Thursday, May 7, 2009

2nd post today. heart beat and more

i just got back from my ultrasound. The baby's heart beat is 113. yeah. At first she couldn't find the sweet thing. the implant is high up and tight to the wall. too close for accurate size measurements.

Scared me for a moment. I dont know if it's just a reaction to my mood, but I wasn't overly excited. I was so scared. I had this big sigh of relief where I was holding my breath and then I could breath again. but I wasnt jumping for joy. I guess I am in a mood.

I dont know if it's because mother's day is this weekend or if it's the rain or due to my continuous jobless state or just because I feel like crap. I dont know. My MIL is driving me nuts. I go in cycles with getting along with her. Right now she is driving me nuts.

It could be and usually is the case that I am resentful that she is here and my mom is not. I love her. I do. Sometimes there is just too much of her. Kinda hard to avoid when she lives with us. She is constantly mothering me. telling me how to do things or questioning what I do. FN drives me nuts. I'm a grown woman.

I've been snappy towards her. pretty mean. I get that way sometimes and I hate it. I just become so hurtful and I dont know how to stop it. My sharp tongue. I feel like I am constantly apologizing to her.

Bug woke up again last night. Bad dream that he couldnt remember. I'm such a light sleeping I was down there with the first whimper. today MIL stated she should start sleeping with her door open (her room is next to Bugs). I was like. Nah you dont need to do that. What I wanted to tell her was. he is my son. I'll tend him. She is only trying to be helpful.

I wish I could just be happy. I have no idea what is causing the unhappiness. this should be a happy time. WTH. why can't I be happy.


  1. Congrats on finding a heartbeat!

    I hope you can relax and enjoy the pregnancy now.

  2. I don't know about you, but I've realized in my life that circumstances don't determine my 'happiness' level. This pregnancy hasn't made me a happier person but maybe more hopeful. I think if we depend on circumstances to be happy, we will always be disappointed.

    I hope that you can take some time out this weekend and just have some personal time and rest:-) You deserve a break... Hugs to you! Our first heartbeat was 113 as well:-)

  3. It's the hormones. Those pesky bastards.

    I'm SO glad you saw a heartbeat today. Whoo hoo!

  4. Woot!! I'm guessing boy! Sorry about MIL stuff, i'm sure she has the best intentions, but i would be driven nuts pretty quickly with my MIL and i adore her. :)