emotions

I have no idea what is going on. I am dreading mother's day. I miss my mom so much. It's like the world is shoving it in my face that I no longer have a mom.

Nothing really special happens for me. Hubby usually waits for the last minute to do anything holiday related. Doesn't seem thought out or genuine. bug usually has nothing to do with it. Which is kinda the purpose. A drawing or song from him...

I totally flipped out yesterday. I have the big ultra sound today where I hear the baby's heart beat. Yet again, hubby can't make it. I feel like he hasn't been to hardly any of my appointments. Not the major ones. the really emotional ones. Where is my support. I was nasty. I tried not to make him feel bad about having to work. telling him I was mad at the situation. But it just didn't workout. He couldnt stop pushing. I was like. i dont want to talk. We said some mean things (maybe it was me saying them) and then hubby came back into the room and said he was going to surprise me and meet me there. Sweet thought...But I was so mad I couldnt respond.

I've been saying forever how much I want him to come to the appointments. not all, but the big ones. I've been grumpy and upset. Why couldnt he just say he was coming. Not let me get more upset. Day after day. He says I just got upset last night. which is true. the emotions came out last night. But I have been saying over and over I want him there. Can't he get out of work for just a half hour, forty min. he does it all the time for basketball. His response was, do you want me to lose my job...I felt punched in the gut. That is all we need two of us out of work.

I feel alone in this journey. Half the time it doesn't seem real.

I miss my mom. I wish she was here to talk to. To be part of this. I love my MIL. she is super supportive and it breaks my heart that she isn't enough. I just really want my Mommy.

I'm super emotional...tired. Tired of everything. It's just as emotional as it is physical. I feel so alone. Going through the motions.