Tuesday, March 31, 2009

OPK not all the same

I am kinda frustrated. I had six OPK from the RE. wal.mart brand. I used those and I liked them b/c they showed when you were not having registered levels of LH hormone and when the levels start to rise, the color changes, until eventually the line is dark as or more then the test strip.

Well, I used all those up and wal.mart was sold out so I got clea.r Bl.ue easy. The first one I tried showed nothing. It was defunct. Not even a test strip.

the second one I used had the test strip but showed no elevation in LH hormone. What the hell....wal.mart brand showed rising hormones.

But at least I had fun last night. hehehe.

Monday, March 30, 2009

OPK and interview (not at the same time)


Well, these things do work. The line is starting to get darker. I had my morning bladder emptying session and remembered right at the end to test. Oppsy. then worked out with lots of water. So line was light when I finally took it. Not sure if this is because of drinking and diluting or if it's just starting to get dark.

Either way, I told hubby we are doing it tonight. Tomorrow he wont be home until late, boy (as in Hubby) has to play, dodge ball. Tonight it is. I want them there swimmers in place in case the line is the darkest tomorrow.

then we can go at it again another day. Oh, I am excited. Yes for the sex AND for finally getting to do something instead of waiting around. You all know how much I love to wait.


Had my second interview at the agency today. I dont think I had to try to blow it. My resume did it for me. I dont know for sure, but I dont think I will get the job. The competitor in me is disappointed, as well as the broke me. But I have no experience working with mentally ill adults, which appeared to be a concern. But by the looks of the weirdo interviewing me the other candidate wasn't so hot either.

So I may or may not get it. Which is good, cause I dont really want the hours. Bad because I really need the money.

chuck e cheese disaster

I was so not impressed with Bugs party at Chuck E cheese. First off, they had eight parties at the same time ours was. It was chaotic. Our teen-e-bopper ("T") of a waitress sucked. Table was not set up when we got there. Our pizza was late, kids didnt get a drink until most of their pizza was gone and that was after Hubby asked for them three times and I finally took some cups and helped myself.

At one point I was cleaning up the tables to prepare for presents. "T" came over and said you dont have to do that. My response. yes I do, because you havent. I had to ask to bring the cake out. She lite the candle before I was able to get in front of Bug to take a picture. By the time I squeezed in, he had already blown out the candle. I made her light it again. I had to cut the cake with a plastic picnic knife.

And in the middle of cutting the cake, hands all goopy from frosting, the "parade" with Chuck E was announced and Bug was so overwhelmed he wanted me to go with him, sticky hands and all. Bday kids were suppose to meet chuck-E, but so many other kids were there Bug couldn't get to him.

All eight parties were jammed together so that parents could not even stand behind their kids or walk the isle to help little ones. There was no room for one party set of parents let alone two for the one isle.

T brought the bill over in the middle of opening presents. As if I have time for it then. I had to give the comment card to Hubby to fill out b/c I was so pissed. Shortly after she came back and even though she said No rush on the bill asked if I got a chance to see it. NO! Bug was opening presents.

Everything about it sucked. Some kids showed up that didnt RSVP. I didnt have gift bags for them. PLUS they really didn't participate with the party. Their mom's took their kids bday participant tokens and used them themselves. I was ripped. Hubby put bugs bday coins, which was like 50 tokens on the table during presents and they were stolen. We were right there. I think it was no RSVP moms.

But thankfully Bug was clueless and had a great time. He insisted he wasn't five until after his party. He turned five at Chuck E Cheese, he said.

After you are done looking at my adorable boy and imagining the candle lite, check out the space for adults in the isle. Thankfully the kids in the table behind had moved onto the games and jungle gym by then. Or there would have been NO room for adults.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Bug turns Five

I can not believe that in 20 minutes Bug will officially be five.
Where does the time go?

aprox. 8 wks old

1st bday party. Blues Clue theme

2nd bday on opening day of red sox (daddy's idea)

3rd bday (Thomas theme) picture on other computer...but I have this from that era.

3---> potty training. with fav. book The Napping House.

4th bday Tow Mater from the movie Cars

Last Month at Jokers.

Tomorrow's bday picture to come...

and no I dont make the cakes, "THE CAKE LADY" does. She if amazing.

Friday, March 27, 2009

sex ed to 5 yo


No freakin way!!! Bug will be in kindergarten this fall. He is so not ready for "the talk". As if talking to five year olds about sex will help teens from not having sex. give me a break.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Fantasy baseball vs Labor

During my pregnancy with Bug I went into pre-term labor. I ended up in the L&D room during the super bowl when the Pats were playing. (we are from new england) Adam Vinatieri made a game winning FG. Jokingly, I said that if we had the baby we cant name him Adam. As we had already picked out the name Anth.ony Jam.es, to call him AJ. Hubby thought it was a great idea. We didnt have him that night. Thank God.

The night I went into labor for real was the night of Hubby's Baseball draft. At first I thought it was false labor or a reaction to the popcorn I ate. I watched tv and would randomly, for about three hours would go into the den and tell my husband it hurt and it wasn't stopping. He would continue doing whatever the heck guys do during their drafts, with a absent minded "you doing ok?" Sure I would reply.

By eleven at night the cramps were really getting bad so I decided to take a shower since the doc said if it was false they would go away with a change in body temp. During the shower I had a screaming ouch pain that bent me double. I came out and passed the den to lay down in bed. the den is across the bedroom. The bathroom was diagonally across from the den. I wasnt hiding the fact that I was uncomfortable and something was going on.

Hubby would call from the den to ask if I was doing ok. yeah yeah I would say knowing this was HIS DRAFT and he had been talking about it for weeks. As if I cared. Finally I yelled back. "I think its for real." I had already been in labor once before with AJ, ANTH.ONY not Adam, and knew what it felt like. When I said I thought it was real hubby said, "OH. Good timing, my draft just ended." What did he think, it just started then? On the drive to the hospital he patted my tummy and thanked the baby for waiting until after the draft before coming. I would like to believe that if I started to have the baby at home he would have left his draft to help deliver the baby. LOL

crap shoot

what a crap shoot of a day. I didnt sleep well at all last night. woke up to take Bug to preschool, make lunch for Hubby. After doing some stuff around the house, laid down to take a nap. Phone rings. I dont answer it. MIL does, (she lives with us, (her health) long story) but doesnt wake me up just then. Sees me stirring, which was really movements in my sleep-- part of a good dream that I dont remember anymore. It had something to do with being really tired and cuddling with the blankets as I lay down for a nap...I was already sleeping...kinda weird. But she woke me to tell me that the agency called and to call them back.

Kinda pissed she woke me. Sometimes it is just easier to sleep the day away. I get my barrings and call them back. they want a second interview. Job is between me and another person. Monday afternoon is the second interview. Great. it will be nice to be employed but I will be working opposite shifts with hubby and miss out on Bug daily happenings. Short term I tell myself. still sucks donkey ass.

CD3 my period is usually winding down. but not so right now. first period while on meds for MTHFR. So it's gone on longer then usual. But I am amazed at the lack of clotting. Then bding and 2ww. I can't wait for the 2ww to be over. I just have a feeling... it's got to work this time...right.

My luck the egg is coming from the wrong side. Why can't I be normal. It seems everything in my life has been a struggle. I dont get it. I could list all the bad, but honestly you dont want to hear it and I dont feel like writing it. But it just feels like when things are looking up. something else comes crashing down. WTH. no really WTF

I feel so alone right now. It's gorgeous out and I would like nothing better to call up a friend and go shopping. That is what I want to do right now. But I am lacking in two areas, the friend and the money. I'm a loner. I like being around people, but not great at keeping a friendship going. My depression and anxiety disorders always get in the way. I tend to isolate myself and then feel bad when I dont have any friends. I dont feel like I am good company. I always feel like someone would rather be somewhere else or with someone else. I want that best best best friend that I had in my Mom. No one quite fits that. Most of my good friends live far away. College and back home from where I am from. I think this might be a deliberate act on my part. It's easier to maintain friendships from a distance.

I long for when my boys get home. Bug and Hubby. maybe my mood sucks because I know Hubby will be home late again for the second time this week. First was due to dodge ball. Yeah he is on an adult dodge ball team. And today he has a work social. he has a life. I on the other hand dont. It sucks. I'm my own worst company. I dont want to be alone right now.

FN computer

I hate my computer right now. I haven't been able to play videos on it. It freezes up. I dont know what to do. There is a Nora Roberts book turned movie that I am dying to see. I love Nora Roberts and have read all her books. I am so mad right now. Frustrated as hell. damn computer. I dont know how to make it so I can watch videos. It will start to play, then stop, then play for another few seconds, then stop again to then play a little bit more. Infuriating. it's not just this movie. It's all videos. wth

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

It's the same, but a little different

I've been waiting and waiting for my period. Now that I have it I want it to go away. Since I have been taking the medication my energy has been up, to the point it got me to the gym. Now that I am working out daily. Crazy work outs-- my energy level and moods are even better.

With taking the medication for MTHFR my period has been harsher. I haven't had cramps since my teen years. Only sign of it coming was my monthly break outs. I didnt really break out this time around, but I have been so so so crampy. Uncomfortably so. AND I have been heavier. bleeding, not weight. No as much clotting. I actually have to use reg. tampons instead of jrs. TMI I know, but note worthy. In my IF mind anyway.

I hope this means my chances of conceiving are better. I hope I O from the left this time around.


OK. so to my surprise yesterday I started my period...

I am anxious to start ttc. but I have no idea when to do it. so I'll start peeing on a stick in a few days to determine this mystery so many woman take for granted. I just pray this month I O from the right side. Not right really since there is no right side, but left.

Then 2ww. ugh. I hate the 2ww. It goes against my patience level.

Well, gotta go get dressed for my workout.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Mario Theme Bday

Bug wearing the mario party hat I made for his bday party. You cant tell, but there really is a visor. Bug buried himself in the mario gift bags we made. We are getting very excited about sunday. Pic of bday cake coming soon.

Monday, March 23, 2009

AF no show

Day two since Auntie was suppose to visit. Getting anxious. I want it to work this time. I dont think I can go months ttc. I applaud (sp?) those woman who do it for years. I am just not that girl. I can't handle the stress. the disappointment. the constant waiting. I hate waiting. I hate it.

No call from agency about job...so I called them. person doing the interviews has been ill. And last of his interviews are tomorrow. So I should get a call from him on Wed. Again, more waiting.

Bug's birthday party is this coming Sunday. His theme is mario cart. There is only one store (online) that carries mario bro theme. We are already paying an arm and a leg for his party to be at Chuck E cheese. (hubbby didnt want all those kids at the house). So, I decided to do some research and I found a site where this lady went all out for her kid with a mario theme. It was incredible. But I dont have that much patience or want to spend as much time on everything as she did, so i just borrowed a few ideas.

First was the party hat. Mario's hat. made out of poster board. It took me a couple, three hours, but Bug loves them. He wore one all night. the other thing I found were printable coloring pages. So I colored some of the things like mushroom, star, turtle shell, and bomb. I am going to cut them out and glue them onto red gift bags from walmart. walla, mario gift bags. I also found two coloring pages of Mario that I am going to color and put on cardboard to make a center piece. Putting on the red table cloth we bought at the dollar store. Lastly, the cake. the cake lady is making it. A friend of my MIL. She has done all his cakes. She is incredible. Last year was a 3-D Tow Mater cake. Unreal. I'll have to post pic later. She is doing a mario cake. I give her free reign. So I have no idea how it's going to turn out. I'm excited to see it.

worked out today after only sleeping approx. three hours last night. dragged my a$$ there. But it was the best work out ever. pushed myself harder and further then I have gone in a while. Tomorrow is trainer free. I miss her on T & TH. So just cardio and butt load of sit ups. Boring. She makes the work out fly. I have to some how come up with another 150 to get eight more sessions with her after these last four are out. I just dont think i am ready to do it on my own. So if anyone knows where a money tree is growing. Let me in on the secret.

Sunday, March 22, 2009


I can't get enough of my blog or others. I am constantly on here. Not much changes, but it is a way to get through unemployment. Should know tomorrow if the agency wants me for a second interview. Not really interested in the position other then the pay check due to the hours. But in this economy...I'll take it.

I want to have two rows with the daily blog in the middle. But on Blogger I can't seem to find a template to do it. Any ideas. Also often my gmail freezes if I try to open it when blogs are open...any idea why? Does this happen to you?

NOOOO!!! It's snowing. Come one Mother Nature. Didn't you see man's calender. Spring has sprung. It's time for that awful white stuff to go away so my tulips can come up. I said to Bug, look outside Bug, there are flurries. "Flu-ez!!!" I busted a gut.

Bug is being lazy and doesn't want to brush his own teeth. So I must go for now and encourage him then put him to bed as Hubby has a fantasy baseball draft going on... Someday I should write about the night I went into labor with Bug for real in 04 while Hubby had a draft. baby can wait, drafts cant. I am a good wife.

Light Pants

OK. so Hubby has had a bad cold. So I told him not to worry about church this morning. I would take Bug alone and he could get some rest. He needs to save up energy for ttc in the next week or so. that means AF is coming any moment.

Without thinking I wore light khaki pants to church. I dont have to wear a belt with them and the belt was in the bedroom with sleeping hubby. I didnt want to disturb him. Half way through Church I get this feeling. You all know it. The oh...I'm starting feeling. Sometimes there are false calls when you are anxiously waiting but that feeling is still real and anxiety provoking especially if you are sitting in church wearing light pants.

I get out and before picking up Bug from church school use the bathroom. Hoping as I walk through the mass of people that there is no proof to why I am rushing. Thankfully it was a false call.

There was a girl in my eight grade math class. She sat right in front of me. She got up after class and there on her seat was every girls nightmare. Eight grade can be brutal this was no exception, no exemption. 15 years later I can recall this as if I was just there.

Friday, March 20, 2009


Its like Face Book for IFers. Totally cool. I'm in awe of Mel from Stirrup Queens for putting this together.


Thursday, March 19, 2009

stressing out

I called the agency back that I interviewed for yesterday. Saying we could work with the (horrendous) hours. But the more I think about it the more I am stressing over not being home during those hours. I would never see Bug or hubby. It's not like I could call them as the hours are night time hours. I have an anxiety disorder. Something I have dealt with all my life, even in childhood. The one thing that really triggers it is being away from home. Even if its at work five minutes down the road. Plus not getting enough sleep.

I am also worried at how me working these hours will effect Bug. He will be starting t-ball this spring and has cherub choir at church on Thursdays. I am the one who takes him. Grandparents would have to take him since Hubby works 30 min. away and doesn't get home until 6 at night. On a good night. He has often worked 50-60 hr weeks.

Hubby says this is short term. get us out of the pit and to start saving again, especially if we are going to have a new baby....eventually. Kinda have to see each other for that wont we. Hubby said if the roles were reversed he would do it. But it's my choice. As if. That comment right there took my choice out of it. He is trying to be supportive, really trying. But also in this time in our economy if a job is offered then I should take it. Doesn't really give me room to make a choice does it.

The more I think about it the more anxious I get. The more depressed. If they call and want a second interview I pretty much think I got the job, since there are only three candidates. Honestly, I hope I don't get this job. then this whole thing would be out of my hands, out of my control. I am really good at selling myself though. There isn't a job that I have applied for and not gotten. I hope that jinxed me and I wont get this one.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Just another day...but not...

Just another day in my wait ttc. Auntie should be here this weekend for a visit. Then off to the races. Those babies better swim man. Enough waiting. I hate waiting. Enough already.

Had a job interview today. For the position of clinical crisis intervention. Job looks interesting. Answering 1800 help hot line for the state, routed to our area. I applied for the job, not because I really super duper wanted it, but because I am qualified and there is nothing really in my field.

Unfortunately the down side is the hours suck. When I mean suck. They REALLY suck. 1pm to 11pm. 2-12am, 8p-8am. YUCK. Will be really hard to change my body cycle. I've been a morning person since my son was born. Hard for me to stay up past 8. i do it, but never really having to think about anything. I am getting anxious just thinking about it.

Hubby says it's up to me to take it if offered. I had to call agency back to tell them what I thought about the hours. Then they will get back to me for a second interview if they are interested in me. I am sure I got the job. I can sell myself pretty good. I was wondering how I can sabotage the interview to prevent them from wanting me so as not to screw up my unemployment benefits and without having to say no to a job in this economy. I really hate the hours.

After Hubby told me it was up to me I said, well I dont really care for the hours. When would I see him or bug. Did I mention that there are also weekend hours. UGH. Hubby works 50-60 hrs a week. I woudl be working 40-50. But it's more money then I have ever made. It's hard to turn that down. After telling hubby I wasnt really interested he called me back from work and gave me incentive to take the job. More personal spending money per pay check that wouldnt go into house hold needs.

So right, my choice my ass. So I made the agrement that I would work there until I became pregnant and had the baby. I agreed to that. SO, I hope we become pregnant soon and it wont be a long term thing. Oh ladies, I dont know. What would you do? I need some insight other then hubby.

Monday, March 16, 2009

working out 101

Hubby is a sweet heart. After my Uncle-in-law gave me a free membership to his new gym that opened up down the road, Hubby gave me a gift certificate for 8 half hour sessions with a personal trainer. my first day was today. I was so nervous. I am out of shape in a major way. But it was awesome.

I went for almost an hour. half of that was cardio that flew by. I wasn't really sore directly afterwards. Couple hours later is a different story. I ache everywhere but my toes. I am going from no working out to five days at the gym. tomorrow I just do cardio and meet with R on M,W,F. for weights and cardio. I feel good about it.

R is awesome. She has been doing this for 26 years. On days she isn't working at the gym she works at the local Navy Base getting Soldiers who have failed their physical in shape. She is tough but in a good way. I really like her.

wish me luck. I hear tomorrow is going to be a killer with aches and pains.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

mommy x3 for a day

Mommy to three...not me. Whoa. I am exhausted. I had to call my dad after my niece and nephew left. As I mentioned before my family had five kids growing up, I had to call dad to tell him he was insane. He laughed at me.

I took the kids to church by myself. Disaster. I was sweating like I ran a 10K. Bug was great as usually, except for the whining due to E getting in his space. E was a mad, mad little girl. she is aggressive and I was constantly speaking to her about hurting hands with the other kids. SIL sent me to church with less then half a bottle for M. That didn't last long. I ended up finding some apple juice and putting a drop in water. That seemed to work. Who knows if he has been exposed to juice before, but he loved it.

Bug was a trooper. Very helpful with M. But the two older kids bickered. I told Bug to use his big boy words with E instead of whining. He said exasperated, "I have been trying all day. She wont listen." They eventually settled to play nicely together. First play dough, then cars, then running around wrestling and then thank God Bro and SIL returned. M was content after lunch and a 45 min snooze.

I didn't stop going all day. I'm sure I could handle three children but man, I am sticking to Bug and God willing one more. As Hubby put it "Your no baby factor." This being said because all the women on my side of the family have 3,4,5+ kids. Nope not me. We are going to ttc one more and I'm done.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Where did this NRG come from? (parenting)

Woke up yesterday more tired then I have been in ages. Forced myself to stay awake. Second wind around one. Kept it all day. I think its the Folbee. Major difference in my NRG level.

Bug had a much needed hair cut. Miss M has been cutting his hair since he was two. My Mom cut his hair the first couple times. Then took me forever to let anyone touch his hair. It was after I flubbed it up myself that I took him to see Miss M. She is wonderful with him. And totally in love with Bug. who isnt?

Miss M is running late. Miss R is in her chair an has very long hair. high lights and cut is done, but would I mind if Miss M blow dried it for her. Not at all I say. I would want my hair dried as well. Oh to be spoiled. Bug is great while we wait. 30 mintues more. Really long hair. I learn that she has three boys. 4.5, 2 and 3 weeks. This is a treat as her parents are in town and she could get away. Quick surge of jealousy. But I am over it as quickly as it came. I was happy to have given her that simple gift of time to be pampered. She hugs me before she leaves. A total stranger. I shake of her over abunance of appreciation and tell her to Pay it Forward. AJ is great as usually in the chair.

Stayed up too late and awake to early this morning. Bug didn't wake until ten minutes ago. almost 8. WOW he way over slept. Must be the growth spurt and getting over his cold. He woke up with a cry of distress. I had a feeling. I asked him if he wet the bed. Nope he says I wet myself. Sure enough. Just a wee bit of leakage. Enough to upset him. I tell him accidents happen and it's ok. After repeating myself a trillion times he calmed down. He isn't a morning person so he was really adamant about not taking a bath to clean up. So I washed him up. got him dressed in pj bottoms and told him he would have to have a bath when he was more awake, before we went to the retirement party this afternoon. he was cool with that.

Bug really is a good kid. We are so lucky. In more ways then one I know. The argument for hubby for the longest time as not to ttc was that we have a perfect son, what happens if the next one isn't as healthy, happy...bottom line....easy as Bug is. that is the chance you take right. You pray for a healthy baby and then work with what God lends you to raise and love.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Rambling in a nutshell.

Yesterday was a good day. Better then I thought it would be after the melt down the night before. I had planned on taking a nap but after laying down for fifteen minutes I realized that was not going to happen no matter how tired I was. I actually got a lot done. Didn't go to bed until late as an old friend called from GA.

Slept horrible last night. Hubby is going off migraine meds and he is snoring like crazy and invades my space, hitting my pillow as if it was in his way. His encroachment on my space making this obnoxious. I couldn't get comfortable. Tried on my side, my other side, my back and my stomach. When I finally fell asleep from exhaustion, I would just be woken up again by my restless hubby. Arg.

I've been up a couple hours now with the uncomfortable dryness in my eyes with my body screaming for sleep. But I am up. No nap today as I am suppose to pick up Bug early from preschool for a hair cut. It's been too long and he is looking like a ragamuffin. Man I am tired.

Weekend is going to be full. Hubby's cousin's retirement party with the in laws. Hubby going to a fantasy sports convention early on Sunday so he is staying the night at Bug's Godparents b/c he is going with M the Godfather. Bug and I to drive the 40 minutes to Godparents house to pick up Hubby. AFTER babysitting all day.

Sunday without the Hubby and I am babysitting my twin's two kids. Three year old E and 5 month old M. SO, I am taking E, M and Bug to church by myself on Sunday as Bug sings in the cherub chior. Insta family. As a single Mom. Fun times. I just hope M doesnt cry the entire time. A couple weeks ago when I was at twin's house M cried everytime I got near him. It was kinda funny to see his face all happy contore into complete melt down. Just not at church. LOL.

OH and Monday I start working out at the gym with a trainer my Hubby got for me. 8 sessions. My A$$ is going to be kicked. But I am excited...kinda.

Picture this...It's not just a horse with a horn....

I thought this would be helpful for those of you who don't know what a Unicorn Uterus is.

I snatched this little blurp from http://www.mulleriananomalies.blogspot.com/

Unicornuate uterus (UU):
When one müllerian duct is underdeveloped or fails to develop, a banana-shaped half-uterus is formed. It may or may not be accompanied by a rudimentary horn, and that other horn may or may not have an endometrial cavity or communicate with the main uterine cavity. A missing kidney or other kidney problems accompany this asymmetric anomaly more than they do other MAs. Frequently, the ovary on the rudimentary side is found in an odd place, further up by the ribs. Adverse pregnancy outcomes are common with UU.

(I am missing my right side, but I do have both my kidneys...go me.)

Unicornuate uterus

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Finally....Melt down.

Through out this entire process I've kept a cool head. A little teary when I got the "we think you might have a UU" comment with no details or confirmation for a month until a second test could be done to know for sure, but no real break down. All that changed last night. I had a weird day with Bug being home ill. Spent most of the day hanging out with him on the couch. I love my time with him. Even though he was ill. Any time with him makes me happy. It was later, much later after hugs and kisses and hours after he had been asleep for the night. I broke down. I sobbed. hard. Everything came crashing down. I wasn't brave or optimistic. I was scared that this dream that hubby and I have wont happen.

I'm devastated that my Mom isn't around to talk to about all this. It's been three years since she has been gone and it feels just like yesterday that I felt her heart stop under my trembling hand. I miss her voice. Her gentle but firm get a grip advice. Her hugs. She was my best friend. It is hard to go through this without her. I lean on Hubby a lot.

I miss that friendship I had with my Mom. A woman's perspective to all this. A woman who after four kids, that including a set of twins, and having her tubes tied became pregnant three years later. For generations on both sides of my family the woman had four plus children. It's kinda mind boggling that I would have half a uterus and MTHFR. Mind boggling.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Mommy to Bug and wanting Bean

Here I am wishing against wishes to have a second child. I feel so guilty that I want another so badly when there are many of you that wish for just one. I love my son. I love him with every breath I breathe. I couldn't imagine my world without Bug in it. And knowing now what I know about my body, makes me love him that much more and to cherish him more then I thought I ever could. Am I being selfish to want more. Just one. I want him to be the big brother. With Bug turning five this month he would be. I hope that they would be close, even in the distance in age.

I have four siblings. Even a twin brother. We are not a close family. We do holidays and random get togethers, but really we aren't close. One brother is in Guam, Air Force, and I could probably count the number of times I have seen him as an adult on both hands. I could count the times I talk to him over the phone in a single year on one hand. The others live an hour or more away. I know that if we lived closer my twin and I would be closer, but it's just not the way it is. He has his life and I have mine. My Mom was the glue that held us all together. When she died three years ago things just changed. For a while we all talked and kept in constant contact. But not so much anymore. Bug loves his cousins. He is right in the middle age wise. He misses them and talks about them. I wish we lived closer...but we don't.

I hope that Bug and Bean are close. I can't wait to see Bug with Bean. Bug talks about being a big brother. He asks me all the time when we will have a baby. I wish I had the answer. I tell him that we are waiting for God to tell us when the right time is. He is OK with that. Honestly, I am not. I'm ready God. Give me our Bean.

2 Legs in a Race to Motherhood

It's a Marathon not a sprint. WHAT. I feel like I have two legs to my journey. Really I want it to be a race. A short sprint to the finish line. I want it to have happen yesterday.

The first leg is getting a BFP with this MTHFR thing hanging over my head. Doesn't it look like MTHFR could be on a vanity plate for MOTHER. or it could be a way to text mother fucker. Ok that is a stretch. maybe it's just my mood.

The second leg would be the pregnancy itself with the UU. Every day will be a worry to make it one more day longer. What would we do if I went early and our baby had to stay in the NICU. I have a son at home. He would be in Kindergarten. We would have to split our time here with Bug and 50 minutes down the road with Bean. I would want to be in two places at one time. But then again I've already had one child, my special uterus could handle a full term pregnancy. I could do it. Why borrow worry as Mom used to say.

It's so hard. I am not even pregnant yet. Who knows when I will be. I have the rest of the month before we can even ttc again. Then a 2ww. Ugh. I hate waiting. All this waiting. I am so not patient. I have all this time to think of 101 possibilities to a reality that hasn't happened yet. Man I am so not patient.

Working on Wellness.

It's snowing again here in Maine. The weather has been super nice lately. I went to Hubby's dodge ball game last night and only wore a sweatshirt. It was really warm. low 40's. But alas, more snow. I'm ready for spring. At least I don't have to trek the 45 minutes to the RE today. We are in that wait stage as I just missed the O window this past weekend. I want to send out a personal invite for AF to come over and stay for a short visit. She can reschedule her usual visit time and come earlier.

I was suppose to start the gym today. Again part of the overall wellness and Hubby's terms of agreement to start trying while I am out of work. Working out is suppose to help with that process. Last year I lost 35 pounds. The pounds I gained from losing Mom. I still have at least 25 more to go. Hubby thinks I can do it in a month if I start working out. As the 35 was done only by change in eating habits.

Bug is home sick today. Nasty cough. poor guy. I didn't want to travel in the snow anyways and a good excuse as any not to go to the gym. Only concern is he only naps at preschool. He wont nap at home. We will have to have a quiet rest time. He is good with that for a half hour or so. Gonna limit his time on the Wii. He loves Mario Cart. He'll challenge anyone who walks through the door. He is going to have a Mario Bday cake this year. I was looking for Mario bro. bday items but it's really more then we can afford. It's hard to plan a bday in March in Maine. The house isn't really big enough for a horde of kids plus parents. We are doing Chuck E cheese this year. Speaking of Which I need to reserve a table.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

MTHFR: Methylenetetrahydrofolate reductase

In addition to the UU, I also have MTHFR. That is what the foltx and 81mg baby aspirin that I am now taking is for. Foltx is a folic acid, vitamin B6 and vitamin B12 cocktail. Although my RE said it wasnt serious as long as I took the foltx, this is what I found regarding MTHFR on pregnancy-info.net

Methylenetetrahydrofolate reductase (MTHFR) is a rare
genetic defect that can lead to complications in pregnancy. Many people do not know that they have this defective gene until after they have had several unsuccessful pregnancies. Others may carry one pregnancy to term and not discover until after wards that they carry the defect.

Women with MTHFR factor have spontaneous miscarriages between 5th and 6th weeks (yeah that is me...as soon as I find out I am BFP. it's immediately followed by a m/c), and a lack of B6 and B12 directly affects rapidly reproducing cells... and that would be what an embryo does. A lack of B6 and B12 causes rapidly reproducing cells to STOP reproducing.

What is MTHFR?
Methylenetetrahydrofolate reductase (MTHFR) is the name of a gene that produces an enzyme, also called methylenetetrahydrofolate reductase. If a person carries the genetic mutation that inhibits production of this enzyme, it can result in hyperhomocytenemia, which is an elevated level of an enzyme called homocysteine found in blood plasma.

When the body is deficient in methylenetetrahydrofolate reductase, its ability to absorb folate (also known as vitamin B9), such as folic acid, is inhibited. Folic acid and B9 are both essential to the development and health of the fetus.

MTHFR and Pregnancy
Because of a mother with MTHFR’s inability to efficiently metabolize folic acid and vitamin B9, the disorder has been linked to a variety of pregnancy complications such as chromosomal abnormalities, such as Down syndrome, and congenital malformations.

Elevated levels of homocysteine have been associated with placental disease, preeclampsia and recurrent pregnancy loss. 21% of women with high levels of homocysteine experience recurrent pregnancy loss.

Because MTHFR is a blood-based disease with many varieties, symptoms vary depending on the exact mutation of the disease. They can include:

(This is mind blowing for me as I have suffered from anxiety since childhood and depression since my teenage years. I have talked to others with MTHFR that have been taking the extra vitimin cocktail and they said thier depression went away and their engergy level skyrocketted. WHOA.)

Blood testing is the most accurate way to screen for MTHFR. This is especially true if women have a history of complicated pregnancies, including recurrent pregnancy loss and/or stillbirths, or if they have given birth to a child with neural tube defects, such as spina bifida.

Taking folic acid can help women with certain mutations of the disease. Folic acid can be found in eggs, dark leafy vegetables, such as spinach and broccoli, oranges and orange juice and legumes, such as peas and dried beans. Vitamin supplements also contain folic acid.

Monday, March 9, 2009

UU Friends needed

Wow. First day I mentioned to someone that I had a blog and I already have people visiting.


I try to talk to hubby about this. That is a joke. Guys just don't get it.

He wasn't present for the sono-hyst or the HSG. But I tried to explain it to him. After the last test I was like. "Honey I want to stick a very small piece of lead in your penis, Then as it becomes uncomfortable and before you can register that a foreign object is some place it's not suppose to be, I want to take that piece of lead and expand it to the side of a Fat child's marker. That is kinda what it felt like."

He laughed at me. I should have said, water bottle not marker.

Wanted: Right side of Uterus

I honestly can't believe the extent of testing I have been through. It's official. No right side. No partial. Nothing. It's not there. Last week I received the results of my final blood work. So what is next I ask. I got an answer, but not the one I want.

I have a mutation in my blood regarding clotting. Not really sure what this has to do with everything, because the doc says not to worry about it. She did give me a prescription for Foltx, in addition to the prenatal that I am already taking. She also wants me to take 81mg of baby aspirin. All this is suppose to help with implantation.

I have no right side. She said she figured that was the case after hystosono and that is why she sent me for the HSG to confirm. During the hystosono she said she thought she saw both ovaries. But today she said there was no right side. No mention of one or two ovaries...but if there is only one side, isn't it logical to think that there is no right ovary. I need to call and find this out for sure.

What is next... Well, sex. Lots and lots of sex. Don't get me wrong, but I am ready for a turkey basters. I told her so. She just laughed. She says that in our case we don't have a problem in regards to becoming pregnant. She says we both, hubby and I, are fertile. (Bug, and two lost pregnancies. Two of those times not trying, one trying for only three months)

The problem is in sustaining the pregnancy. They are going to monitor conception and I will be monitored with dr. visits for the first ten weeks of the pregnancy when it does happen. And if all is well, sent back to my OB. They gave me a bunch of Ovulation kits and I need to call them a million and one times during the month. The clinic will do two types of pregnancy test each month and not wait for AF to visit. They want to monitor from the beginning. Monitor how? Not sure what they can do that early if I start to lose the baby. I guess I will have to call tomorrow to talk to Birdie* my fertility counselor and nurse to find out what can be done if I start to lose a pregnancy. I was kept over night after I was in a car accident in the first trimester with Bug for observations, but told if anything went wrong they wouldn't be able to save him. If this is true, why RE monitoring me so closely. For some reason I had no real questions when at the office, now that I am writing this more and more are popping up.

From the beginning of this process we were told to take a break for ttc until we find out what is going on. I ovulated this past weekend. I wanted ttc, but a part of me was like don't touch me. Oh yeah ! good excuse, we are suppose to wait until told further instructions. Now I am kinda kicking myself for not following my gut and for letting an O get away.

Again another Month has past.....

Pre-Consultation thoughts

So, the count down begins. three and a half hours before I go back to the RE to discuss the million and one test that I've been through in the last two months. This past weekend I checked my BabyZone calendar and I was right dab in the middle of my ovulation time. Unfortunately it was just a couple days post HSG and I was a weee bit uncomfortable still. So even though I was planning in my head to seduce Hubby after we put Bug to bed, the time came down to do it and I was like....ahh no. Yesterday and today the whole CM thing is happening and I am like...missed that boat. Another month come and gone. I don't know what to expect with todays visit. I am anxious for the next step in this process. Hubby told me that we can't start trying anything until I get a new job. WTH. It's been how long since we have been trying. How long since I have been wanting for baby number 2. There is no guarantee that we will get pregnant right away. It may take months to become successful with a BFP. So I could possibly have a job by then. Hubby's big thing is that no one will want to hire a pregnant lady. Especially one that will be high risk. I hear him, but I'm done waiting. So not only do I not know what the RE will say to us in terms of complete dx vs. the tid bits we have been getting via each visit and test to piece together for our own dx theory. I don't know what Hubby is thinking in regards to next step. We briefly talked about it, but I got so angry that I walked away. Probably not the healthiest tactic, but it was so abrupt. This process is part of my daily thinking, it never occurred to me to put a hold on everything because I was let go of my job. I thought maybe (even though I miss my job) it was a blessing because now when the RE scheduled appointments I could go with what they had for immediate openings instead of trying to fit appointments into my work schedule.

I'll let you know what happens...

Saturday, March 7, 2009

world wind of thoughts after HSG

SO I had my HSG this morning. Fun times. There is no sign of a right side to my uterus. Nothing. A comparison needs to be done between the hystosonogram and the HSG pics, but the doc. is pretty sure I only have half a uterus. He even brought out a small text book and said, look there is your uterus. The pictures were exactly the same. I am suppose to have a consultation regarding the results on March 24th. But I called my RE and said I wanted one sooner. When I got home from my appt. the RE office called and my appt. has been changed to this coming Monday. YEAH. Finally I will have answers. Enough testing. Give me answers and the next step. Also just as I was walking through the door the RE office called and my nurse, also like my fertility social worker, had more results to my blood work and stated that there is a mutation in my blood. She wants to start me on Foltx and 81 ml of baby aspirin in addition to the prenatal that I take. Big sigh. What now. Not sure how I feel. A little excited that I am getting somewhere but a lot apprehensive that with each test more questions arise. I'm trying to understand all the medical terminology as well as visuals of my insides. Again more questions. Can I have a baby. I know I can because I have my DS. But it's been five years and too many loses since. How could I have had him naturally if its been so difficult now. The doc said I have less then a 50% chance of becoming pregnant on my own (he isn't my OB or RE, but someone doing the test for my OB). He is just looking at what he sees. Not the whole picture. I want the whole picture. I want answers. I want a baby in my arms. Again the thoughts are running through my head. No right side. Half of a uterus. Blood mutation. chances of a live baby? over and over. These phrases repeat themselves. Do I do IUI or IVF and get pregnant with multiples, can I carry twins? Can I carry a singleton? The chances are since I had one, then my uterus has stretched. I read about all the ladies on yahoo/UU. I hear the success. But can my body do it? How did I get pregnant the first time I didn't have protected sex, when we have been trying so hard over and over and I can't become pregnant. I can't stay pregnant. I don't know. I just don't know what I am suppose to think and feel right now. I daydream of being pregnant. About holding my new baby. Smelling. hearing. touching. Will it ever happen? where do I go from here. How do I wait. Waiting and waiting. I just want right now. I don't want to wait anymore. I want answers. I want progress. I want to feel my baby grow inside. I want to hear my baby cry. Hold my baby. Welcome my baby to our family and this world. I try to not obsess about it. I try to stay calm and go with the flow, but with each test I get more anxious. Another day goes by, another week, another month. I don't want another year to go by.