crap shoot

what a crap shoot of a day. I didnt sleep well at all last night. woke up to take Bug to preschool, make lunch for Hubby. After doing some stuff around the house, laid down to take a nap. Phone rings. I dont answer it. MIL does, (she lives with us, (her health) long story) but doesnt wake me up just then. Sees me stirring, which was really movements in my sleep-- part of a good dream that I dont remember anymore. It had something to do with being really tired and cuddling with the blankets as I lay down for a nap...I was already sleeping...kinda weird. But she woke me to tell me that the agency called and to call them back.

Kinda pissed she woke me. Sometimes it is just easier to sleep the day away. I get my barrings and call them back. they want a second interview. Job is between me and another person. Monday afternoon is the second interview. Great. it will be nice to be employed but I will be working opposite shifts with hubby and miss out on Bug daily happenings. Short term I tell myself. still sucks donkey ass.

CD3 my period is usually winding down. but not so right now. first period while on meds for MTHFR. So it's gone on longer then usual. But I am amazed at the lack of clotting. Then bding and 2ww. I can't wait for the 2ww to be over. I just have a feeling... it's got to work this time...right.

My luck the egg is coming from the wrong side. Why can't I be normal. It seems everything in my life has been a struggle. I dont get it. I could list all the bad, but honestly you dont want to hear it and I dont feel like writing it. But it just feels like when things are looking up. something else comes crashing down. WTH. no really WTF

I feel so alone right now. It's gorgeous out and I would like nothing better to call up a friend and go shopping. That is what I want to do right now. But I am lacking in two areas, the friend and the money. I'm a loner. I like being around people, but not great at keeping a friendship going. My depression and anxiety disorders always get in the way. I tend to isolate myself and then feel bad when I dont have any friends. I dont feel like I am good company. I always feel like someone would rather be somewhere else or with someone else. I want that best best best friend that I had in my Mom. No one quite fits that. Most of my good friends live far away. College and back home from where I am from. I think this might be a deliberate act on my part. It's easier to maintain friendships from a distance.

I long for when my boys get home. Bug and Hubby. maybe my mood sucks because I know Hubby will be home late again for the second time this week. First was due to dodge ball. Yeah he is on an adult dodge ball team. And today he has a work social. he has a life. I on the other hand dont. It sucks. I'm my own worst company. I dont want to be alone right now.