Saturday, March 7, 2009

world wind of thoughts after HSG

SO I had my HSG this morning. Fun times. There is no sign of a right side to my uterus. Nothing. A comparison needs to be done between the hystosonogram and the HSG pics, but the doc. is pretty sure I only have half a uterus. He even brought out a small text book and said, look there is your uterus. The pictures were exactly the same. I am suppose to have a consultation regarding the results on March 24th. But I called my RE and said I wanted one sooner. When I got home from my appt. the RE office called and my appt. has been changed to this coming Monday. YEAH. Finally I will have answers. Enough testing. Give me answers and the next step. Also just as I was walking through the door the RE office called and my nurse, also like my fertility social worker, had more results to my blood work and stated that there is a mutation in my blood. She wants to start me on Foltx and 81 ml of baby aspirin in addition to the prenatal that I take. Big sigh. What now. Not sure how I feel. A little excited that I am getting somewhere but a lot apprehensive that with each test more questions arise. I'm trying to understand all the medical terminology as well as visuals of my insides. Again more questions. Can I have a baby. I know I can because I have my DS. But it's been five years and too many loses since. How could I have had him naturally if its been so difficult now. The doc said I have less then a 50% chance of becoming pregnant on my own (he isn't my OB or RE, but someone doing the test for my OB). He is just looking at what he sees. Not the whole picture. I want the whole picture. I want answers. I want a baby in my arms. Again the thoughts are running through my head. No right side. Half of a uterus. Blood mutation. chances of a live baby? over and over. These phrases repeat themselves. Do I do IUI or IVF and get pregnant with multiples, can I carry twins? Can I carry a singleton? The chances are since I had one, then my uterus has stretched. I read about all the ladies on yahoo/UU. I hear the success. But can my body do it? How did I get pregnant the first time I didn't have protected sex, when we have been trying so hard over and over and I can't become pregnant. I can't stay pregnant. I don't know. I just don't know what I am suppose to think and feel right now. I daydream of being pregnant. About holding my new baby. Smelling. hearing. touching. Will it ever happen? where do I go from here. How do I wait. Waiting and waiting. I just want right now. I don't want to wait anymore. I want answers. I want progress. I want to feel my baby grow inside. I want to hear my baby cry. Hold my baby. Welcome my baby to our family and this world. I try to not obsess about it. I try to stay calm and go with the flow, but with each test I get more anxious. Another day goes by, another week, another month. I don't want another year to go by.

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