Mommy to Bug and wanting Bean

Here I am wishing against wishes to have a second child. I feel so guilty that I want another so badly when there are many of you that wish for just one. I love my son. I love him with every breath I breathe. I couldn't imagine my world without Bug in it. And knowing now what I know about my body, makes me love him that much more and to cherish him more then I thought I ever could. Am I being selfish to want more. Just one. I want him to be the big brother. With Bug turning five this month he would be. I hope that they would be close, even in the distance in age.

I have four siblings. Even a twin brother. We are not a close family. We do holidays and random get togethers, but really we aren't close. One brother is in Guam, Air Force, and I could probably count the number of times I have seen him as an adult on both hands. I could count the times I talk to him over the phone in a single year on one hand. The others live an hour or more away. I know that if we lived closer my twin and I would be closer, but it's just not the way it is. He has his life and I have mine. My Mom was the glue that held us all together. When she died three years ago things just changed. For a while we all talked and kept in constant contact. But not so much anymore. Bug loves his cousins. He is right in the middle age wise. He misses them and talks about them. I wish we lived closer...but we don't.

I hope that Bug and Bean are close. I can't wait to see Bug with Bean. Bug talks about being a big brother. He asks me all the time when we will have a baby. I wish I had the answer. I tell him that we are waiting for God to tell us when the right time is. He is OK with that. Honestly, I am not. I'm ready God. Give me our Bean.