since we had couple game night.

I'm looking forward to it all. I am just really worried that I will not have slept and I will be sick. Only Godparents know about the pregnancy. Godmother went to a bunch of dx appointments with me when hubby couldnt make it. So she knows what I have been going through. She has held my hand through it all.

Anyways. I am rambling. Hope all have a nice day.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

feel icky

I dont know what it is about 4:00 on. I feel so sick.

Had to have been a man that dubbed it morning sickness.

Cause he got it all wrong.

another bad dream

when will it end. This is the third nightmare I have had where I am losing the baby. It's going to be along pregnancy if this is what I have to deal with on a nightly basis.

I am not so scared during the day, ok maybe I am, but not mind consuming. Weird twinges or sharp pains make me nervous.

I'm getting to the point where I feel like crap all the time. I am exhausted to the point I can't function and when I am up I feel so icky that all I want to do is lay down.

I told hubby tonight he needs to scrub around and in the toilet, because like Bug's pregnancy I have the feeling I will be spending a lot of time there. Bug even offered to help put the scrubby thing on the toilet wand. whatta sweetie.

And it totally doesnt make sense that I am up at one in the morning when I am so damn tired.

So how do I explain to Bug that I dont have the flu. He thinks he is going to get my sickness. Like he gave Daddy his. We dont feel comfortable telling him this early that I am pregnant. For two reasons.

1. He wont understand if we lose the baby. He would be devastated.
2. It would be a long 9 months with (are we there yet like comments)when is the baby coming.

So how do I explain how miserable I am feeling and how tired I am. He is a compassionate boy. He wants me to feel better.

last night he mixed up a concoction in the bathroom sink and told me that it was soup to help me feel better. He was nice enough to use my only toothbrush as the stirrer and then give me his spider man toothbrush to replace it.

I dont want him to think I am sick all the time. Our cat Sophie threw up a hairball this evening. Bug was so worried about her. I dont want to cause him any anxiety.

Alrighty then. I am going to head back to bed and re-read this tomorrow and it will look like I wrote it in a drunken stooper from my college days. Cant wait.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

new beta number

I went from 87.6 on Monday to 172.4 today. That is awesome.

Ultra Sound next Thursday.

I can't get over how tired I am. I dont remember being this tired since I had mono in college.

All I want to do is sleep, but it's never restful.

Any ideas.

hey there ICLW. ABC of me.

It ICLW time! Since I'm at a stand still in my life and have no witty fun things to write about I am stealing, I mean borrowing this idea from Stacie, from Heeeeere Storkey, Storkey! who borrowed the idea from Kym's post, from I'm a Smart One, as a way of introducing myself.

The A, B, C's of Unicorn Mommy

A - Anthony is my son's name.

B - BFP. I just found out I'm having a baby.

C - chocolate. Crave it today and always.

D - Dreams. Dreams do come true, eventually

E - I love Elephants. Efulls Mom.

F -Fruit. trying to eat more fruit. not really on my want to eat list though.

G - Grana (MIL) lives with us. there are days she drives me nuts, but I'm glad she is here.

H - Hungry. I am always hungry right now.

I - Insomnia is killing me. Zapping me of energy.

J - Joy is how I feel with my life.

K - Kite Runner is one of my favorite books. totally not what I usually read, but I couldnt put it down.

L - Love to Laugh. I especially love to hear my son laugh. It's the best sound in the world.

M - Mike is my Hubby. We have been together since 2000. Married since 2003. He is my best friend and soul mate.

N - naked...not really like the way I look naked right now.

O - Oprah drives me nuts. Give me Ellen any day.

P - Pizza and Pepsi. I would totally love to have this for every meal. Why can't it be healthy.

Q - I just quit smoking. I'm pregnant and know I can't and WONT smoke. But man I crave everyday. It's brutal.

R - Renee. My name is Renee. Hi.

S - sleep. I need more sleep. Or at least I need more restful sleep.

T - tired. I know my answers to this abc survey are lame. But really. I am so tired.

U - Unreal. I can not believe that I am pregnant. I can't wait for my ultra sound. Next week I think..maybe the week after.

V - volleyball. I am a pretty athletic person. Basketball and field hockey are my games of choice. No matter what. I have always sucked at volleyball. Not sure what it is about it. I suck.

W - Wii. we got a wii for xmas. (my husband said it was for the family, but i know it was for him) My Five year old had very little interest in it, UNTIL daddy had a Wii birthday party in Feb. for his 30th. there were a bunch of 30 year olds playing mario cart in my living room. Now my son can't get enough of Mario Cart and has more games then my husband. (we havent bought him any it's all relatives buying them for him) But he still LOVES mario cart. He even had a Mario themed bday party in March.

X - I just taught Anthony the song, Chris Cross. X marks the spot. Spider crawling up your back. Tight squeeze. Cool breeze. Now you have the shiveries. With all the hand motions. He loves it.

Y - yolk. I dont like eating cooked yolk in an egg. I do like to eat the heated, but runny yolk of an egg with toast.

Z - ZZZZZZ. I can't wait to get more zzzz. See a trend here? I need sleep.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

guilt and a video.

I dont know how to express how I am feeling right now.

I feel so lucky to have become pregnant after only trying for, ironically, 9 months. But at the same time I feel awful about it. There are so many of you out there that dont even have one child. And here I am pregnant again.

I know it hasnt been easy for me. Those of you who have followed my blog know this as well. The heartache of losing my two angel babies. The difficulty with Bug's pregnancy.

But at the same time I want all you to experience the joys of the double line. Holding your baby in your arms. So even in my moment, I want you all to know I continue to pray for you. I know I am not out of the woods yet, but I just feel so guilty...why me and not you...

I stole this from Mary's blog.

I was weeping from the start.


Holy Cow.

It's official...not just a pee stick...but my beta number yesterday is......

87.6!!!! I'm four weeks preggers.

I am having my beta's checked again tomorrow. She said I could have it done next week or again tomorrow.

I chose tomorrow, because I am so nervous about potential m/c early on like two previous pregnancies.


ICLW..HOW could I forget....

Easy. Life.

First let me give an quick blurp about myself for those of you stopping by for the first time.

I am 30 years old and live on the Coast of Maine. With hubby since 2000. married in 2003. Surprised to have Bug in 2004. Very difficult pregnancy. preterm labor at 27 wks. for 18 hours before stopped. Delivered early at 3.5 wks emergency c/s.

M/C in 06 and again in 08. Visit RE who dx me with R Unicorn Uterus, that is I am missing the right side of my uterus. AND I have a blood disorder called MTHFR. Which makes early m/c a risk.

new MTHFR meds to address deficiencies in blood, first cycle using OPK and meds, BFP. How did that happen. wow. Still in early stages of pregnancy and haven't passed previous wks for when I lost my two angel babies. still freaking out a little.

I was laid off from my job after an approved vacation to Disney in Jan. To find out that an employer can approve a vacation to use it against you later. sweet. I've been out of work so long, I am not sure how to use my brain. I had a Massive job interview yesterday. It was the longest most intensive interview I have ever had. I hope I charmed them silly.

pee stick BFP. waiting on blood work results. I dreamed last night that I started bleeding. Yup, slightly scared that this pregnancy will end like the previous two. Angel babies. I try not to dwell on it. But I guess it's in the back of my mind if I am dreaming about it at night.

I'm hoping the beta's will help calm me.

Bug is recovering from his flu, now just a cold. since he missed Easter at grandpa's he has been begging to go up there. (he lives an hour and half away). Was going to go on Sat. but it was suppose to rain. We want to go up when it's nice out so Bug can play outside. Grandpa lives in the country... It's so nice.

Hubby is wanting, needing, a weekend to himself. So Bug and I will go up to Grandpa's in two weeks by ourselves to give Hubby time to recharge his batteries, so he doesn't have to use vacation time and can save it for possible complications with pregnancy.

My life in a nutshell.

Monday, April 20, 2009

so exhausted...catchy title huh!

I started taking a sleep aid when my Mom was first dx with lung cancer over three years ago. A handful of months ago I switched from my 80mg. (yes 80mg, go ahead and gasp) of trazadone (sp?) to only 5mg of over the counter melatonin from the health food store.

I realized a few days ago that my OTC sleep aid says, "DO NOT take if you are pregnant." I was told at the store this was ok for pregnancy.

OH shit. Glad I checked.

I have been sleeping ok. Not great. But needing naps during the day. Not sure if this is due to pregnancy or what.

I had a long ass interview today. It was for one company interviewing for two positions. It lasted almost three hours. It was the most intensive interview I have ever been on. I will be so honored if I get it.

After interview off to get blood work done. I'll know my beta's tomorrow. stay tuned.

Early night. It's twenty of 6 and I am ready for bed. yikes.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

feeling icky already....and.... job interview

All day. I am hungry. I feel sick. That nasty blah feeling.

I can't quite say it's morning sickness. Because I dont think I am going to actually vomit, but its an ugh feeling, like I could, but wont.

I wanted fried onion rings for breakfast. To think about it now, gross. I dont even care for onion rings.

I've been eating saltines, but stomach hurt wicked after eating them. weird.

I'm excited. I have a job interview tomorrow. For two positions at the same company. It's for children case management and the other is for adult case management. I really want the kids position. That is where my experience is in. But I am willing to learn the adult aspect if it means working.

The hours are reasonable. I am a good case manager. Pay is way better then unemployment.

I am not saying anything about the pregnancy. I am hoping I dont have any complications. But either way I need to work. I am going crazy without working.


After interview tomorrow getting my blood work done. wont know beta numbers until Tuesday. RE office closed on Monday. Who is closed on patriots day? Banks are even closed. Mail comes.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

"Baby are you OK?"

As most of you know, I found out via pee stick yesterday that I am BFP. I have an appointment for blood work on Monday. Wont know the results until Tuesday.

I am nervous. Each stomach pain, aches, cramps I get so nervous and wonder....

I haven't gotten the many small meals down. I usually only eat one maybe two meals a day. Not the healthiest habit. I've never been good with eating, either I eat too little or too much. I am trying to eat healthy. My tummy feels nauseous if I am not constantly eating.

I'm so scared of something going wrong. Despite the manic episodes during the 2ww, after two m/c I am so gun shy about being overly excited.

It doesn't seem real. Like at any minute disaster will strike. And my body will fail me once again.

I've been trying to stay calm. But I realized deep down I haven't been. Nasty cold sore arrived yesterday. Telling me that I have been stressed and exhausted. No kidding huh.

Waiting for either MIL or Hubby to wake up so I can go back to sleep. Even though it's going to be rainy icky today, we have a busy day and I am running on fumes.

Taking Bug to the movies. Second attempt. first attempt was when the Bee movie came out. He sat so well for the previews and first half of the movie, but then we had to leave he couldn't sit still. I think if we skip the previews he might have the ability to sit through a whole movie. We shall see. we are going to see Monsters VS. Aliens.

Two of my SIL have taken my nieces and nephew and says it's cute. A couple mild, hells and damns, but we have already had the conversation that we dont repeat bad words we hear on tv or from other people. Bug insists that Heck is a bad word. I'll go with that.


I'm up early. Cant sleep. But am exhausted. Was up early in the morning and up late at night. Not a great combo.

MIL was out on the back deck picking up a bunch of glass that broke last fall, but quickly got covered in snow.

I get a call from her. R come here please. I get close to the back door and she says, can you bring me the tea kettle and a paper towel. OK. Odd request.

I bring the items to the door and my eyes bug out. Blood was everywhere, I mean everywhere. She had cut her finger while cleaning up the glass. She needed the paper towel for the finger and the tea kettle to rinse off the deck from the quart (not really) of blood that she lost.

I get her inside and I am giving her hell, because she finished cleaning up the glass after she cut her finger. Then called me. Telling me it was nothing. She runs her hand under ice cold water.

The bleeding wont stop. My wonderful first aid training kicks into gear. We head to the ER with her practically kicking and screaming. (slight exaggeration, just some protest that she is ok and doesn't need stitches.) Riiiiight.

We get there. She needs a tetanus shot, and a wonderful glue like substance to close the wound and chunk of finger that was missing.

while we are there, there was a little 2 year old that broke his leg. poor thing. A slightly drunk barely twenty idiot who was in a cross walk, and got "hit" by a car. He was walking but his knee hurt. a little boy, maybe two who needed to have meds administered via IV so came to the ER. Pissed off guy who left without being seen because he was tired of waiting. A worker from the shipyard who did something to his shoulder. A little busy, but no real trauma's except for the poor little guy who broke his leg.

Not a busy metropolis, but we had the typical ER experience with our Two hour stay, with a pretty empty waiting room. Fun times.

MIL was upset she didn't get stitches to show to Bug.

Friday, April 17, 2009


Too early to tell, P. kiss my arse.

I took the test this morning. 4 am. I know unGodly hour. But I went to bed at 7pm. wicked tired. Up at 2 when Bug had a bad dream. and now it's 4 and I can't sleep. So I am up.

I peed at 2, so the 4 am sample was slightly diluted for the pee stick.

But I saw it. A faint second line. It was there. HOLY COW!!!

Big Freakin Positive.


I am! I am! I am!

Thursday, April 16, 2009

RE P nurse not so helpful

Kinda irked by the conversation I just had with my new RE nurse P. She really irritated me. From her voice to the lack of ability to say anything other then "It's really too early to test." I mean she said it like a hundred times.

I called because it's day 24. Even if I go for a record breaking cycle of 28 days...don't you think I can test and get a + or - ?

Answer is a yes. but "it's really too early to test."

I get it though.

I could test positive and get all excited over a BFP but because "It's really too early to test." (see it does get really annoying) but because "It's really too early to test" (told ya, annoying) the numbers would be low and it could be cause by an unhealthy pregnancy or "it's too early to test."


So bottom line from the FN phone call. "it's really too early to test."

I wonder what the hell happened to my wonderful, adorable, helpful, understanding RE nurse R. Where did she go and where did this P come from.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

quick hi

I have to apologize first. I feel so blah and all my post lately have been pathetic pity parties for one, hosted by me for me. They were a smashing hit I tell ya, but didnt get me very far.

I am officially late with my period, but that means squat. as it's my first cycle with my new MTHFR med. I do have some weird texture secretion. But I have read that this is the building of the mucus plug if I am in fact pregnant.

Another reason for my crabby attitude is that today marks 15 days without smoking. GO me! TODAY I kinda had a really hard day. On the way home from dropping Bug off at preschool there was a car in front of me that had a smoker in it. Her 2nd hand was coming through the vents of my car. I quickly shut off my defroster. and closed everything up.

I felt like a shark at the smell of blood. it was awful. set me off for a bad day. BUT I did not smoke. I can't smoke.

Remind me to tell you about tonight's outing to the Sea Dogs baseball game with Bug and hubby. I had so much fun.

but Lost is on...Thanks to DVR. I'll catch up with you all tomorrow. After my latest job search.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Hi Girls..

OK. slightly better space tonight. Actually I got my butt showered and dressed and out the door to spend the afternoon with my MIL, SIL and nephew. MIL treated us to lunch and I bought an adorable Dino-rain jacket for Bug on sale. they didnt have his size in the store so I had it shipped to him so he is going to get mail. which he will love.

Picked Bug up slightly early from Pre-School and took him to the local elementary school and played on their playground. We came home and had dinner and played some Wii Mario Cart and Mario Party. (no not really a lot of time gaming, just one cup and one game).

Prior to Bug turning five on March 29th he refused to take a shower. We told him that when he turned five, during the week he had to take showers and on weekend he could have a bath. tonight it is just him and I as Daddy is at dodge ball. I gave him the choice. He chose Shower. Saying he was never taking a bath again.

THis is huge because his first shower I had to fight him to strip, get in the shower and he cried the entire time. wailed really. It was torture for all parties involved. So I was super proud of him when he said this. I dont dread bath time anymore.

OK. so still feeling pregnant. No tests have confirmed it, but today...yup. I felt pregnant. (remember I havent showered in days that means I have been in my PJ's that whole time. I did change pj's though. So days without wearing anything form fitting.) I went to put on my bra and was like. Shit. it's tight in the back. I looked in the mirror. My cups were over flowing. I put on a shirt and was like BAM! HI GIRLS! I almost poked myself in the eye they were so full and perky. Unless a miracle happened over the weekend...PREGNANT.

I know, I am getting really wrapped up in this...but seriously. I know I am. I have to be. pregnant.

cd22---pity party continued

OoooK. cd 22.

My cycle is usually 23-24 days long. pre-MTHFR meds.

stick test. negative.

OPK said O on cd 14. Does that mean my cycle is going to be 28 days long.

A week and a day into the 2ww

I am beginning to think that my body made up those preggo signs.

it's all psychological. I can't possibly be pregnant.

Nope. that would be unbelievable. that would be amazingly awesome.

That can't happen. It would go against the shitty pattern of my life.

"HEY UNIVERSE!!! Dont forget that nothing good can happen." why break history.

I want my mommy.

same old same old..pity party

so I want to write a new post that is bright and sunny and full of hope and all that shit, but really nothing new.

I am waiting on the 2ww to pass. It's been slower then past months.

I am in a real bad space.

Havent showered since Saturday. Havent washed my hair since friday. My hair hurts it's so greasy. yeah I am sounding really gross. it is. I have to wash my sheets because of my own stench. ok. I am embarassed. totally not me. I'm obsessed with showering. what I really want to do is soak in the tub. But that is out of the question.

I want to work out, again out of the question.

I want to WORK. No one is calling me back.

I just ran out of steam.....

more on my pity party later.

Monday, April 13, 2009

grumpy, feeling a bit, UGH

So after sleeping in till 8:30 the day after the horrific night with Bug and his flu, I went back to sleep from 9:30am to 2:30pm yesterday, I still had no energy so I laid down at 5:30. I was out by six. woke up when hubby came to bed around 11. back to sleep soon after, up at 2 when I heard Bug groaning. He was talking in his sleep. Back to sleep and not awake until Bug kissed me awake quarter to 7 this morning. I should be rested right...not so much.

what has gotten into me. All I want to do is sleep. I have no energy. I am nauseous. My back is killing me. and tummy has twinges.

I am not sure if it's beginning pregnancy fun or if Bug was kind enough to share his "sickness germs" (this is what he calls them) with me.

either way all I want to do is go back to bed. But since Bug's last episode of grossness was just after lunch yesterday he can't go to preschool the next day, today. So he is home. Full of energy from the tip of his toes to the ends of his hair.

I wish I could tap into it. Bottle it and sell it on the black market.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Hubby is an adorable idiot.

So last night Hubby told me that trying to read my blog drives him nuts.

With dots in the middle of words and acronyms that he doesnt understand. He was like I know what ttc is, but it was driving me nuts that I couldn't figure out what HA was. After too much frustration he realized it was. HA! as in hahahaha.

Dumb ass. To think he is the writer in the family. hehehehe Too FN funny.

So for his benefit and others here is a nice website that has most if not all acronyms if you are having trouble following us IFers.

"but it's in the middle of the night"

Does anyone know what movie that is without goggling it?

I'm up with Bug...have been most of the night. All I can smell right now is vomit and diarrhea. I'm tempted to just toss his cute little calvin klines from TJ Maxx in the garbage and not wash them. I'll know in the morning when they are done "soaking" if I am up to cleaning the shit. literally.

couldn't help it. tested right before bed. negative. But it is so early yet. I just have bloating, cramping and big ass boobs.

Bug has full blown flu now...maybe that i what is in store for me. Who knows.

Saturday, April 11, 2009


I have been uncomfortable all day. I think I fucking jinxed myself by buying HPT.

I am just days away from testing. in regards to my old cycle before MTHFR anyways. Who knows what the hell is happening with this new cycle.

I do know that my boobs still hurt and regular bras hurt. I just bought another sports bra, cause the one and only one I have reduced the ache.

I just got back from a walk around the neighborhood. Walked farther then yesterday. trying to make up for RE saying I cant do weight training and the cardio that I was doing with Xina my personal trainer. I think I push too hard on the walk.

I have horrible cramps and my back hurts. Aches. Pain. Just under my belly button on the left side....GOOD SIDE.

pray that it's nothing bad.

I just know I am pregnant. Even though I can't test yet. The signs tell me so. (this would be my fourth pregnancy) But this cramping isn't right.



I was browsing a friends blog when I came across SITM. I immediately emailed Kym who created SITM. IFers had already been paired, but there was one blogger, Stacie who she had failed to match with someone. Thank God I came along.

My excitement to have squeezed in under the line was through the roof.

I visited Stacie's blog and was really excited that she has children. Two adorable twin boys. They have the same name as my two older brothers, Ja.son and Sha.wn. how weird is that. The reason I was excited about this is because I have Bug. He is five. I talk a lot about him. how can I not. he is my world. But it sometimes makes me feel guilty for my dear IF friends that have yet to experience the joys of parenthood. I feel selfish for wanting another. So for Stacie to have children, the guilt wasnt there and it was yet another way we have something in common.

Stacie is a teacher. I worked in a classroom at our local elementary with children in an autism program, then as a preschool teacher and back to special ed. where (before being laid off) worked with children in an Alternative school for kids with major behavioral issues that removed them from regular ed. classrooms. So we both have worked in the school system. I knew I should have listened to my dad and gotten my teaching degree, instead of majoring in behavioral science and human services. the jobs I have loved-- work with schools and in the classroom. So to hear Stacie gripe about school at times, cracks me up, because I have been there.

Ja.son and Sha.wn's room is giraffe themed. Bug's was safari. More to the point. Elephant and giraffes. Stacie's reasoning was heart touching. When the boys were in the NICU the walls were covered in giraffe's. Giraffes became a symbol for her. A source of comfort (I loved the pink giraffe print stockings that I found for her). elephants became a source of comfort for me too and with elephants came giraffes.

I'm one of five children. I'm a twin myself. Stacie, did you know that? I have a twin brother. Marc. Each one of us had something special with my Mom. (who passed away a month before Bug turned 2). When I was a child our safe word for strangers was purple elephant with pink polka dots. that way if someone other then mom said they were going to pick us up, they had to have this code. Later mom and I had a our own special something, something that my siblings didn't have, Elephants full. You think of all the elephants in the world and they are full of love, now that is a lot of love. Elephants full turned into EFuls. It's our way of saying, I love you. It's the way I ended her eulogy at her funeral. Efuls Mom.

So, in these few examples, I have shown how fate has put stacie and I together and with the little things that we have in common we have created a friendship based on our IF dreams. I am and will continue to enjoy getting to know her as we travel this road of IF together.

Thanks Stacie for being there. For your raw honesty and continuing ability to make me laugh out loud when at times all I feel like doing is crying.

Sock it to me...continued. (long ass post)

I didnt do SITM justice when I wrote my first post. I was having a rough day, but super excited to have received my socks from Stacie.

Which was pretty cool because that is what SITM is all about. holding each other up when we can't do it ourselves. This was done for me by two pairs of socks. Actually at first I only saw the pink pair. I was so thrilled and content with just these. Loved the toes and the color was my absolute favorite.

I was actually just waking up from a nap (see escaping reality) when Hubby brought in the package. YIPPEEEEE. It was when I started picking up the wrapper (beautifully wrapped, stacie is a working mom of twin boys, where did she have the time?) that I found the second pair. MY second favorite color. Lime Green. this was going to be my bridesmaid's dress colors back in 04. But we found out I was pregnant with Bug in 03 and had a small intimate exchange of the vows instead. (insurance purposes).

Lots of tangents I know, but really this is how my brain is working right now. I'm home due to being laid off (damn economy). So I get to think and browse the web all day regarding my recent dx of MTHFR and how my uterus (half a uterus) doesnt work right.

I first joined a yahoo group for woman with a unicorn uterus. It is there I met mary. We got chatting and she encouraged me to start my own blog. Ok. I can check my email. but blogging. totally not up my alley. not because I dont want to...I just have no idea how. well, mary gave me the link to blogger. Why the hell not. I have nothing really to do all day and no one to talk to about my IF difficulties. (hubby is private and doesnt want others to know we are ttc--avoid those awkward questions) So I gave it a try. and learned that I am hooked. obsesssed really.

I created my blog. And shocked that people actually come to it. I am not really special. I am not a great writer. What I am is real. I have something on my mind I write it. In my mind it's never going to be read, so I dont hold back. But people do read. I have a small group of readers who I've grown to love and love reading their blogs.

I have no real support in the real world. love hubby, but he has a penis and doesn't quite understand my uterus issues turned to mental melt downs. he is of the mentality it will happen when it happens. I wear my emotion on my sleeve, or in this case at my finger tips. He holds it in and talks finances. drives me nuts. The few friends I have shared this with are great but, have full uteruses and dont even have children of their own yet. Or they live far away, out of state. anyways. you IFers know what I am talking about.

But here, I can be me. I have the support of my IF sisters. Amazing that I have something in common with all of you.

Thank you for being there for me. your caring and support gets me through from day to day during all this dreaded waiting for baby #2.

Friday, April 10, 2009

no real workouts....WTH

I forgot to mention earlier.

Nurse from the Re clinic wants me to stop working out with weights and long cardio with personal trainer during 2ww and if I am BFP I would have to change my workout altogether. just walking. she doesnt want my heart rate up she says.

Great! (dripping with sarcasm)

How am I suppose to lose this extra weight be able to put on pregnancy weight. I thought I would have more time. I didnt realize that I would have to "take it easy" even before the positive pregnancy test.

What does that mean for a pregnancy in the long term. Bed rest? huh? interesting.

breast hurt still. wore a sports bra all day. That helped. took it off, back to ouchy.

whatta co-wink-i-dink

I was on the verge of calling my Re. Phone in hand.

The phone rings.

Guess who it is...

My Re office.

My 'nurse' R who I loved is no longer working there. Not sure the back story, not my place to ask...but I am curious. new 'nurse' to my case is P.

I guess I was suppose to call on positive OPK results. because I was suppose to start Progesterone. Not told this by R. Waiting now for next cycle if I am not pregnant to do this step.

P is mailing me an order for blood work. for 11 days from now. If my period does what it usually does, I will or will not have my period by then. HPT will most likely work a few days earlier.

nipples still sore. Kept me up along with Bug last night.

He was up at two for the day. He had a snack, water, and a story. I went back to bed. then he called for me again. this time for chapstick. sent Hubby this time. half hour later Bug called a third time, wanted me to lay with him. so I did. I was so tired I was going to just sleep next to him for the night. But my nipples hurt so bad curled up on his small bed. So once he feel asleep I went back upstairs and fell into a dreamless stooper.

He slept late this morning, but has no fever or anything so off to preschool. Which he really wanted to go b/c they are having an easter party with an egg hunt.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Titty Torture (pregnancy day dream)

My boobies are killing me.

I feel like I have clothes pins attached to each nipple with a five pound bag hanging from them.

I thought taking a shower might help them. Not at all. It felt like little needles were being drilled into each breast.

I told my hubby about it and he was like..."Isn't it a bit early". What do I know. I didnt have titty torture like this when I was pregnant with Bug OR my two angel babies.

He doesnt want me to get my hopes up. So blah he is. Always the realist. Can't hope for anything out loud unless it's obvious it's going to happen. It really got to me.

Later he whispered to me in passing, "I hope you are." that was it. But enough to make me smile.

But damn my boobs hurt.

I've been surfing the net tonight with dreams of being pregnant.

I did a calculating thing on babyzone. The baby's due date would be Christmas day. Now that would be a miracle. (if I go nine months with my lovely half uterus)

any idea on how to relieve nipple tenderness. think of a stone thrown into a lake. The nipples where the stone lands. the pain starts there and radiates out like the rings of rippling water.

Bug sick update...and other stuff

He has slept the majority of the day. Look at his cheeks. He was roasting. I pulled his pant legs back and took the blanket off him.

When he finally woke up I took his temp. It's gone up. 102.2 now. But this is "normal" when kids sleep. Temp rises. I gave him some medicine and a cold cloth.

I've had him taking small sips of watered down ginger ale. He doesn't drink Soda, so I had to tell him it wasnt soda, but medicine. (moxie story to come later)

He is a little more animated now (it has taken me 45 minutes to write this much) and in that time he has come more alive. Watching Madagascar and finding the hidden pictures in his High Five Mag. that just came in the mail.

Guess what else came in the mail. A packet from his school to be. Kindergarten registration forms. My hands shook and I got all teary. I can't believe it's happening.

My right nipple is sore. It hurts to touch, hurts to hang, hurts to be in a bra. any ideas?

here comes TMI, but it's my blog, so here goes. My right nip is inverted. Always has been. Was a bitch to breast feed Bug. couldnt get that one to work, and he mutilated the other one. I ended up pumping, emptying the freezer so there was only breast milk. I had months worth of Breast milk.

but usually the inverted one stays inverted...always. Sometime when really cold...well, anyways. It's like half erected right now. (peek down my shirt) both are. random. but only the right hurts. *feel test* yup the left one is tender. but not painful like the right.

How early can you start to get signs of BFP. OPK states O on cd14. It is currently cd16. But this cycle has been different since MTHRF cocktails.

My cycle usually was I only have 21 to 23 days. had period for only three days with some spotting after. and O on cd8 to cd10. Period was Never heavy. This cycle was heavier and lasted about six days. very little to no spotting after flow stopped.

WHO the hell knows what is going on. But my tits hurt.

Bug S.I.C.K.!!!

Bug is home sick.

I knew it was coming. He has had a headache off and on for the last couple days and because of his dive off the stage last week. I called the doc. She said since his
headaches didnt comeon right after he fell, he is
most likely coming down with something...

Sure enough ---------------->

Bug has slept all morning. Now he is up with droopy eyes and the glow of fever on his cheeks.

Poor guy. He has taken the "throw up" bucket everywhere.

He said he was hungry but didnt want typical bland things...

He settled on a Banana. I offered him small nibbles and he wanted more, but I told him we had to wait to see if it was going to settle like a brick on his tummy first.

After second nibble I hear a sound of duress. I look over and see him spitting out the second bite. I asked him if he was ok. His response....

"It's hitting my tummy like a brick. "

I nearly busted a gut. I have never used this phrase with him. To hear him say it and in the right context cracks me up.

Flashing sign he isnt feeling well: He has gone from watching his new favorite Five year old cartoons, dinosaur king, chaotic M'arrillian, Tutenstein, growing up creepie. back to his "baby shows" on Noggin. Olswald, Blue Clues, Miss Sunny Patch, Backyardagins. Little Bear.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009


man I hate waiting.

But I feel good about this cycle.

It's almost too scary to hope. but it's there.

a sliver of hope.

I'm waiting...always waiting.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

puddle run.

I was dragging all day. no energy. massive headache. so i slept all day. I would have slept more if I could, but I had just slept too much. Today is day two of no Caffeine. I drink decaf coffee hoping the placebo effect will occur.

I got to sleep in (made hubby lunch last night, set out bugs outfit for today the night before) All hubby had to do was go out the door and drop bug off at preschool.

I didnt go to the gym today. I had every intention to. Just couldn't get past the headache and 101 excuses not to. After dinner tonight Bug, Grana (MIL) and I went for a walk. Hubby is at Tuesday night Dodge ball.

It wasn't just any walk. it was a puddle run. I put on my sneakers for the walk and Bug was like, arent you going to put your boots on too? OH OK.

so we walked the neighborhood. (classic suburbia) and when we saw a puddle we would race the other to the puddle. It got intense. running in puddle boots is not easy. Bug has endless energy. I got home and not only was I soaked from jumping in the puddles, but I had sweat dripping down my back, side and front. It was really a fun cardio work out.

Plus Bug is one half hour cartoon away from going to bed. He can barely hold himself up. Awesome.


What does it feel like to have MIL live with us?

Like living with a parent. She is really helpful. But at the same time a nag. Kinda like "clean your room" but in regards to the whole house. I feel like she is always judging me or what I do. even if she doesnt say anything.

I am always having to watch what I say. I have to have manners all the time. It can be frustrating.

It's hard sometimes to take a grown up role in my own house because it's easier to let her do things.

But over all it's good. We have a routine. and we have a split level house, so she is down stairs most of the time. That is her domain. And she cooks every night.

Bug loves having her here. He really doesnt know anything different. he loves his Grana so much.

It's been seven years since she told us that she has MS. We knew that since my SIL didn't want to live with MIL and she is all about herself, it would eventually some day come down to us to have her live with us. We knew this before we got married. It just happened sooner then we thought. She was unable to take care of her house on her own. It was too tiring.

So she sold her house and moved into our little two bedroom apartment. that was hell. but we found a perfect house that would accommodate my family plus "grana".

her neurologist retired or became ill or something and so she got a younger more up to date one. she had a new spinal tap and discovered that her spinal fluid is clear, not the 1% type milky substance of someone with MS.

So off her meds. She gets better. but she starts to regress again. Alot of it is neurological. She can't think fast, if she is doing one thing and someone comes to help she cant switch gears quickly to accept the help. If asked a question she takes f.o.r.e.v.e.r. to decide on an answer.
She physically gets tired very easily. She cant stand up well. and needs help, but once standing she is fine. If she over does it one day, she is out of commission for a couple days later.

After new consultation in Boston to a MS specialist. it was decided that she doesn't actually have MS. But unable to figure out what it is. no test are revealing what it is. but now she thinks or rather doc are thinking that it might be lime disease. we dont know. more test to come.

Anyways. that is a snippet of MIL living with us.

Monday, April 6, 2009

OOOOOO yeah Awkward

So, this cycle has been way off. Weird but good. New MTHFR meds made period smoother. But my O has been off. I thought I would miss it all together this month. Not so. The line has been getting increasingly darker. It was at the point this morning that I was for sure we would be O tonight.

Did I mention my MIL lives with us. That is a story for another post, but yes, it's true. usually we plan our baby dancing for when she isnt here. Not the case tonight. Couldnt be helped. We were going to talk her into taking Bug for a walk this evening after supper. It's pouring. Like near flood pouring.

So I told her she needed to occupy Bug at the other end of the house and on a different floor after dinner. She was like...oh really. Gulp. yes. just do it. LOL

So they watched Pinocchio. Her bday present. It worked. Everyone but Bug knows what was embarrassing. Funny though she hasnt had a clue the rest of the times. We do a great job hiding it. It just couldnt be hidden this time around.

One word sums it up.....Awkward. I hope it was worth it.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

damn insurance...

I needed to post this before I forgot that I wanted to comment about it...

But first I have to go puddle stomping with Bug.


Man, What perfect timing. It's been raining, dreary, and after one hellish night of dreams... Perfect timing Stacie. AND they are my two most favorite colors. Pink and lime green.

I LOVE THE SOCKS. I find it particularly humorous that my pinky toe is so tiny they dont fit into the pinky slot. Look at the angle of the empty sock-toe.

Bug has had a blast with them as well.

Sock it to me has been so much fun. It has introduced me to a very special lady who amazingly I have a ton in common with. Kym did a great job matching us. Although from what I hear it was fate.

Check out Stacie's blog...

she has her hands full with a set of adorable one year old twin boys. Her sense of humor is right up my alley and she tells ya like it is.

vivid dream

I'm quite disturbed by a dream I had last night. It seemed so real.

I dream that I went in for my annual pap. I had some cramping, but no real cause for them. When I spread my legs to begin the exam the dr. caught a baby. then put it in my arms.

He said, It's a boy. Holding the baby I looked around the room. I said, "Is this a joke. I wasn't pregnant. Where is my mom, she has got to be playing an April Fools joke on me."

THEN, I deliver two more babies, both girls. I had triplets. And didnt even know I was pregnant.

For the rest of the dream I held them. I smelled them, I soothed them. I dressed them. Named them. Showed them off to family. Went shopping for clothes and car seats.


I feel like crying. I wish it was real.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Bug update

I am exhausted. I barely slept last night listening to Bug move about in his sleep. Constantly getting up to check on him.

He is fine. So he seems. It really was a long distance from the stage to the floor. I am surprised he didn't break anything.

I just kept thinking about Natasha Richardson and all the horror stories I read following her death about children with bumps to their head.

And by how quickly Bug was seen at the ER the staff was concerned too.

Again he is doing fine. Gotta keep an eye on him today...but was told he is ok to go to preschool. Will talk to his teachers....

Time to take Bug to preschool...

what a night....

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Bug and ER

Took Bug to the ER tonight.

He fell head first off the stage at church. All the kids were playing on it, he went to jump off or something, and all I heard was a thud and then a cry. hysterical cry. I knew instantly the cry was Bugs.

Bug clung to me and said "I broke my head. I need to go to the hospital"

He seemed fine. But then seemed drunk. balance was all off. It was weird. Mixing up phone numbers.

We took him to the ER. It was busy, but amazing short wait.

Dr. exam. Said he was fine. He seems fine now.