hormones....

Hormones are a good enough thing to blame my mood on lately. What will happen after the baby comes and I still feel like shit mentally. Can't really blame it on hormones then. I've probably mentioned it in the past but I suffer from depression for as long as I can remember as well as anxiety attacks.

Although the anxiety is mild these days I still have trouble leaving the house. I now can go to the store or to appointments as needed. But to socialize or even drive the distance to my home town it's difficult. Especially now since my mom has passed. Where I used to feel welcome anytime at my parent's house -- now with Dad's wonderful live in gf. I feel like I am imposing. she likes the house to be perfect. My mom didn't care as long as you picked up before you left.

I've been needing to get out of here and naturally I wanted to go "home". Dad was busy on Sunday, but didn't even offer to have me come friday night or saturday. just said he was busy on Sunday. GF didnt step up and say, hey I will be home. How about you come anyways....Where my dad always had time for me, now I feel like I take a back seat.

My relationship with my husband can carry me only so far. I miss my Mom. My best friend. Here I am getting all teary eyed thinking of her. (I've been crying all day) This pregnancy has been so difficult. Not in terms of what is happening, but in terms of this needs to be watched and that needs to be watched and Mom wasn't around for any of my loses either. She was with me every step of the way with Bug. Missing the birth by mere minutes. She was suppose to be in with us, but it all happened so fast. She didn't have a chance to get there in time. But that was ok. Now I just simply miss sharing things with her. Hearing her voice...hugs. sitting in comfortable silence, shopping, driving around. visiting.

With my depression I have a difficult time with self-esteem and maintaining friendships. It's hard to go to someone's house without having an anxiety attack. I have no life so it's hard to maintain a conversation. Non of my "friends" have children so it's hard to relate with them. I have been out of work for almost nine months and have no adult conversation. Hubby says this is my fault. I dont nourish relationships..true, it's difficult for me. I always feel like a burden and my moods are so unpredictable as is my anxiety, it's hard to plan ahead.

I recent hubby for his softball, guys night out, constant chatter on facebook, on the phone, for his basketball league, dodge ball, and even for working and outings he has work related. Only my dad and sister call me. And that is just because it's written in the rule book that they "have" to.

I only go to dr. appt., to and from preschool, practices. I feel like my job is to take care of Bug and have no adult conversations.


Tears are streaming down my face...MIL is staring at me...I dont feel like talking to her. I recent her for not being my Mom and for stepping into my life (i.e. bedroom door shut, crying, talking to hubby, she knocks to ask if she can turn the AC on in the baby's room...come on, she can't decide that for herself) No privacy. So I can feel her eyes on me. I will cut this short as I am too upset to continue anyways...I need privacy. I need a friend. I need to get out.

I just need.....