Tuesday, September 22, 2009

what's up: Habits

I have this annoying habit. When I am stressed or anxious I dig the side of my thumb with my index finger. Half the time I dont realize I am stressed or anxious until I wake up in the morning with a deep cut like sliver on my thumb.

That is where I am at. digging at my thumb. Dumb..but true. I'm 26 wks today. One week away from the time I went into Preterm with Bug. I am thinking that he stretched my uterus to the point that my Hannah-Girl will go longer, but at the same time I am so damn uncomfortable.

It's harder to get up. Harder to move around. I have to piss all the time and when I am not I am holding it in which is uncomfortable, but it's such a process to go to the bathroom for just a dribble that it annoys me. So I hold it until a good pee builds up.

I am on meds now for my GD. haven't quite eaten well these past four days. cause I am sleeping/napping to get past this depression I am in. I am just so tired. I dont know if it's my GD that is making me tired, being this pregnant, not sleeping at night, or the depression.

All I want to do is eat shit and smoke. Brilliant right. Of course those coping skills are not an option. Leaving me more down in the mouth. But I can't even sleep cause of having to take damn sugars. I cant take a bath cause I like them boiling hot and well, I can't do that cause of the baby.

Now I feel like a heel cause I'm bitching...I'm always bitching. and I am pregnant, when so many wonderful ladies out there arent.

But, man. I am depressed. I can't even get my act in gear to work on Hannah's room. get ready for her arrival. I have nothing for her. some clothes and a crib that needs to be put together that was Bugs. WTH. why is this pregnancy so different from Bug's emotionally. I was on top of the world. I am not saying I am not thrilled beyond happiness for Hannah. I am just simply....who knows.

But my thumb hurts from being dug all day and night long. habits.


  1. With everything going on though, it seems like it would be weird if you did not feel stressed. So maybe it isn't fun but it isn't abnormal? I wonder if it is harder this time since you didn't know about the UU before or if knowing about what you went through with Bug before as a reality makes it harder this time. I don't know that, but I do know for me that while I'd rather they know about the UU and any other potential problems, it can be a lot to deal with some days.

    I have no brilliant ideas on this (wish I did!) but I am thinking of you. I'm also sending good thoughts that you'll sail by 27 weeks and beyond!

  2. ((SUPER HUGS))
    I understand what you are going through. Try to get some rest. It is hard not to be stressed. I know how hard this is. I am praying for you and little Hanna.

  3. That's what we're here for! I'm praying that she stays in there as long as she needs and that these next few weeks fly by for you.

    is there anything you really want to read? or any new cd that you might be able to zone out while listening to?

    oh man, i remember those days (the peeing all the time but not much coming out...ugh!)

    big hugs!!

    lol-even though i say the same thing "i'm tired of bitching on here" :)

  4. Thinking of you. Maybe the trauma of what you went through with Bug's pg is coming back to haunt you somewhat, in a PTSD kind of way?

  5. I agree with K77, it does sort of sound like a touch of PTSD. My flashbacks feel sort of like what you described. THe good news for me is that these feelings last for a few weeks (which are hell while I am there) and then go away. Maybe you will be the same? I don't know if that makes you feel any better, though, because it is bad now. I just want to send you a huge hug and tell you that it is okay to vent your feelings. Better out than in, right? Hugs.