Sunday, May 31, 2009

movies with Bug and snow caps

Went to see UP yesterday. Cute movie. but what I wanted to mention was, Bug picked "snow caps" for his treat. Now if anyone has ever had snow caps about ten years ago they would know snow caps were about the size of your thumb nail. I was shocked. seriously shocked that the snow caps of today are half the size of your pinky nail. WTH. shocking. LOL

Bug loved the movie. It was truly sweet. the funniest part of the movie for me was when hubby fell asleep. He was sitting on one side, Bug and MIL on the other side. two rows in front of us was a couple with their two young children in between them. About the time Hubby fell asleep I noticed Dad two rows down also had fallen asleep. about twenty minutes later the little boy said, "Daddy wake up. watch the movie." that woke my hubby up thinking Bug said it. But it was pretty funny.


I'm crawling out of my skin. every little thing is bugging me. I dont feel normal. I have no patience and I feel like either crying or screaming. Probably both at the same time. Great. Fun times.

Friday, May 29, 2009

I was tagged.

(I would tag you if I knew how...but since I dont and dont have the energy to figure it out, as I probably would...I'm just going to go with it....)

8 Things I Am Looking Forward To:
1. feeling better
2. weekend with my boys
3. sleeping in
4. Bug's preschool graduation
5. glass of pepsi
6. telling Bug about being a big brother
7. warmer days
8. fixing our bed (stupidest thing ever)

8 Things I Did Yesterday:
1. went to OB
2. read
3. napped
4. cleaned
5. started a fire (it's almost June, it shouldnt be that cold!)
6. taxied Bug to and from Preschool
7. laughed
8. flipped out over two bites of grilled cheese (hormones)

8 Things I Wish I Could Do:
1. visit family
2. talk to my Mom
3. fast forward to December
4. take a hot soaking bath
5. lose weight
6. make Bug feel better (allergies, cold not sure which one)
7. work
8. have engery

8 Shows I Watch:
1. L&O
2. Grey's
4. Clean this house
5. Survivor
6. Biggest Loser
7. L&O SVU
8. Ghost Whisper

8 Favorite Fruits:
1. watermelon
2. strawberries
3. peaches (from a can, no fuzzy)
4. apples
5. blackberries
6. green grapes
7. raspberries
8. Kiwi

8 Places I'd Like to Travel:
1. Australia
2. Ireland
3. Guam (brother is stationed there)
4. FL
5. any tropical island
6. NYC
7. Italy
8. CA

Places I've Lived:
1. Coastal maine
2. Eastern Maine
3. Southern Maine
4. down east Maine
5. Mid Coast Maine

quick drop in

Saw the baby move today. It was amazing. I have a pic and you can see it's little foot.


Thursday, May 28, 2009

It was just a dream

Another sleepless night.

I wake up at I dont know when from a dream that I have had before but in a different variety. This time I am not just spotting, but my panties are saturated with bright red blood.

My eyes are now open. I lay awake for hours knowing it's a dream. just a dream. My baby is ok. Do I have to endure this for the next seven months. The innocence of a worry free pregnancy gone in the wind from the beginning.

It's been a long nine weeks. Only 31 weeks to go. Maybe the Baby will let me eat today.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009


good gosh. I am so moody right now. I dont know what to do. I want to cry. shout. cry some more.

I feel like crap. damn morning sickness. all day - everyday, everyday. I dont want to eat. I think that makes it worse. But I can't eat. ugh.

I want my hubby home. wish he didnt have to work. one of us does. but I feel so much better when he is home. Just home. he doesn't have to do anything special. Just be here.

I wish I could cry.

Monday, May 25, 2009


I didnt realize I have allergies. But my eyes are dry and itchy, my nose runs. it's miserable. I didn't know I had allergies. So what do I do about it. What meds can I take? Dr. call tomorrow. this sucks.

Bug has allergies. I knew he had allergies to some fruit. Like his dad. he just hasn't had environmental allergies up until now. that has changed. He can't stop sneezing and coughing. He had his yearly physical last week and he was referred to an allergist. it will be good to find out all of what he is allergic to and how to treat it.

Hubby has severe allergies. He had such an allergic reaction the day I mowed. He was stacking wood. And all of a sudden his eyes turned blood red and he started to wheeze. I was fearful his throat would close up. I've never in my nine years seen him have an allergy attack like that. But he is ok. His allergies are definitely worse this year then it has been in forever.

So we have had a good outdoors weekend. But man the pollen is killing all three of us.

sleeping in! long weekend.

Bug has been getting up at the butt crack of dawn. He settles on the couch with a sippy cup of OJ and Tom and Jerry and I go back to bed. I've slept in until 9:30, 10:30 and 8:15 this weekend. I likey. this morning I heard on the baby monitor (my bedroom is upstairs, Bugs is downstairs. baby monitor is awesome) Anyways. i heard this morning on the baby monitor that Bug woke Grana up instead of Hubby and I. I drifted back to sleep and when I woke up I noticed our door had been shut. Ahhhh. I live sleeping in.

Saturday was super productive with me mowing the lawn. front and back. (I'm so proud of myself)Hubby stacked wood until he had a major allergy attack (probably from me mowing). Bug had fun playing with the neighbor kids. They bounced back and forth from our yard to theirs. (they have a girl two weeks younger then Bug).

Yesterday we went to the most laid back wedding/bbq ever. Hubby's best friend from college renewed vows (after JP married them a few months ago)Bug had fun playing with the other kids. Our college group of friends were there. it was great to see everyone in one spot. One couple live way out of state and last saw bug when he was an infant. everyone was in awe of how well behaved he is. One guy (science nerd with no experience with kids) said "he is well adjusted." we cracked up. teasing him for his terminology. We told everyone that we are expecting. That was exciting. Big hugs at the end of the day made me want to scream in pain as I though my boobies would pop. It was a fun day.

today lazy morning. then Family BBQ cause Hubby's cousin is here from Arizona. I'm really looking forward to that. I love Hubby's father's side of the family. they are great fun.

I'm off. enjoy the last day of the long weekend.

Friday, May 22, 2009

good times

OK reading previous post I said I had a Rogaine shot...ummm no I dont need more hair. what I meant to write was RhoGAM. Nice shot in the ass. fun times. No spotting for two days.

I had my U/S today. Perfect. Everything is perfect. Bean is growing from 11 mm to 19 mm. yeah. There was such a significant growth. I could see the head and bottom. Totally cute.

The OB appointment yesterday went really well. I got some great B6 vitamin lollipops (B-natal). I had one at the office and I went from green to functioning. It was amazing. She also gave me a lovely prescription for nauseous. (Ondansetron) and I was able to eat a crab meat roll for dinner. Nice.

I didnt nap at all yesterday. Go me. Really this is big as I was down for the count all week. I got a lot done.

thank you all for your thoughts and prayers sent this way. I was so scared. As my friend S said, living week by week.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

nurse said no worries....riiiiight

So I called the RE clinic. My nurse there said not to worry. My u/s have been perfect up to now. Wait until tomorrow and see how the baby is doing. Do give OB a call and let them know what is going on. May have something to do with the YI.

so called OB office, left a message for nurse Sara who helped me before with YI questions. No spotting today. But again last night. It comes and goes. trying not to freak out

I'm told spotting is normal...but what is normal in a body where nothing is normal. I dont ever remember spotting with Bug. I did have a YI with him in second trimester.

it's ten o'clock and I am not itching to go lay down yet. that is good. I do need to find something to eat which usually is my trigger for feeling like shit. fun times.

I want to be at the part of the pregnancy where I can enjoy it. Is there such a place for us IFers.

***** ADD********

So my OB finally called me back. I am RH- she says and with any bleeding I need a Rogaine shot. This helps prevent the baby --if (s)he is RH+ from being rejected by my body. I am so glad she called me back. Plus they are going to potentially prescription for nausea. Praise God. I am done with this hung over feeling. I dont drink. I dont want to feel like I am.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

ick with spots.

I felt like crap all day yesterday. Sleeping most of the day. I spotted again in the evening.

I am hesitant to call the RE cause if I am losing the baby there is nothing they can do. I will just wait for Friday's u/s. denial best thing.

No spotting today so far. still feel ick. I want to skip this part and just hold my baby.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

oh no

I had a cute little blog written in my head about yesterday....that is out the window....

I have a yeast infection. Nurse said do over the counter blah I did it last night.

I got up this morning. went to the bathroom. wiped. freaked out...spotting.

I'm trying to tell myself that this is normal. I'm not gushing blood. just spotting.

I'm still really nervous.


Sunday, May 17, 2009

quick funny

I have had horrible gas. Deadly. lol.

I was putting Bug to bed last night and we were cuddled on his bed reading a story. I had two incidents of passing gas, I excused myself and kept reading.

I looked down at Bug and noticed he had been pinching his nose while listening to the story.

I chuckled and asked him what was wrong. He said, "you stink mommy. go to the potty." he then kicked me out of his room because I stunk too much.

He wouldnt even let me kiss him good night. he groaned and turned away.

I laughed as I left his room and sent his grandmother in to finish the story.

Friday, May 15, 2009

good day. Great day.

So, I had a really good day. starting at 5:25 AM. (that wasnt so great, i am going to have to have a talk with Bug about that) But I had an u/s. (UU and MTHFR not in account) official due date is Dec. 29th. Cutting it close to the end of 2009. But I'm going to have my baby this year.

I had the job interview today. Case Management for adults with mental illness. I was so indifferent. Scared that I would get it, scared that I wouldn't. But I ROCKED IT!!! the guy told me so. he said I interviewed really well. That was cool. I had to call the university to make sure my degree qualifies me for some stupid Maine certification. I called but no one answered. We shall see. I think that certification will be the only thing holding me back. Like I said I rocked it.

I really want it. I really do. I can't say that about other jobs I have applied for or interviewed for.

Please God. Let this be it. Let something work out for me. I need a break. make it happen. amen.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Life goes on, can I drag a toilet with me

Bug is home. MIL picked him up from preschool for me so I could sleep. All I want to do is sleep. I'm so tired.

I just took a shower, shaved my legs and pits. Getting ready for tomorrow's interview. I wont have time to shave in the morning.

I found a dress with a nice modern thingy that goes over it to minimize my belly.

Not that it's big from baby, but from when I stopped working out. Almost all my weight is in my belly. I look pregnant. I'm one of those woman you want to congratulate for their baby bump. But you aren't really sure.

I am nervous about the interview. Not really the interview part. I know my stuff. But it's at two in the afternoon and that is when I start to get nauseous.

Like right now. I dont feel good at all. But I have to take Bug to choir. I'm so miserable. It's like having the flu for weeks on end. Good golly. I feel like I have been on a boat and I cant get over the motion sickness.

Any hints. normal stuff isn't working. I have GERD so lemon is out. ginger is out. saltines dont help. I feel like vomitting just thinking about food.

Good times.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

crazy busy

I can't believe how busy it has been. Bug has a social schedule that would rival any teenage girl. T-ball, church choir musical, and prep for preschool graduation. there are even events that over lap and we need to pick which ones to go to which day.

I have a crazy busy day on Friday. U/S first thing in the morning. Then an interview for a job. A job. what is that. I'm nervous, but it will be good if I get it. I dont do well with self motivation at home. I need a schedule of a job to help with staying on top of things at home. Pathetic I know. But there so so much time. I'm like I can do it later. Later comes and I dont do it.

so that is a little bit of what is going on. sorry it so lame. Not much is going on. Just being Mom and a taxi. I love this part of being a mom. seeing Bug grow into a little boy. with activities.

OMG. Did I mention we signed him up for kindergarten on Monday. It was crazy. Cool thing though is that there will be two kids from church choir and our next door neighbor will be in his class. Totally cool. I also learned that he will be picked up at the house instead of the bus stop for the first year. That excites me.

Monday, May 11, 2009

But I like Lobster

I love Lobster. My grandfather was a lobster fisherman.

When I was pregnant with Bug we had gone to a five star restaurant, only one in the state (I know I live in boonies) Our meal was over a hundred dollars. So yummy. I had the lobster only to jump up from my chair, book it to the bathroom to lose it.

I returned to the table to finish my meal. This wasn't a restaurant that we go to everyday.or been to before or since. I wasn't going to miss out on the experience. I made several trips to the bathroom until we finally took our desert to go and went back to the cottage we rented.

the fisherman's granddaughter. What a cruel joke. I was pregnant and I couldn't eat lobster or seafood in general.

Now to the present time. We had all you can eat lobster at the mother's day lunch yesterday. I was excited. Like I said, I love lobster.

What do you know. I started to get sick after my second bite. I had two full lobster rolls on my plate and access to more if I wanted. I felt my face go green. I handed my plate to hubby who was sitting next to me and was like...ugh. not again. LOL

So my mother's day started Saturday night during a huge melt down. We were watching a show and the wife was terminal. At the end I just broke down. Boy did I need it.

I've been in such a slump lately. My depression has been in full throttle lately. I feel like I am wasting my life while others dont have much time. I feel guilty. My Hubby deserves better. We talked for a long time. I cried and cried,. I needed it. It was cleansing.

For mother's day Hubby gave me the best present. It was a beautiful six 5x7 picture frame and in it he put pictures of Bug with my Mom. Bug as a baby wearing my mom's glasses, bug and me when he got his first hair cut, bug and me at disney and of us puddle hopping together last month. I love it. It was perfect. I dont know how hubby was able to pick the perfect pictures but he did.

Then I was able to sleep in as late as I could yesterday. I got up just in time to jump in the shower and go to church. Hubby had already bathed and dressed Bug. Church was great. It really was a good sermon. Then we went to MIL mother's camp. Number one snob aunt and uncle weren't there. YES. It was actually fun. I slept on the way home. got home and barely made it to bed where I continued my nap. Woke up to put Bug to bed. Wrestled a little bit and read stories.

It was a wonderful day. All except for my tummy betraying me with the Lobster. I could have done without that. LOL.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

It was my day.

I had a good day.

I will write more tomorrow.

I am exhausted.

But I have had such negative post lately that I needed to express to everyone that I had a great day.


Saturday, May 9, 2009

Not my Mother's day.

tomorrow is Mother's day. Not a great day for me as I miss my Mom terribly.

So I think. hey I am a Mom. I have one live son, two angel babies and a little one on the way. So I think that qualifies me as a Mommy. so tomorrow is my day too right. Riiiiight.

I have to appease my MIL. We are going to church as usual. No sleeping in for me. No silly breakfast in bed. So I get up, go to church. Because we have a new Pastor and MIL wants us there to hear her first official sermon. that is what MIL wants for Mother's day. After church instead of going home and chilling with my son and husband for MY day. I am going to my MIL family camp.

Not fun. My MIL's siblings are stuck up. difficult to be around. I hate making nice. just because it's mother's day and my MIL mother is back from her winter stay in FL. We HAVE to be there. Hubby doesn't even want to go.

Why do i have to make other people happy, when I am not happy myself.

When do I get my day.

Nothing better

There is nothing better then listening to Bug laugh. Except making him laugh myself.

So I watched Ghost Whisperer last night. Melinda is suppose to be 9 weeks pregnant. But they have her in cutesy maternity clothes and she is looking to be four or five months pregnant. It almost takes the fun out of watching the show. I just keep staring at her belly. I keep telling myself that she is wearing a fake baby bump. I dont know why it bothers me so much. It just does.

I havent had much of an appetite lately. But I can't seem to get enough ice cold water.

I wish I had more to talk about. I'm just kinda existing right now. There is so much I need to do. But I just dont have it in me to do it.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

2nd post today. heart beat and more

i just got back from my ultrasound. The baby's heart beat is 113. yeah. At first she couldn't find the sweet thing. the implant is high up and tight to the wall. too close for accurate size measurements.

Scared me for a moment. I dont know if it's just a reaction to my mood, but I wasn't overly excited. I was so scared. I had this big sigh of relief where I was holding my breath and then I could breath again. but I wasnt jumping for joy. I guess I am in a mood.

I dont know if it's because mother's day is this weekend or if it's the rain or due to my continuous jobless state or just because I feel like crap. I dont know. My MIL is driving me nuts. I go in cycles with getting along with her. Right now she is driving me nuts.

It could be and usually is the case that I am resentful that she is here and my mom is not. I love her. I do. Sometimes there is just too much of her. Kinda hard to avoid when she lives with us. She is constantly mothering me. telling me how to do things or questioning what I do. FN drives me nuts. I'm a grown woman.

I've been snappy towards her. pretty mean. I get that way sometimes and I hate it. I just become so hurtful and I dont know how to stop it. My sharp tongue. I feel like I am constantly apologizing to her.

Bug woke up again last night. Bad dream that he couldnt remember. I'm such a light sleeping I was down there with the first whimper. today MIL stated she should start sleeping with her door open (her room is next to Bugs). I was like. Nah you dont need to do that. What I wanted to tell her was. he is my son. I'll tend him. She is only trying to be helpful.

I wish I could just be happy. I have no idea what is causing the unhappiness. this should be a happy time. WTH. why can't I be happy.


I have no idea what is going on. I am dreading mother's day. I miss my mom so much. It's like the world is shoving it in my face that I no longer have a mom.

Nothing really special happens for me. Hubby usually waits for the last minute to do anything holiday related. Doesn't seem thought out or genuine. bug usually has nothing to do with it. Which is kinda the purpose. A drawing or song from him...

I totally flipped out yesterday. I have the big ultra sound today where I hear the baby's heart beat. Yet again, hubby can't make it. I feel like he hasn't been to hardly any of my appointments. Not the major ones. the really emotional ones. Where is my support. I was nasty. I tried not to make him feel bad about having to work. telling him I was mad at the situation. But it just didn't workout. He couldnt stop pushing. I was like. i dont want to talk. We said some mean things (maybe it was me saying them) and then hubby came back into the room and said he was going to surprise me and meet me there. Sweet thought...But I was so mad I couldnt respond.

I've been saying forever how much I want him to come to the appointments. not all, but the big ones. I've been grumpy and upset. Why couldnt he just say he was coming. Not let me get more upset. Day after day. He says I just got upset last night. which is true. the emotions came out last night. But I have been saying over and over I want him there. Can't he get out of work for just a half hour, forty min. he does it all the time for basketball. His response was, do you want me to lose my job...I felt punched in the gut. That is all we need two of us out of work.

I feel alone in this journey. Half the time it doesn't seem real.

I miss my mom. I wish she was here to talk to. To be part of this. I love my MIL. she is super supportive and it breaks my heart that she isn't enough. I just really want my Mommy.

I'm super emotional...tired. Tired of everything. It's just as emotional as it is physical. I feel so alone. Going through the motions.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Home again Home again Jiggidy Jog

I'm home. It's been a busy few days.

Bug had a blast playing with his cousins, aunts and uncles and of course grandpa and Bon Bon. We went and visited one of my really great friends and her two kids. We had a bbq one night and a night of pizza with all my siblings. It was fun.

I got to tell my siblings we were expecting. It was nice.

I'm home now...

I searched for hours for a job. Applied to a few. I started cleaning out the den which is going to be half/den half nursery. I killed an ant nest. three loads of laundry. Softball was last night (meaning hubby wasn't home till after Bug was in bed.)Picked up Bug from preschool with snack and juice in car. T-ball practice. Home with Bug helping Grana (mil) stir noodles while I cooked on the grill for the first time this spring. bug helped set the table. We ate a great meal. I bathed Bug. stories and bed. Then hubby came home. I was exhausted.

This morning I took forever looking for the O.N 75$ off $100 coupon, Never found it. but it's still there.

more later. I'm just so tired.