Saturday, August 22, 2009


Hormones are a good enough thing to blame my mood on lately. What will happen after the baby comes and I still feel like shit mentally. Can't really blame it on hormones then. I've probably mentioned it in the past but I suffer from depression for as long as I can remember as well as anxiety attacks.

Although the anxiety is mild these days I still have trouble leaving the house. I now can go to the store or to appointments as needed. But to socialize or even drive the distance to my home town it's difficult. Especially now since my mom has passed. Where I used to feel welcome anytime at my parent's house -- now with Dad's wonderful live in gf. I feel like I am imposing. she likes the house to be perfect. My mom didn't care as long as you picked up before you left.

I've been needing to get out of here and naturally I wanted to go "home". Dad was busy on Sunday, but didn't even offer to have me come friday night or saturday. just said he was busy on Sunday. GF didnt step up and say, hey I will be home. How about you come anyways....Where my dad always had time for me, now I feel like I take a back seat.

My relationship with my husband can carry me only so far. I miss my Mom. My best friend. Here I am getting all teary eyed thinking of her. (I've been crying all day) This pregnancy has been so difficult. Not in terms of what is happening, but in terms of this needs to be watched and that needs to be watched and Mom wasn't around for any of my loses either. She was with me every step of the way with Bug. Missing the birth by mere minutes. She was suppose to be in with us, but it all happened so fast. She didn't have a chance to get there in time. But that was ok. Now I just simply miss sharing things with her. Hearing her voice...hugs. sitting in comfortable silence, shopping, driving around. visiting.

With my depression I have a difficult time with self-esteem and maintaining friendships. It's hard to go to someone's house without having an anxiety attack. I have no life so it's hard to maintain a conversation. Non of my "friends" have children so it's hard to relate with them. I have been out of work for almost nine months and have no adult conversation. Hubby says this is my fault. I dont nourish relationships..true, it's difficult for me. I always feel like a burden and my moods are so unpredictable as is my anxiety, it's hard to plan ahead.

I recent hubby for his softball, guys night out, constant chatter on facebook, on the phone, for his basketball league, dodge ball, and even for working and outings he has work related. Only my dad and sister call me. And that is just because it's written in the rule book that they "have" to.

I only go to dr. appt., to and from preschool, practices. I feel like my job is to take care of Bug and have no adult conversations.

Tears are streaming down my face...MIL is staring at me...I dont feel like talking to her. I recent her for not being my Mom and for stepping into my life (i.e. bedroom door shut, crying, talking to hubby, she knocks to ask if she can turn the AC on in the baby's room...come on, she can't decide that for herself) No privacy. So I can feel her eyes on me. I will cut this short as I am too upset to continue anyways...I need privacy. I need a friend. I need to get out.

I just need.....


  1. ((Super Hugs))
    I know how you feel. I am so nervous about being pregnant. I do not want to lose this baby and I pray constantly about it. No one around me understands what I am going threw. I have not told many people that I am pregnant yet.Boober does not know yet. If you ever need to talk just send me an e-mail with your number and we can talk. I have been following your blog for a while now and feel like I know you. If you want my number just message me and I will be HAPPY to give it to you.
    I hope you feel better just know we care. I am here for you any time you need me. :)
    ((SUPER HUGS))

  2. ((HUGS))

    I can relate to a lot of what you're saying, but I don't think it's your fault. It's hard to find people that you really connect with, and when you have those amazing relationships (your Mom) not just anyone else can come close to that.

    I rarely have adult conversations either especially since my DH works all the f*cking time. Being around a 2 year old all day doesn't really stimulate my brain.

    I'm sorry that your mom isn't physically there, but I'm sure she's there with you watching over you.

    I hope your MIL backs off a little, that has to be a tough situation to live with every single day. I like alone time. gah.


    Cheer up, pretty soon you're going to have an amazing little girl smiling her FIRST smiles TO YOU, JUST YOU ;)

  3. yes I am... email me at and I will give you the information...

    Jennifer, are you on facebook?

    thanks guys for teh kind words. I have been such a wreck lately.

  4. Many many hugs to you. I'm sorry you're feeling so down.

    Do you have a plan in place in case post-natal (or post-partum to you I guess!) depression hits?

    I found after TTG was born that homeopathic remedies worked for depression way more than antidepressants ever did.

  5. I've said it before, but I think that you and I are cut from the same cloth. Literally. I have the same anxiety and depression issues. Scott never understands why I have anxiety attacks when we go to peoples houses and honestly, I don't know why either. When I wasn't pregnant I would take a xanax or have a beer in social situations that made me nervous but now, of course, that is not an option.

    You aren't alone. I'll email you my phone number if you want to talk. I'm always home too:)

  6. yeppers I am on facebook. I will send you an e-mail with my facebook info :)

  7. hey... i'm so sorry you are sad right now. losing your mom must have been so difficult... i can't even imagine. i, like you, consider my mom my very best friend and she has been there with me through this first pregnancy. it just pains my heart to think about losing her (there have been a few close calls) and it pains my heart even more right now to think about the hurt that is in your heart from the loss of your momma. there are no words that i can say to fix things but just know that i am Praying for you and Praying that things will work out to where you won't be lonely. God bless you dear friend and if you need anything just shoot me an email!

  8. I'm sorry you're having such a tough time right now. It must be especially difficult without your mom.

    I know when I was going through a similar rough time I began to make friends with the mothers of my son's playmates. I was amazed to discover that there were several gals experiencing many of the same feelings I was. It was hard to break the ice (it doesn't come easy to me) but once I did I found some good support. And I gave support, too, which also made me feel better.

    With your history of depression, it's a great idea to work up a plan for dealing with depression after the baby arrives. Talk with your doc about it and set up a game plan before you deliver. It should help a lot.