Monday, August 31, 2009

Bug's first day at Kindergarten

First one on the bus.

He wanted his hair spiked...

Mommy and Bug

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Busy. Busy. Busy = exhaustion

It's been a crazy busy last few days. We went to Boston to see the Sox play. It was Bug's first trip to Fenway. He loved it. Then we went to the Boston Museum of Science. That was fun too. I am exhausted.

This coming week is going to be interesting. Bug starts K tomorrow. Big Kid school. yeah. I have multiple dr. appt. Once to see the OB, one for an U/S and another to talk to the consultant about the G.D. and how to check my sugars.

More to come later. I just wanted to put up a post to say hi to all. hope everyone is doing well.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

She has done it again...

I'm so pissed. So very very pissed. And I told her so...

I got back from my OB appointment. Not really grumpy, but tired and hungry.

MIL asked how it went. I told her that the test came back and i have gestational diabetes. I was making myself a sandwich as I said this. I told her I was going to take my sandwich and check in on Bug at the neighbor's house.

She asked if I had talked to hubby. I said, "when would I have. I dont have a cell and I just got home." I told her I would be back shortly. I'd call hubby then. (No offense to hubby my desire to check in on my son was higher then calling and getting hubby's voice mail at the office. )

So I went next door. I came back and MIL told me that hubby had called. I said, ok. thanks. what did you tell him...I had a hunch... She said I told him that you had g.d. adn that you were grumpy.


First of all I was not NOT grumpy, but hungry. I said as much when I was making my sandwich. second of all. I told her I would call and tell hubby when I got back. Who the hell is she to tell my husband my news about my body. I told her as much. I tried to hold it in...

finally I said. I am not happy. That was not your news to share. (I mean telling MY hair stylist that I was having a girl and even taking my u/s pic to show her was annoying enough. but to tell my husband information about our pregnancy (ours meaning hubby and mine, not her and mine). Pissed me royally off.

She said...but as soon as you walked out the door he called. I figured you heard the phone ring. No I told her I didn't. even so, I wouldnt have stopped going over if I had. I had planned on calling hubby when I got home.

I am so mad I want to cry. even yell at her. I didn't yell at her, but firmly told her she over stepped her boundaries. She got up from playing solitaire at the computer and went down to her part of the house. GOOD!!!!

I even called hubby as I planned and sure enough I got his damn voice mail. lucky him. Maybe i will have calmed down by the time he calls back. DOUBT IT!!!

Monday, August 24, 2009


My left breast (non-inverted nipple) leaked TWICE tonight. Within fifteen minutes of each other.

I turn 22 wks tomorrow.

I want my body back.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

message from my MOM

So as I have proudly stated before, I live in Maine. My mom grew up poor the daughter of a lobster fisherman. Although many of my extended family have thick maine accents, mom didnt really. But she always said "Ayup". A famous Maine saying for yes. I think she was just using it in a good natured mockery of her family...It was her thing anyways.

The other day I was in the car driving home in the dark and listening to the radio thinking about how much my Mom was missing with my son and this pregnancy. There was a new song (country) on the radio and it talked about a woman who died and was taken away by angels. In the song it says that she is happy with God and not to worry. the song ends. Immediately a car drives by me. All I can see is the license plate. It's a vanity plate that says "Ayup". I had to smile. I said out loud..."got the message, Mom"

Wait there is more...if that didn't cause goose bumps.

We are in the process of turning the den into the baby's room. Hubby found two dvd that came from our crappy video camera. On it it says that they are from when Bug was four months old. We dont have many vidoes from when he was a baby. So I was excited. unfortunately one didnt work, damn crappy video camera.

The second one I put in and immediately I see a hand feeding Bug what looked like peas. I knew right away it was my Mom. there were ten minutes of interaction between my Mom and Bug. She looked so healthy. On the video I captured her singing Grand-me-me-me to Bug, trying to teach him her name. in her goofy sing song voice. This is how she got her name as Meme. She would sing that to Bug and he eventually started calling her that. It was a wonderful moment to have captured on film. I always told Bug the story of how she got her name, but there it was for him to see. I never knew I had filmed that. I dont ever recall seeing this dvd. I was in tears watching it. It was her voice. I could feel the love she had for Bug and I just know she has the same love for my baby-girl.

All this has been happening in these past two weeks that have been wicked hard for me. So there is no way I can doubt that she is here with me. She is. It's not the same. Not the same by far. But to see her and hear her voice out of the blue and to hear and see the message on a dark country road... it just warms me to know that as much as I miss her and cry (read sob) from missing her, she is with me. I have to keep reminding myself that.

Saturday, August 22, 2009


Hormones are a good enough thing to blame my mood on lately. What will happen after the baby comes and I still feel like shit mentally. Can't really blame it on hormones then. I've probably mentioned it in the past but I suffer from depression for as long as I can remember as well as anxiety attacks.

Although the anxiety is mild these days I still have trouble leaving the house. I now can go to the store or to appointments as needed. But to socialize or even drive the distance to my home town it's difficult. Especially now since my mom has passed. Where I used to feel welcome anytime at my parent's house -- now with Dad's wonderful live in gf. I feel like I am imposing. she likes the house to be perfect. My mom didn't care as long as you picked up before you left.

I've been needing to get out of here and naturally I wanted to go "home". Dad was busy on Sunday, but didn't even offer to have me come friday night or saturday. just said he was busy on Sunday. GF didnt step up and say, hey I will be home. How about you come anyways....Where my dad always had time for me, now I feel like I take a back seat.

My relationship with my husband can carry me only so far. I miss my Mom. My best friend. Here I am getting all teary eyed thinking of her. (I've been crying all day) This pregnancy has been so difficult. Not in terms of what is happening, but in terms of this needs to be watched and that needs to be watched and Mom wasn't around for any of my loses either. She was with me every step of the way with Bug. Missing the birth by mere minutes. She was suppose to be in with us, but it all happened so fast. She didn't have a chance to get there in time. But that was ok. Now I just simply miss sharing things with her. Hearing her voice...hugs. sitting in comfortable silence, shopping, driving around. visiting.

With my depression I have a difficult time with self-esteem and maintaining friendships. It's hard to go to someone's house without having an anxiety attack. I have no life so it's hard to maintain a conversation. Non of my "friends" have children so it's hard to relate with them. I have been out of work for almost nine months and have no adult conversation. Hubby says this is my fault. I dont nourish relationships..true, it's difficult for me. I always feel like a burden and my moods are so unpredictable as is my anxiety, it's hard to plan ahead.

I recent hubby for his softball, guys night out, constant chatter on facebook, on the phone, for his basketball league, dodge ball, and even for working and outings he has work related. Only my dad and sister call me. And that is just because it's written in the rule book that they "have" to.

I only go to dr. appt., to and from preschool, practices. I feel like my job is to take care of Bug and have no adult conversations.

Tears are streaming down my face...MIL is staring at me...I dont feel like talking to her. I recent her for not being my Mom and for stepping into my life (i.e. bedroom door shut, crying, talking to hubby, she knocks to ask if she can turn the AC on in the baby's room...come on, she can't decide that for herself) No privacy. So I can feel her eyes on me. I will cut this short as I am too upset to continue anyways...I need privacy. I need a friend. I need to get out.

I just need.....

Friday, August 21, 2009

Thursday, August 20, 2009

MIL hell

So it's probably been since I found out I was pregnant. But got worse especially when we found out we were having a girl.

she is so dramatic. squeals and gasps and constant talking like an overly excited cheerleader minus the valley girl part.

She is sensitive and has low self-esteem that makes everyone of our exchanges lately make me feel like a bad guy cause she cringes away or acts like a mouse.
for example last night I was getting a drink of water out of the fridge. It was almost eleven at night, most lights were off. I went to close the fridge and there she was...BAM in my face. I jumped and said "Geez you scared the hell out of me." A normal response for getting scared to death. She was all apologetic and acted like I yelled at her. where as other people would have laughed and said gotchya. She acted like she did something wrong. which she didnt. I dont know how to explain it. It's just so annoying.

She lives with us and at times the lines of who is Bug's parent seems thin. She is constantly disciplining him and even over riding what we have told him. Or if we are talking to him she will cut in. Or if we ask him a question, she will answer. I highly believe in teaching moments and will ask Bug a question about something that might have happened or just happened or what if this happens type scenarios. She will answer or give him hints. UGH. The other day we all went out to eat, Bug, hubby, me and MIL. Bug forgot to thank the waitress for something and instead of a verbal cue, which at this point he is getting too old for, I was giving him a non-verbal cue so he would come up with the words himself...MIL jumps in and gives the verbal cue. It just bugs me. When hubbby and I are there, she should back down. We keep reminding her, and she is like, I know I know, but still does it. DRIVES ME CRAZY.

The latest piss me off straw was last night. We went to a ball game. the four of us. The crowd was crazy. As we were leaving. I was telling Bug to wait up, dont get too far ahead we didnt want him to get lost. He was great. Guess who goes ahead and gets lost in the crowd.....MIL!!! I even hollered over the crowd to her when I saw she was about disappear under the stadium where the food and exits are. Where are you going...wait up. She looked up and kept going. She didnt say anything to us, where to meet her. what she was doing. Hubby had to use the bathroom so we made a meet spot. We found each other quickly. MIL was still MIA. Hubby went back inside looking for her,he came back saying he didnt see her. I went into the ladies room looking for her...we couldnt find her.

We decide to walk the long distance to the car to see if she just simply left without us...Bug is near tears begging us not to leave without Grana. We try to reassure him that we wont. I am seething. about to blow a gasket. I didnt realize when I was pre-teaching Bug about getting lost in crowds that I should have been teaching MIL instead. Sure enough she is leaning on the hood of the car. She walked the back streets of &^$$&()**** all by herself. Smart woman. She left us worried and searching for her. What the hell. I was so mad. Hubby warned me to stay calm.

I had a million and one things I want to say to her. Instead I calmly say, maybe do you think next time you could stick with us even if we have to walk slower (that was her excuse, she didnt want to hold us up...) I'd rather do that then be worried about where she was. I said. (Besides I am five months pregnant. How fast does she think we were going to be walking and in a speed controlled crowd...arg.)

I am so annoyed with her. It just keeps getting worse. what am I to do?

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

failed test

I was never good at test...

I failed my early screening for gestational diabetes and have to go in on Thursday for the three hour test. UGH.

If I pass it, I will be screened again later. Man I hate that drink.

I was tested for Bug but passed. Must be being older and heavier that has done me in.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

belly shots

hubby and me

Bug kissing Hannah---stretch marks left over from Bug.

Me totally uncomfortable in this heat...

Friday, August 14, 2009

old hair, new hair


after...ignore the dark circles under my eyes, and clutter f*** of my fridge.

Better pictures to come. I really love it.

chrysalis magic

Last year all his caterpillar "pets" died. I expected nothing less from this little guy.

I truly thought AJ's caterpillar died . It was lifeless. But I pretended to AJ it was still alive and just sleeping. Not ready to face it's death to a five year old....

But it actually turned into a chrysalis. so excited for him.

When I told him, he said...I know Mommy. I saw it first.

I can't wait till it comes out. yeah.

Simple pleasures. and I didn't have to lie.!!!

Thursday, August 13, 2009

hair today gone tomorrow...

Oh that was a horribly bad title...But I couldn't help myself.

Well, yesterday I had seven...SEVEN...inches taken of my head of hair. it's now chin length and doing it's own thing in this humidity.

The best thing about it is I took a five minute shower. It could have been shorter, but I just stood there for three of those minutes. Then I got out. towel dried, put moose in it, a clip for my bangs (that arent quite bangs and curled so as not able to put behind ears to keep out of my eyes) and good to go.

It was awesome.

Hubby knew I had a hair appointment, first in like 18 months. He thought I was just getting a trim and if long enough do locks for love in honor of my Mom's bday coming up this weekend. But I was three inches short and I looked up to the heavens and said. "Please forgive me MOM....Cut it, M." So she did. Mom would totally understand. She is the one that gave me the thick heavy hair. When it was wet it was so heavy...oh the headaches.

So I showed up to Hubby's softball game last night with a new do. As I drove into the parking lot he squealed like a girl...I thought I was going to hit something or someone. I had a moment of panic, until I heard him say, "I love it." That was cool.

By the way...he won his game. It was close up to the last inning when Hubby's team smashed them...They beat the undefeated team. It was a play off game. It was super cool.

I'm off to buy Bug school shoes and his first pair of cleats for soccer. His first season of soccer. I can't wait.

Have a great day all.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Tired & 20wks...UPDATE (responses)

Wow. I am tired. Last night I laid down with Bug at his bedtime and fell asleep with him. If Hubby wasn't talking in his sleep, I would have slept all night. But after that I was in and out of sleep. Not being able to get comfortable. I was only comfortable on my back. which is a big no no. I can't really lay on my left side (uterus side) for some reason it's sensitive. Has been from day one. The leaves only the right side which goes numb after a while. So as you can see it's difficult to find a comfortable sleeping position. Lets hope that the next half of the pregnancy goes quick.

20 weeks. I can't believe it. I am getting a little more mentally comfortable each day. But sometimes like last night as I fell asleep I have a freakish thought that something maybe wrong with my Hannah Girl. Then she moves and I feel better. I can't wait until I am past 30 wks. I think I will be calmer with the knowledge that I surpassed the date I was at when I went into Preterm with Bug.

Bug is wanting MORE to eat for breakfast...Gonna go find him something....He already has had two pieces of toast and OJ....hmmm.... OH no I think he just found his caterpillar that didn't make it through the night....ugh...

wish me luck.

So how do you respond to everyone...I guess just an update right...

Melissa: I did buy one of those mega expensive prego pillows. I used it for a half hour reading in bed before falling asleep. It caused a huge HUGE anxiety attack. I was so claustrophobic. I couldnt use it. I tried a regular body pillow...It worked with bug. But not this time around. So I have two different pillows that I use for support in addition to the two I usually use. One is b/w my legs, a squishy one for upper body support and my regular two under my head. Hubby has so completely gotten used to only having a small portion of our queen size bed.

Hillary: OMG. My arms fall asleep too. They are so awkward. I have no place to put it. Hence the second pillow for arm support.

Mary: I so can't believe you are waiting to find out. that would kill me. WOW. I also don't remember being this uncomfortable this early with Bug. It must be because I am six years older and 40 pounds heavier. I am sure you will do much better then me at this stage of teh game. I am already having difficulty getting of our squishy couch. This afternoon I went to sit on the hammock to watch my father in law install a zip line for Bug. It was a long way from standing to sitting. then I went Humph. I think my ass hit the ground. Then Bug wanted me to help him reach the zip line...I had to literally roll off the hammock. With FIL standing there laughing at me. HAHA. funny.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Bug's friend...UPDATED


so pick up time came and went. No Dad of friend. fifteen minutes go by...annoyed I call cell phone. no answer. I call on the half hour for an our and half. Both home and cell. No answer.

Hubby is fuming. I'm sooooo irritated. I dont know where she works but I know what town so I start calling the businesses industry that she is in. After five inns I find her.

Oh I am mad. She apologizes...I tell her it's not ok. She says she is going to call and wake up her husband who worked nights. He was suppose to pick up their two kids after work...not go home to sleep. WTF.

She calls back. My husband, who is mild mannered rips into her. She says she can't get a hold of Dad. But to drive the half hour to their house to drop off the kids.(if he isn't there, call her at work and she will drive home....AN HOUR PLUS AWAY!)

I get there, dad is walking out the door rubbing his face like he just woke up. he said Mom didn't call to wake him. I told him I had been calling.

He said he didn't know where his cell phone was...IMMEDIATELY after he said that as if on que, his phone rings in his pocket...NO JOKE.

He says all surprised like...oh there it is...I was sarcastic and said...OH there it is. I was livid.

SO, hubby and I both agree we wont be encouraging the boys friendship and my blossoming friendship with friends Mom is over. I dont need the lying and drama.

It still amazes me that even after my ten pm call to mom yesterday regarding sick two yo. that we didn't get one call from either parents to check in on their daughter today. Not one. No one asked at drop off or during our calls to them. WTF.


Is it wrong of me to really dislike one of my son's friends. He is only five. He drives me nuts. He whines all day long. If you ask him to do something like, pick up his spilled cheerios he puts his arms across his chest, pouts and stares at the ground with a whine.

He is constantly picking at his penis. ALL DAY LONG. Bug doesn't do this...not even once a day.

I over heard him tell my son "it was fun pulling our pants down last night, right." what do I do about that. They had taken a tubby together earlier. They knew that the other had a penis...I know it was friends idea. Bug never plays or even pays attention to his penis. After initially finding it as a toddler, that was it. He never really touches his.

We caught friend in a lie last night. Saying after he took gum and no longer having it asked for a piece (we put it out of his reach)We asked him what happened to the one he just had. He said, I dont know. Then he went on to say he put it under the couch. So hubby asks him to get it and put it in the garbage. He "looks" for it under the couch and tells us it's too far back he cant reach it. So I look. It's not there. When confronted he says he swallowed it. Well that was no biggy. It was the lie.

He lied again this morning when he hit Bug. and said that Bug hit him first. No he didnt. I was right there watching. Ugh. Bug isn't really lying yet. It drives me nuts.
I seriously dont trust this kid.

Now Bug is whining like no tomorrow. I have no patience for it. I hate it. truly hate whining. It's worse the chalk on the chalk board. My nerves are shot.

I've had friend and his two year old sister since yesterday at 10. and will probably have them past noon today because their parents are working odd shifts and their usual baby sitter is out of state. To add to it all, two year old C hates me. I have never met a child that hates me before.She completely ignores me when I talk to her. Will not let me do anything for her. Changing her diapers, clothes, food, dress her, bath her. It has to be hubby. But he doesn't want to change her diaper or bath her...weird I dont get it. He said he will his own girl. So we hold her down...or he holds her standing up while I put the diaper on while she stands. ...yeah I am that good. and sponge her instead of a full out bath.

Well adorable little pixie C is sick. snotty nose. and cough. Well cough in the middle of the night. It was awful. I am dead on my feet around ten pm. I call her mom. who is home from work by now and say hey, she has really gotten worse. She says give her half of whatever you would give Bug. But doesn't offer to come get her. The plan was to have the kids sleep here so they could get rest instead of going home at ten and back here first thing in the morning. But with a sick child, she is up and miserable anyways each time she coughs. she wont take the teaspoon of medicine. So I am sneaky and take the nipple from her bottle. Put the medicine in the nipple and ask her to have her bottle. In her sleep she takes the nipple. She coughs five minutes later...but sleeps through the night. THANK GOD.

I am irritated with kids mom. She hasn't call once since I have had the kids, for almost 24 hours. This is so off for me since I would be calling on every break. Plus if my baby was sick....

I am so annoyed. I wont be doing this favor again.

Hubby and I both agree...

Two is enough.

Friday, August 7, 2009

OB appointment

So, additional to my peri-u/s earlier this week. I had an OB appointment today. I mention the pains in my stomach. Strange, but I couldnt put a finger on what kinda of pain, but she knew exactly what I was talking about.

It's my c/s scar from Bug, five years ago. She said that it's stretching and we need to keep an eye on it. make sure it doesn't go too thin. Man it hurts. weird.

so a couple of things to keep an eye on with this weeks appointments.

I also did my glucose testing early this morning. man that was nasty. I nearly lost it. I could feel myself go green. But it held and I had it done. I was nervous that at my OB appointment it would show (all that sugar) and there would be more concern for diabetes. I didn't have it with Bug, but I am also forty pounds heavier. But my Dr. said their was no excess sugar in my urine. I dont think I have a sugar problem...but might as well cover all the basis right.

hugs everyone...I'm watching Pollyanna with my MIL.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

stomach virus

so all that cramping I had was (is) a stomach virus. Food goes right through me. I did have my peri-u/s yesterday. Hannah has gained two ounces for a whopping 10 ounces. I on the other hand have lost a couple.

everything went well with the u/s except my placenta is low laying. Not too big a concern this early. but something else to monitor. Keeping an eye on it so it doesnt turn into placenta previa.

She is moving like crazy right now. I can't wait until Mike and bug can feel her. I think she is excited that I am up and out of bed and actually drinking more fluids.

I found a baby girl theme at Babyies R Us yesterday that I REALLY want. But well...we dont have the money and Bug's was unisex. I dont care. I really want it. It's called. sugar plum.

It matches the hand stamped boarder from the previous owner's baby's nursery.

Gotta cut this short...Bug needs me....

Monday, August 3, 2009


I am having such pain on the left side...uterus side. It hurts. My back hurts. I had terrible diarrhea in the middle of the night. Kept me up. Finally fell back to sleep. I dont know how cause it just hurts all over my stomach.

My whole side hurts. the baby side. I have an ultra sound at the peri. on wed. and need to do blood glucose tomorrow. If its not better I am calling the dr.

I am nervous because any movement hurts. just sitting here hurts. but it doesn't feel like a contraction. Just hurts....

....I just hurt.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

barely writing...

So I feel really guilty for not updating my blog regularly. I dont know what it is. I just have been so blah lately. I dont want to always be icky and complaining so I just haven't written.

I dont know. I am just so tired and uncomfortable. I'll be 19 weeks on tuesday. Which is wonderful and great and all that. It's been a long road. But I'm learning that being pregnant while over weight is no fun. super uncomfortable. I wasn't overweight with Bug. It was so much easier.

On a good note. I had a job interview on Friday. Hugely showing. No hiding the Hannah Bump. But it went well. I seriously think I will get it. Not impressed with the near hour drive. But it's a straight shot. I have no idea how I am going to juggle all my OB appt. and work. especially with the long drive between potential work and OB and Peri. offices. Hmmm.

(HANNAH IS MOVING RIGHT NOW...I LOVE THAT FEELING....cant wait until hubby and bug can feel too)

Bug wants soon...

Saturday, August 1, 2009


We finally have sunny days after months of rain, but it's muggy as hell. I am grumpy as hell. I dont do muggy. I dont do wet heat. I can't breath. The bugs have been awful all summer, mosquitoes that is, because of all the wet. So it's near impossible to go outside without the fear of being carried away.

Bug starts school this month. whoa. My baby is going to school.

I may not be committing or writing blogs, but I am keeping up. So keep on writing.