Hannah Elaine has arrived.

So sorry it's taken me this long. I am simply exhausted. Happy as can be. But bone tired.

So here is what happened.

The amnio on thursday came back great. C/S was scheduled first thing in the morning. we had to be at the hospital at six a.m. to do pre-op stuff.

It was a hard night. I was contracting all night, but too tired to time and didn't want to go to the hospital for the fourth time to be sent home to wait for the morning. Plus I didn't know who was on call and I wanted my doc to deliver her. So I waited them out. up most of the night.

We arrived at the hospital, got settled into our room and I was hooked up for monitoring. Dang if I wasn't contracting 3-4 minutes apart consistently. luckily since I was having a c/s shortly they didn't have to check my cervix. yeah. I'm done with people messing down there. Sorry hubby you are out of luck.

The c/s went well except for me getting sick from all the pressure. I could feel everything unlike Bug. With Bug it was an emergency and I was pretty drugged up on pain meds. which sucked cause I dont remember much. With Hannah I remember everything. It was amazing.

Stats for my beautiful girl.

Hannah Elaine born 12/11/09 weighing 6 LBS 2 oz, 18 inches long.

She came out rooting right away. There was one scare later in the day when her sugars dropped to 35 (suppose to be above 50) and she was given formula instead of breast milk and recovered quickly. still scary.

she also failed her hearing test on the right side, but was told this is common with c/s and build up in the ear. they also said that they think the machine wasn't working right b/c it said she was moving but she was sound asleep during the test. so i am not suppose to worry. big sigh...riiiiight.

Today marks her one week birthday. Unbelievable.

so without further ado here she is....Hannah Elaine.

here comes HANNAH!!!

Amnio wasn't that bad today. It was worth it. Cause we found out her lungs are great.

We are having a baby tomorrow. Friday, 12/11.

Everyone is so excited. Super Duper excited.

Will update....soon.

oh my gosh I am so excited. I can't believe we made it. we made it!!!!!

Labor Stopped!!!!

OK. So on Friday I started having contractions. Ended up in Maternity on Sunday in Labor. This is what happened...It's a letter my husband wrote to my doc (who I love, but was out of town this weekend) and a couple head honchos at the hospital. Saves me from writing it all...I'll edit just enough to take out names and such....

Dr. L,

I wanted to make you aware of the experience Renee had at Hospital this weekend. Renee was having contractions on Friday, December 4th, and your office had us time them. They then determined that the contractions were too erratic and advised her to not come in. They said if they started becoming more frequent and intense to call back. Renee started having them again late Saturday night into early Sunday morning. We timed them at consistently 2 minutes apart and gaining in intensity. Dr. M asked us to come in to the maternity ward.



When we arrived shortly after 8am, we were assigned to a nurse named S (I’m sorry, I don’t have her last name.) When she told us she hadn't read Renee's chart, we advised her of Renee’s pregnancy issues – insulin-dependent gestational diabetes, half a uterus, etc. We told her that Renee had not yet eaten anything or taken her insulin, but her sugar level was 87 at 5:30 in the morning. S had Renee check her levels again at this time (9:12) and her sugar level was 92. S told Renee to not eat anything or take the insulin until the doctor had a chance to see her.


S checked and said that Renee was not dilated at all, even though she’d been consistently dilated 1.5 cm for several weeks. S called Dr. M, who said to put Renee on a series of pills that would stop the contractions. I asked why, when Renee is past 36 weeks, they would want to stop the contractions, and S replied, “Because they’re not going to want to do a c-section on a Sunday.” As I type this, I realize how ridiculous this is, but it’s true. S repeatedly told Renee that she was “not in real labor.” I don’t find it helpful for a nurse to tell a pregnant woman having severe contractions (that are clearly being registered on the monitor) that she is not in “real” labor.



At 11am, after more than 2 hours of severe contractions (and three doses of medication used to stop them), they started subsiding and S said Dr. M was there and would be in to see Renee “in a minute.” At noon I went to the front desk to ask when Dr. M would be in and I was again told (by a different nurse) “in a minute.” Two hours later I had Renee check her sugar level and it was 73. I went to the front desk and told the stable of nurses there that it was 73 and someone, who I found out later was Dr. M, said Renee needed to eat “now” and said she’d order a meal for Renee. We still had not met Dr. M or seen S since 11am. When Renee needed assistance, such as when the monitors had popped off her belly, a different nurse would come in, fix it and say that Dr. Ma or S would be in soon. As I stated before, this didn’t happen for hours.


At 2:30 S came into our room, again checked Renee’s cervix, said Dr. M would do the same even though there was still no change and said they were letting Renee go. I asked her where Renee’s meal was, and S said she didn’t know what I was talking about. She got Dr. M, which is when I realized she was the one I told about Renee’s sugar level being 73, and she said she’d check with “downstairs.” S came back in and said the cafeteria had forgotten about Renee’s order. I then asked since they were letting Renee go home, if we could just go and get her a lunch on our own instead of waiting for hospital food and was told it would be right there. While we waited for the food, Renee was given a prescription for what we were told was pain medication and then signed out. Dr. M came in with the meal and it was a sandwich and chicken noodle soup, crackers, fruit and milk. Too many carbs for someone with gestational diabetes and milk product for someone who is lactose intolerant. It also occurred to me that I’d seen Dr. M sitting at the nurse’s station many times during the day, but she hadn’t visited Renee until 2:30.



But Dr. M did then explain to us the real reason for not letting Renee deliver – because she has gestational diabetes, our baby’s lungs develop later, and without the ability to do an amniocentesis, they didn’t want to risk it. That is a great reason and makes a lot more sense than “they don’t want to do it on a Sunday.”



Regarding what S told us about Renee being prescribed a painkiller to take every 6 hours. We filled it immediately. Later Sunday night Renee had an excruciating headache so she called the maternity ward and said, “Dr. M prescribed me the painkiller Nifedipine and I want to know if it’s okay to take Tylenol on top of it.” They told her it was fine. They did not mention that this prescription is NOT a painkiller. On Monday when Renee had her regularly scheduled appointment in the city at high risk OB office, she told them the prescription she’d been put on and she was told that it is NOT a painkiller, but something that stops contractions. Renee had not taken it since Sunday at around 7:00 due to the headache and nausea it caused, instead rather dealing with the cramping and backache without medication. high risk OB office encouraged Renee to call your office to explain the medication situation and to determine if she should continue taking it or stop altogether. It was determined that she not continue with the medication. So we paid our $15 prescription copay for nothing.


We were very upset about our experience on Sunday. We were forgotten about, neglected, and generally treated poorly. This has already been a very difficult pregnancy and this weekend added a lot of unnecessary stress. Several friends in nursing are advising us to switch hospitals to ...., but we prefer to stay in ...... for the convenience, plus Renee really likes you and has been pleased with her care up until this point. We would like assurances that this was an aberration and isn’t the way Renee will be treated when she is in “real” labor.



Please feel free to contact me at any time at .... or on my cell phone at .....

Thank you,

hubby

pictures.

I love my boy. We got the tree up last night. I had more energy then I thought I would, but still got way too into it to take pictures. Luckily Hubby snapped this with his iPhone. I love it. Just love it.

Bug was totally cute seconds before standing on the arm of the couch, sticking his butt in the air trying to reach the tree. I love the expression on his face in this picture tho.

We get an ornament for Bug each year to represent something big in the year. This year we gave him a hallmark school bus. He loved it. We got Hannah her first ornament. Turns out to be the booties you see in the newest hallmark commercial. What I didn't know was that the ribbon says first Christmas and there is a heart charm at the top that 2009. It's a gorgeous ornament. the price took my breath away. but I had a five dollar coupon...GO me.

A week from today, amnio. A week from tomorrow I will be holding my baby girl. I can't wait. OR she could come early. That is good too. LOL.

36 wks. YIPEE....update...UPDATE on UPDATE

So today marks 36 wks. Totally excited b/c that means we can deliver locally when and if I ever go into labor.

Nothing much has happened since our Friday adventure.

I had my GD appt. yesterday and as usual my insulin was increased, this time all four daily injections were increased. L says this is because of my complete bed rest plus coming towards the end of the pregnancy.

I also had an u/s and she is all good. approx. 5 1/2 pounds.

I have an appt. with my OB today, I am hoping she checks to see if I have dilated any more.

I hope so...maybe she will say. lets have a baby.

_________________________________________________________________________________________
UPDATE:

OB appt. went well. no change in dilation but am 50% effaced. (meaning my cervix is half as long)

amnio 12/8 , due date if lungs are good 12/9, if lungs are not good-- FINAL due date 12/15.

Hannah will be here for Christmas.

________________________________________________________________________________________
UPDATE on UPDATE

the city hospital couldnt get me in for the amnio until 12/10. meaning c/s potentially 12/11 locally.

So frustrated. Would like something to just go as planned.

Hannah will still be here for 12/25 Christmas calendar date and 12/24 in law Christmas dinner. But my extended family has Christmas gathering the weekend before so my four siblings and I can spend Christmas day either at our own homes or with in laws.

Hopefully we wont be in hospital for 12/19. NO COMPLICATIONS please. I am so looking forward to going home. haven't been since bed rest started way back when.

Maybe Hannah will give me the best Christmas-Birthday combo present ever and say screw all that planning. I am coming earlier and I am coming now. that would be so sweet.

more baby drama

spent some time in maternity last night.

no contractions,but horrible vaginal pain. Hannah is sitting so heavily on cervix that the nurse was able to feel her bottom. I am almost 2 cm. dilated. I had the choice of staying at the hospital on complete strict dont sit up or get out of bed except to pee, bed rest or do it at home...with Bug I said,. home please.

now even laying down hurts. I thought the point was to help stop gravity by laying down...not really working.

Nurses were like, we need to get you to 36 wks to keep you locally. But I am so afraid that my Peri will say...suck it up. Keep her in until the amnio. I am in so much pain. Just take her damn it. But with no contracts and no change in dilation...they want to wait until something happens.

35 wks & PUPPPS

Had one of my twice weekly appts. today. I still haven't gained anymore weight. Not complaining there. Results of blood work were negative for Cholestasis. thank God. But new rashes that have recently appeared along with the continued itching points to a diagnosis of PUPPPS.

PUPPPS stands for pruritic urticarial papules and plaques of pregnancy.

Or in other words, an extremely annoying rash that covers my entire body, and itches so bad I scratch uncontrollably. There really isn't any way of getting rid of it, other than having Hannah.

My GD insulin has gone up yet again and am told some of the cream I am to use to help with relief from PUPPP may cause my sugars to go higher...need to keep an eye on it.

I begged and begged to have Hannah next week at 36 wks. but was told that it was way too early. the Peri was super nice. He totally felt for me. He said we can do an amnio at 37 wks to test lung development. So I can potentially have Hannah in two weeks. the week of Dec. 7th.

Pray that her lungs are great. I can't take this itching much longer. I slept through most of last week. Literally. day and night. skipping meals and snacks or eating a cop-out of a meal and not taking sugar count. GD specialist L was sympathetic but prescribed a different med to help with the rash other then Benadryl so I wasn't so drowsy. I didn't want to tell her sleeping the week away was fine by me.

But Bug does have the rest of the week off from school, so that really wouldn't work in our favor. That is my biggest guilt is missing out on so much with him.

Hugs to all.

R

34 wks and more crap

Good news is I am 34 wks. YeeHaw.

Bad news is I had to have blood work done yesterday to determine if I have Cholestasis of Pregnancy.

What is Cholestasis of Pregnancy:

Cholestasis of pregnancy is a rare condition that results from a liver problem. Roughly 2 percent of pregnant women may develop this condition, which occurs when bile fails to flow normally in the small ducts of the liver. This results in bile salt accumulation in the body and can cause excessive itching. This itching is more intense than other forms of itching. Some women scratch so severely they end up with small tears in the skin. (I am miserable. I feel like I have chicken pox without the pox or rash. Or better yet like I have creepy crawlies all over me)

This problem like many other pregnancy related skin conditions clears shortly after delivery. In some cases your doctor may recommend an early induction depending on the severity of your condition.

So. I am waiting for the results. But man I itch and nothing helps.

My insulin was yet again increased. I now have to go into the city twice a week for u/s for baby wellness and one time per week for the GD specialist.

I've been really depressed. miserable really physically and mentally. I feel like I am holding on by a thread. One moment I feel like I am getting used to what is thrown at me and then the next comes something else and I want to scream, kick and cry. SOB.

This pregnancy has been one of the most challenging things I have every gone through. I wish all the medical issues didn't take away from the excitement of having a little girl.

I am so scared that after she is born I will be more relieved then joyful to have her in my arms.

quick exhasuted update

So, I haven't been on here much. I've read other's post, but not much commenting. sorry about that.

I am so tired. Tuesday will mark 34 wks. I can't believe I am that far along. I didn't think it would happen.

But I hurt. It hurts to stand. It hurts to lay down. It hurts to sit. It hurts to walk.

It's all good. she'll be here before I know it.


So forgive me if I am not on much. I am so tired. I have pregnancy brain. I can't remember much. I can't think past my nose.

good day

Had a great OB appt. Even tho I was an hour late. OOPSY. I marked it wrong on the calendar. But they got me in quick and out quick. baby is doing great. I'm measuring well and she sounds wonderful. My doc was like WOW you look great. Tired (but that is to be expected) She was like. Can you believe you have made it this far. It was totally encouraging.

My GD appt was kinda bummy cause, my GD specialist was out sick again. So I met with the nutritionist in her place. I'm spoiled...I want my people. I dont like subs. But oh well. She has been ill since Friday. I hope she gets better soon.

My insulin doses have increased because my morning fasting and breakfast numbers continue to be high. Not overly so now, but just over the desired numbers. We want them more in the middle range. I'm getting used to the shots. I actually feel much better on them. I think the insulin is making a huge difference. I dont feel so sick.

My doc is right I am tired. so tired. I wish I could just sleep in tomorrow and not wake up until my body is ready to. Not bladder, but body. I was up so much last night with trips to the bathroom. Looking forward to that aspect of the pregnancy to be done with. I think we would have done awesome if we got stock in TP for these past 8+ months. we would be rich.

Only 6 wks and 1 day at the most until we meet Hannah. Her kicks and movements are so strong now. I can picture a little being. Bug whispered to me today that he can't wait for Christmas cause that is when baby Hannah will be here. I whispered back, me either. I can't wait. !!!! I can't wait to see him with her. I can't wait to see Hubby holding her. So small in his big hands. I simply can't wait.

shootin' up.

So last week my GD specialist put me on insulin. I actually cried. Not because I had to go on shots. I'm just super tired. One more thing. But it's actually (despite the whole shot thing) has worked out better then the pill.

I dont have to plan a half hour ahead of meals. I can just take the shot and eat. Unfortunately we still dont have the doses down so we are still adjusting the amount.

I'm slowly getting used to injecting myself four times a day. Not fun. But it helps to have Bug around so I dont hesitate. He is having his flu shot next week. I want him used to the needle and be like...mommy does this everyday. Hope it works.

I go back to the GD on Monday for a follow up. Then to the OB in the afternoon. Next week is pretty busy with appt. I'll be 33 wks on Tuesday. We are getting closer.

Does anyone have a cat that has grown totally attached to you when pregnant. I dont know what it is, but Sophie my 3yo kitty follows me everywhere. She even braves getting on the bed when hubby is in bed (big no no) and will lay right on me. I go to the bathroom. she is right behind me. I sit on the couch and she is either right on me or sitting on the back of the couch right next to my head. It's like she knows. She has even gotten to the point of kidnapping a beanie baby souvenir from MIL room and carrying it around the house, like its her baby. Never has she done this or anything like it before. It's so weird.

Today's appt. brought tears

Not a great week for my body. Official-- stay off your feet ---bed rest and I met with the GD doc today and now have moved onto insulin, four times a day. I know I did my best to keep my sugars down. I followed the rules. I did what I was told and it still wasn't good enough. My placenta rules my body. I know it's not my fault but I couldnt help tear up. I said to my FIL tonight, I just wish something would go right this pregnancy. He wisely said. "Something has. You are 32 wks pregnant. Hannah is healthy and still in there. It's been a challenge, but you are at 32 wks and you are still pregnant. To me that is pretty right." WOW. I needed that. He is right. I'm still pregnant.

I did my first shot tonight before dinner. was slightly freaked out. and then Bug busted into the room and Mike tried distracting him and I was like...I can't show Bug I am freaking out (or he'll freak out) so i just did it. The action didn't really hurt, it was afterward that stung a little. I guess, much like the zillion finger pricks a day, I will get used to this too.

We also had an u/s. Hannah is doing awesome. she weighs 4.5 pounds, which cracks me up cause that is all I have gained. everything about her is perfect. And it was cool that the u/s tech was the tech that I saw weekly in the beginning when Hannah was just a blob. It was cool that she got to see her so close to her due date.

Bug had his sibling class today. He didn't seem too in it, but once we went into the maternity part and he saw a room that Mommy could be in and a real live 30 minutes old baby boy he was so excited. He told me before bed that he loves Hannah and can't wait to see her. That was very touching.

I'm still tired and emotional. Hubby and I are doing better. He was really supportive today. Hillary said it best in a comment on my previous post.."Sometimes when words are too difficult, a good hug with the hubby just helps bridge the hurt and misunderstandings."

So true.

I did get my hug today.

32 wks plus 2 days

I've gotta confess I am so down right now. Depressed really. I am pleased I am so far along. Pleased that if I do go into labor now, my baby girl will be ok. due to the fetal something test I had done last weekend when I went into maternity with contractions, I know that I have at least another week reprieve. I'll at least go to 34 wks. But honestly I think she is in for the long haul.

I hurt. I am hormonal and emotional. watching the world around me continue. I attacked my husband last night verbally when all I was trying to do is explain how I feel. It went all wrong and for the first time in almost ten years we went to bed angry or maybe hurt is more like it. Hurting Mike wasn't my intention. I am just going crazy and losing all ability to communicate properly.

I'm off to my u/s and GD appt. I am anxious to see my little girl.

scary Moment

yesterday I woke up like usual. I watched a cartoon with Bug and felt what I thought were Braxton Hicks. No biggy. I got Bug ready for soccer b/c hubby is sick. Took him to soccer cause who else would do it since hubby is sick. I'll just sit there anyways right.

I was uncomfortable, but that could have been the mist of rain and wind. The game went quick. By the time we were in the car I was nauseous. Made the short ride home. tightening in belly, run to the bathroom bm issues. nauseous and bm...PRETERM LABOR right. I get to the bedroom. I am doubled over and we call the dr. they have me come in.

More of the same while there at the maternity ward. But it's not registering. dr. says this early that isn't abnormal. All test come back fine. Hannah is fine. great actually. But I still felt crappy.

The dr. on call (same practice as my dr.) told me I am back on the couch, no getting up. so I guess it's back to the craziness. he said that it could be a virus. But I have no fever and feel fine...minus the tightening hard belly. He said that I probably did too much when I got the go ahead to move about the house. I need to make an appt. with dr. L. on Monday to check in with her and tell her about this weekend. I wasn't suppose to see her for two weeks. oh well.

I felt so alone yesterday, even though hubby was right there with me. Lost in my own mind. I wish my mother was alive. I wish my family didnt live so far away and cared more. not out of sight out of mind. I've been on bed rest for two months now and no one has visited me. i take that back. My MIL bff bought me a book and brought it over for a short visit. and my FIL pops in to help around the house and to say hi. but doesn't ever stay long enough to fill the gap of my own father not coming. I love my husband so much. He does so much for me. He tries so hard to fill those gaps but the man is human and it simply can't be done.

More later. i am so tired. Emotionally and physically. But yesterday was scary and as much as I want her out. I want her healthy. I want her to stay in as long as possible.

nap? what nap?

So maybe the doc was on to something when she said stop napping, sit on someone else's couch, talk to people on the phone and get off your computer..... I am not crazy.

Yesterday marked day four with no nap. I've been painting picture frames, letters of Hannah's name and a clock to match the color of the butterflies the previous owner stamped on her wall. (it was her babies room as well) The four picture frames will hold butterflies that Bug has drawn and be on the biggest wall in her room. The lettering when I finish attaching the ribbon to them will hang on the wall over looking her crib.

I got the blood work back from Monday's dr. visit. and everything is fine, except I am slightly anemic. Which isn't a surprise since I tend to be outside of pregnancy as well. So yet another pill. I am beginning to feel like your local pharmacy. But at least it's nothing serious.

Starting to wash all the Hannah clothes to hang in her closet and put in her drawers. one of my favorite outfits for her from carters shrunk. So bummed. I think it would fit a dolly now. I picked up her xmas outfit the other day. it's white with red snowflakes and a red ribbon down the leg and across the chest as if she is a present. It's adorable. I have her going home from the hospital outfit. Bug wore a multi striped pants/sweatshirt fleece outfit that my sister-in-law brought to the hospital from her house that my niece outgrew cause he was born early and the bag we had packed had a warm weather outfit in it and the day we were to be released it was raining, windy and chilly. I thought it would be neat if they wore similar outfits. His was more basic colors and a bit big, but did the job. Her's has girly colors and should be just her size. I can't wait to see her in it.

I've been looking for nursing nighties and bras. no luck. I did find a nursing book at a consignment shop yesterday for a buck. It was written in 99 revised four times. but the only other book Ive found is at borders and written in 2000. Not much of a difference except the price. So i thought. Ive read info on line. At Kellymom.com as well as ivillage. as well as the nursing chapters in other pregnancy books. and some of the book I've read so far is a little out of date. But the technique of latching is really informative and that means something...

any suggestion on books for nursing. Nursing clothes? I can't seem to find any for larger woman and long sleave for winter. ugh.

time to empty the bladder and find breakfast.

Am I really Crazy?

I was told by my OB on Monday that bed rest is making me go crazy. I need to do stuff. Uhhh. OOOO.K. I said, you do realize you put me on bed rest. She laughed and said yup. and you still are, but you need to do SOMETHING. around the house. have people come over, visit. Get off the computer, dont nap so much.

So I am crazy. All my symptoms last weekend were in my head cause the baby and I are fine. Super.

yesterday I took a short trip to walmart. shhhh. dont tell. then I got home, walked across the street to a neighbors house cause it was her bday and I wanted to give her chocolate and card. visited for an hour (lounged on her couch the whole time). Came home, sat for an hour. Took Bug to the dentist. then home and plopped on the couch. tired. I felt good. I did alot. Little sore, and tired. But felt good to get out...

after dinner I was like... whoa. I'm done. Watched a c/s video with popcorn. lol In bed by nine. toss and turned. as tired as I was I couldnt sleep. Finally around 11:30 I drifted off. slept ok. not great. Up this morning. I had to take Bug to the bus stop cause MIL wanted to go to Church early.

I went to bus stop. not feeling great. Not off, just not at my best. I am home now. trying to stay up. Trying to get the energy to do something. I'm home alone. missing voices. even MIL. I think yesterday I did too much and now I am just an emotional zombie, wanting to cry for no reason. My legs hurt. Ankles hurt. tired. eyes hurt. exhausted really.

I'm trying to be more positive. All I feel like I do is complain.

Yesterday marked a whole month longer with Hannah labor free, unlike Bug, who scared the shit out of us with 18 hours of preterm labor. Only 7 wks 6 days till c/s AND she might come a little early which will be cool as long as it's after 36 wks.

I found her xmas eve outfit for my in-laws Italian Christmas, which is one of my all time favorite days of the year. with all that I have been through this year and with this pregnancy, God will not take this day away from me. He will reward me. I can't imagine NOT being able to go. And to be able to take hannah-girl would be the topper on the cake.

I am going to miss xmas, multiple nieces and nephew bdays, my sisters bday, and Thanksgiving all with my family. I am NOT going to miss out on Xmas eve with InLaws.

I am excited to work on Hannah's room. All I have in there is Bug's dresser, with the changing table portion sitting next to it. waiting for Hubby to put it on to make it a changing table. The toddler bed (crib with missing parts, now borrowing a crib from a friend) has sat for two weeks. with hubby saying for two weeks that it was on his agenda to take apart for storage- for when hannah is old enough for a toddler bed. It hasnt been done so I did that yesterday. Tired of waiting.

Hubby says I have to wait until after baby shower to purchase anything for the room. The "surprise" shower is this weekend- in my eyes. Too many oopsy clues leads me to believe this. twin's wife calling to say she wont be up this weekend but will come the following weekend to visit, sister saying she was gonna come up and visit to keep me company and then calling to say she is sick and wont make it. (neither two ever come my way out of the blue, I usually have to beg them), cake lady calling MIL (for no reason...ahhh right) Hubby suggesting he take Bug to the movies on Sunday the day after I tell him that there was no way I could sit in a theater right now to watch some movie he was dying to see. he changes it to some other "family" activity we can do with all of us. Bowling where I can sit and watch...whatever. My BFF from college just moved to FL. (Bitch, j/k) and I talked to her as if I knew the date and she was like, oh I am so sorry I can't make it up there, but I can't get off work and afford two tickets a month from each other...the only thing that is throwing off this weekend idea is Auntie S, one of my closest friends and Bug's Godmother as well as Hannah's- is on vacation in Hawaii and wont be home this weekend. Can we really have a shower without her? I am not sure how I feel if the answer is yes. Oh well.

OK. lost steam. just pray that my crazy insanity subsides. Too much time in my own head, with my own thoughts, that never really change with the day.

31 wks

31wks today. 8 wks until c/s. 5 wks until I start to do cartwheels to help her along.

told by my really cool and honest OB (who I really like a lot) that I am going crazy on bed rest. glad it's official.

Great Appt.

Today's appt. at the OB and GD doc went super well. So well that they dont want to see me for two weeks.

Hannah-Girl is doing awesome. She is kicking and moving and breathing. She even has HAIR. YeS HAIR!!!!

We didn't get any good pics. U/S tech seemed like a bitch and not patient friendly at all. She didn't even attempt 3D. Didn't "play" for us at all. there was a u/s tech in training and it was like she was showing off for her. But had no personality at all. All business.


I even asked about checking the cervical length and she said that there wasn't a request for it. She went and asked the doc. and he said not to bother cause I was now 30 wks and there was no way of "measuring" if it's on target or not. No chart to compare it. OOOOO.K.

Bummer.

Meeting with L my GD doc and she as super pleased with my sugars. We went to 10 mg in morning and 5 in the evenings with Glyburide. My sugars seem to have settled. She doesn't need to see me for two weeks. Super. That is awesome.

So there it is. Good news. ALL around.

OH. except for the fact I learned why I have to pee every two seconds. Hannah is literally. LITERARLY sitting on my bladder. Her butt is pressed right up against it. Fantastic.

30 wks.

Holy-crap-o-la.

yesterday marked 30 wks. WOOT! WOOT!

tomorrow is my wkly u/s. Anxious to hear what my cervical length is.

quick note

How do get a kid who is just over the line of too sick to go to school but still has a enough energy to bounce around the house to slow down and take a nap. I dont think the nap is going to happen.

But I did get him to sit on the couch to watch tv. maybe through out the day he will fall asleep. PLEASE fall asleep.

I am not feeling so great myself. Not sure if I am coming down with what he has, that would suck. But I did get the flu shot so shouldnt that repel every bad bug that comes this way? LOL

My GD meds were increased to the highest dosage this morning before going to insulin. I am feeling so shaky. Not good. I have a job interview in an hour and half and all I want to do is go to bed. I hate having to do this. it's not like they are going to hire me. Not as big as I am.

On a fun note I borrowed a pair of maternity pants from my neighbor. she is a size below me. I wasn't so sure they were going to fit...but they do! That is awesome.

sensitive

According to yesterday's appt. everything with the baby is fine. But in my mind I am nervous. My cervix went from 4cm to 3cm. Peri doesn't think it's concerning. But come on. I dont buy it. Not that I am trying to borrow trouble. I am just really nervous.

I walked to the bus stop yesterday after my OB appt. and when I got back I had what felt like small contractions until I sat for over an hour. After that I just hurt.

My reg. OB thinks my Peri is wrong. Peri thinks I will go around 39 wks. OB who sees me and hears me in person and not just look at my u/s pic thinks I'll go closer to 34 wks.

If I get off the couch, she is probably right. But guess what I have to do on Tuesday... I have a job interview. stupid I know. This is why I am on "unofficial" bed rest. I have been on unemployment and actively looking for a job since I was laid off in Jan. I should have listened to my Dad and gone into teaching instead of social services. granted I have been working in the schools, and even teaching the special ed. students from time to time. But my degree isn't in teaching. Damn it should be...anyways back to unemployment.

No one wants to hire a pregnant lady but to keep my benefits active until I actually go into the hospital, I have to keep putting in my resume each week. I haven't had any bites. Until the other day. The sad thing is. If i wasnt majorly pregnant-- I would want this job. It's for case management. Which other then working in the school it's the next best thing. I like teaching people how to empower themselves and take care of their families. So yea. interview next week.

Other then that I am on the couch. That includes tomorrow while the whole family goes to Pumpkin land. I LOVE pumpkin land. I hate that I am going to miss it. which has started me feeling grumpy and sorry for myself. I cant get past it. I dont know how to change the missing out feeling. I am missing out on so much. I am lonely and tired of my own company.

last weeks appt. and long weekend

Sorry for the delay, I am so tired these days and the pregnancy is all I think about, so it's hard sometimes. I just need a break from it.

This is part of an email I sent Mary and I am being lazy and using parts of it as a cheat so I dont have to re-write.

u/s went well. uneventful really. I didnt even get pictures, which I didnt realize until two days later. She is now breached. I know exactly when that happened. It's kinda interesting knowing my body so well at times and Hannah. She is 2.10 pounds. my cervical length has shortened a little, but still at a good length. I'm continue to have lovely pains when I walk or do anything other then pee. I just tried to pick up the living room and my lower uterus parts hurts. So I am done. Not worth it.

I had a non-stress test to determine if I am contracting, but she was good. Like always. She never likes to perform for others. Bug isnt patient enough to wait with his hand on my stomach to feel her kick, but this afternoon he saw her kick and my belly jump. He thought it was super cool. Huge GRIN!!!

I got the go ahead to go to Kohls for a quick visit. With the hopes of using a wheel chair. No wheel chair so I said, the hell with it and walked. Damn it if Hannah didnt have me bent over near the boys department. That was my cue to go home. I am still told to stay off my feet, but was encouraged to cook and go on trips to Bug's bus stop. Depending on how I am feeling. Just so I dont turn to jelly. No more shopping trips though and no lifting laundry or going up and down the stairs.

I spoke with my GD specialist who I love. I'm doing all I can to stay on pills, but I called her Friday with some crazy ass high numbers from Thursday and Friday. So she bumped me up to 7.25 mg for both day and night meds. If this doesnt work, I'll go to a full blown ten for each. If that doesnt work I will go to four shots daily of insulin. YEAH. But over the long weekend as my body started getting used to the higher doses my sugar level plummeted. I'm not suppose to go below a 60 count, but four times I was in
the 40's. My lips had gone numb, eye sight wacky. I was shaky and blah. I slept for two days. With an alarm or person waking me to take sugars or eat something. I emailed GD Doc to remember she doesn't work Tuesday...Great. I have an OB appt. tomorrow just a check in. With a u/s and GD visit on Thursday.

I am so sick of feeling blah. sick of watching sugars. watching what I eat to either have my sugars soar or drop with eating the same thing. I am bummed that I have to miss so much of Fall happenings with Bug. Cause they aren't handicap accessible. (pumpkin patch/country fair/corn maze. Missing step sister's baby shower (her due date was four days before mine). Missing turkey day back home, if I go to c/s date then I will be in hospital for xmas, missing My favorite two days of the year. christmas eve at my husbands grandmother's house (THE BEST) and xmas morning here at the house for a big waffle breakfast with immediate family.

I pray, please, please Hannah come early, in Dec, but before the 22nd.

Prayer List

It's been a tough go of it for many of my blogger friends. I wish we all lived closer so that we can give real hugs. Not many know what we IFers go through. None of it is easy.

Please keep in your Prayers

Mary who is 24 wks pregnant and experiencing contractions. She has a special place in my heart as she is the one who talked me into creating my own blog. Without her, I wouldnt have the rest of you.

Jennifer who has just experienced her third m/c. After having two D/C she opted to go natural with this loss and last night ended up in the hospital to endure emergency surgery.

Stacie,, my dear sock it to me buddy. She has beautiful twin boys who have had quite the adventures this past summer. As things settle for the boys stacie m/c at 7 wks. so far her body isn't cooperating to allow the next step in IVF to happen.

Hillary who is due with her little girl at the end of the month. Holy Cow, That went fast.

Suraita who is something like 25 wks pregnant with a little girl. She is new to blogging and a delight to read. Some of her fun challenges are unicornuate uterus, PCOS, MTHFR, and a prothrombin gene mutation. lets pray that girl keeps on growing and stays right where she needs to be for the time being.

Melissa has a beautiful little girl, E. She and her husband have been trying for baby #2 for two years now. With two m/c. Her body continues to betray her.

And me....
bed rest, GD out of control and a son who is beginning to feel the effects of the pregnancy.

If I missed anyone, dont be offended. You all are amazing woman and always in my prayers.

so it begins...BUG

We have been totally honest with Bug. We have to because he is a smart kid. If we give him sugar coated answers to why Mommy can't wrestle with him or get my butt of the couch he will keep asking. So we told him. He is my little GD cop and makes sure I eat and dont eat crap. And now with bed rest we said, You tried to come early and now to make sure Hannah stays safe and healthy Mommy has to do this, so she doesnt come early...

But why can't she come early....we'll if she comes too early she could be really sick or even die. Which would be really sad. We dont want her to be sick.

So, he has been great. we have quiet time on the couch. I read him stories and we watch his cartoons, we play the wii, matchbox cars (barf me). he seems to be doing ok. More clingy since I went on bed rest. But ok.

I sent an email to his K teacher telling her I wont be able to attend the parent meeting regarding parent helpers in the classroom (I so wanted to be that Mom). and gave her an update on the bed rest and please keep an eye on Bug to make sure that he is still doing ok...

well guess what her response is. he seems a bit distracted and has had to sit out at group time on several occasions due to not listening and talking out of turn. She said this is new behavior for him.

Which makes sense since I just went on bed reset. then he makes a comment last night about how me being pregnant makes him sad. He wants me to climb up on his new loft bed and I cant. But he doesn't want Hannah to die. Hmmmmm. Red flags. Maybe we are a little too honest. I dont know. We dont go into detail. just general. so hhmmm. what to do. I'm worried.

we talk to him both hubby and I at different occasions to put his listening ears on at school and try to see where he is at emotionally. I dont want this transition in his life to be traumatic, I want the birth of his sister to be joyous.

His K teacher suggest something...lets have him meet with the social worker here at school. Give him a safe place to talk while playing games. Great idea. Give him that one on one attention. then SW can let us know where he is at. Help us with keeping Bug happy and excited for a new sister without worrying himself to death.

He is such a compationate little boy. I hope that never changes.

c/s date scheduled...update

Spoke with the OB office today. The c/s is scheduled for Dec. 22. the day after my birthday.

But honestly. I hope she comes like a week or two earlier then that. As of Saturday I will have been pregnant for 200 days. I love that I am pregnant. I just want my Hannah healthy in my arms.
_________________________________________________________________________________________
update
_________________________________________________________________________________________

spoke to my GD specialist as my mid day (breakfast and lunch) sugars continue to be high. We are now upping the morning med. Constant tweaking. We knew that was a possibility. Hopefully this will do it. My sugars will even out. I think part of the reason I dont feel so hot lately is that they are so high. PLUS high sugars make you pee more. enough of that already. I feel like I spend more time walking to the bathroom then I do on bed rest.

I read in one of my baby books that at 28 wks the baby will respond to light. So I tried a flashlight. Her kicking increased and she moved across my stomach. It was really cool.


We got Bugs xmas shopping done this weekend. I looked cute riding in the stores scooter carts. man those things are slow. But I know I would not have been able to shop if I had to walk around. The next day we went into another store that didn't have a handicap scooter and just simply walking to the toy section drained me of energy. I didnt feel like shopping. So we left. Glad that is over and done with. Still have neices and nephews to shop for, but that wasn't as important as getting Bug's stuff. I can shop on line for them I suppose.

yesterday

Yesterday exhausted me. I way over did it and my Dr. would have a fit if she knew what I did.

So I had my appt. with DB specialist yesterday. I am doing ok. Mid day sugars are still a little more independent then we want them to be. Might have to up morning meds if they dont settle. OK no biggy.

They did say I also have to go in once a week for DB monitoring AND once a week for u/s. WOW.

They also said I can't go to Pumpkin Land or Apple picking because it's way too much walking. Long day. This is going to be tough for me. these are fall traditions that I look forward to each year. I mean my favorite things to do out of the year. I have a few that i just dont ever want to miss. Even bigger then Thanksgiving and my own Bday. Again very tough.

Yesterday I didn't lay down, I sat but not lay down. I went to the city for my appt. on the way home I stopped at FIL. ended up staying a couple hours so he could go to work for an hour to finish something up, while I wait for the FEDEX guy and keep an eye on disabled step-MIL. I sat doing that.

Then I went to our neighbors Jr. High Soccer Game. It meant the world to her that I was there. But it rained a little bit and we stood the whole time, plus walking to the field. (She knows I am on bed rest so it really meant a lot to her. I did tell her unfortunately I wouldnt be able to make it to any other game. But I really wanted to see her play at least once. She beamed)

Then to Bug's soccer practice where I had to walk to his field, thankfully he carried my chair for me. Such a big boy. Hubby met me there after work. Thought it best not to go to any more practices. Which broke my heart, I know he is right, and it made me tear up right then and there.

By the time I got home it was really late. My back was killing me. I even had a back spasm that made me drop. I ended up eating supper laying down on the couch. I took a short bath to warm up. I was chilled to the bone, then laid in bed to watch Survivor and bed early.

I was so tired I only got up twice to use bathroom. I even woke up laying on my stomach. WHAT. I am 27 wks. My stomach is huge. Not comfortable. Feel a little crampy this morning. but all is fine.

Bug kissed me awake this morning. It was very cute. He was super tired and sensitive. I so wanted to keep him home today. Can't though he is in K. It's picture day and if I kept him home he would think it's ok to cry and stay home again another time. Damn. So I got Bug ready to go and MIL walked him to the bus. I took sugars, good reading for once in AM. had breakfast, watched Bones and getting ready to go lay down. It's only 9:30, but I am ready for a nap.

Going away this weekend for a quiet anniversary in the city. Chose that just b/c it's close to the hospital in case I needed. God forbid. Instead of going out we will just end up chilling in the room, watching movies in bed, no sex (nothing in vagina rule still stands---minus dr. hand and other not so fun monitoring devices OUCH). Sorry TMI

Not quite the get away I imagined our anny, but still looking forward to it. I can't wait to have hubby all to myself. At least the DB specialist said I can have a treat. yeah. then back on track next weekend. yeah.

today's OB appt. @ 27 wks

So, if you know me and my pregnancy past you know that this week. 27 is the week I went into 18 hrs of preterm labor with Bug before it was stopped. I still had him early. But not at that dangerous stage.

Here I am 27 wks and i feel like crap-o-la. My stomach hurts, not like ligament stretching or baby kicks, but like who the hell knows. It hurts. I get winded walking Bug to the bus stop or simply going up and down the stairs of our split level home.

I am now on unofficial partial bed rest. Dr. also did an exam today that would indicate if I would go into labor in the next two weeks. It came back neg. She also did an internal exam and my cervix is closed. All good news. She did frown and say that the Perri is most likely wrong and that I will go early. I am also being referred to do all my future u/s at the perri office in the city versus at my reg. ob.

I've lost two more pounds since last week. I weight less now then I did when I got pregnant. I have a jaw line again. craziness.

She really felt bad for me at my appt. she said that this seems to be a much more difficult pregnancy then Bug's. And that is saying alot since I was in and out of the hospital with him. Flu, preterm labor, breech, early birth. With Bug I felt fine until I wasn't. With Hannah girl I just feel horrible all the time.

MORE GD FUN. plus physical drainage

So, My sugar numbers continue to be crazy high....

Talked to the specialist today and gee guess what....

UPPING my night time meds.

I continue to be shaky. I get tired so easily. I can't stand for long periods of time. My lower and upper abdomen hurts when I walk. This weekend when walking in Walmart I had to stop and clutch my stomach several times. Stairs wind me. I feel like I should be on bed rest. At least partial.

I am lucky that I am not working. But I feel so lazy when I do rest. I just want a dr. to tell me...hey you are going to be 27 wks tomorrow. the wk you went into preterm with Bug, you feel this way physically, maybe you should be on bed rest. If not complete then partial....

BAM. instant guilt free.

thank you

Thanks to you ladies that have stuck by my side. I know I haven't been fun to read lately. But I do appreciate your input and presence in my life. I wouldn't be where I am today without you.

Thank you for coming back.

R

more GD fun

My sugars have been crazy high. Not doing anything different. three days ago. I had cheerios, sugar was 111. Today same meal...155 sugar count.

I am now on morning meds...

Great.

meds, day and night now....

this pregnancy just gets better and better.

I wish it was dec. and I have my little girl in my arms.

what's up: Habits

I have this annoying habit. When I am stressed or anxious I dig the side of my thumb with my index finger. Half the time I dont realize I am stressed or anxious until I wake up in the morning with a deep cut like sliver on my thumb.

That is where I am at. digging at my thumb. Dumb..but true. I'm 26 wks today. One week away from the time I went into Preterm with Bug. I am thinking that he stretched my uterus to the point that my Hannah-Girl will go longer, but at the same time I am so damn uncomfortable.

It's harder to get up. Harder to move around. I have to piss all the time and when I am not I am holding it in which is uncomfortable, but it's such a process to go to the bathroom for just a dribble that it annoys me. So I hold it until a good pee builds up.

I am on meds now for my GD. haven't quite eaten well these past four days. cause I am sleeping/napping to get past this depression I am in. I am just so tired. I dont know if it's my GD that is making me tired, being this pregnant, not sleeping at night, or the depression.

All I want to do is eat shit and smoke. Brilliant right. Of course those coping skills are not an option. Leaving me more down in the mouth. But I can't even sleep cause of having to take damn sugars. I cant take a bath cause I like them boiling hot and well, I can't do that cause of the baby.

Now I feel like a heel cause I'm bitching...I'm always bitching. and I am pregnant, when so many wonderful ladies out there arent.

But, man. I am depressed. I can't even get my act in gear to work on Hannah's room. get ready for her arrival. I have nothing for her. some clothes and a crib that needs to be put together that was Bugs. WTH. why is this pregnancy so different from Bug's emotionally. I was on top of the world. I am not saying I am not thrilled beyond happiness for Hannah. I am just simply....who knows.

But my thumb hurts from being dug all day and night long. habits.

drive by...

Just me doing a drive by...

Dont really have the energy to write lately. Sorry for the absence.

I am now on medication for GD. morning sugars have been way too high. But nothing I can control since they are fasting sugars. Just my placenta having fun.

Hannah is kicking like crazy. particularly my bladder.

Bug has settled well into school. He loves it. He is also loving soccer. Getting more and more confident on the field. He is also getting clingy. Velcro needs to be removed. currently he is playing Wii but his arm is resting on my arm. we are hip to hip. This is my new norm. And he is becoming fascinated by my ever so growing boobies. more so then my hubby actually.

anyhoo. Hubby and I are off to dinner and a movie with Bug's Godparents. I need to check my sugars before I go and go to the bathroom fifty times in a ten minute span.

Hope all is well with you guys.


DID I mention I will have only 100 days left tomorrow...yippee.

G.D.

A quick howdy-do before I have to run (no not literally)to the bus stop to pick up Bug from his second full day of K. He is loving it by the way. I should get it on video that he loves school so much so when he is a stubborn unruly teenager who hates school I can pull it out and say, no you dont.

I still haven't gotten the hang of the G.D. thing. My sugars are fluctuating and I feel so hungry all the time. But I can tell you that without sweets in my diet my salad last night was soooo yummy. I hate salad.

Since starting to eat, counting carbs, (45g of carbs at meals and 15g of carbs for two snacks a day) I have lost almost four pounds. It's totally amazing. sucks. But amazing. I miss my breads, pasta, pizza,cookies and caffeine free pepsi. I even have to watch the amount of fruits I eat. only half a large banana or a medium size apple. It's crazy what carbs are in. No juice. too much. That practically has a full meal serving in one glass.

crazy I tell ya.

I'm back...

finally got my computer running again. Computer worked, but internet didn't.

Busy week with the gestational diabetes specialist and trying to get a hang of it all.

More to come.

Bug's first day at Kindergarten

First one on the bus.


He wanted his hair spiked...


Mommy and Bug

Busy. Busy. Busy = exhaustion

It's been a crazy busy last few days. We went to Boston to see the Sox play. It was Bug's first trip to Fenway. He loved it. Then we went to the Boston Museum of Science. That was fun too. I am exhausted.

This coming week is going to be interesting. Bug starts K tomorrow. Big Kid school. yeah. I have multiple dr. appt. Once to see the OB, one for an U/S and another to talk to the consultant about the G.D. and how to check my sugars.

More to come later. I just wanted to put up a post to say hi to all. hope everyone is doing well.

She has done it again...

I'm so pissed. So very very pissed. And I told her so...

I got back from my OB appointment. Not really grumpy, but tired and hungry.

MIL asked how it went. I told her that the test came back and i have gestational diabetes. I was making myself a sandwich as I said this. I told her I was going to take my sandwich and check in on Bug at the neighbor's house.

She asked if I had talked to hubby. I said, "when would I have. I dont have a cell and I just got home." I told her I would be back shortly. I'd call hubby then. (No offense to hubby my desire to check in on my son was higher then calling and getting hubby's voice mail at the office. )

So I went next door. I came back and MIL told me that hubby had called. I said, ok. thanks. what did you tell him...I had a hunch... She said I told him that you had g.d. adn that you were grumpy.

ARG!!!!!

First of all I was not NOT grumpy, but hungry. I said as much when I was making my sandwich. second of all. I told her I would call and tell hubby when I got back. Who the hell is she to tell my husband my news about my body. I told her as much. I tried to hold it in...

finally I said. I am not happy. That was not your news to share. (I mean telling MY hair stylist that I was having a girl and even taking my u/s pic to show her was annoying enough. but to tell my husband information about our pregnancy (ours meaning hubby and mine, not her and mine). Pissed me royally off.

She said...but as soon as you walked out the door he called. I figured you heard the phone ring. No I told her I didn't. even so, I wouldnt have stopped going over if I had. I had planned on calling hubby when I got home.

I am so mad I want to cry. even yell at her. I didn't yell at her, but firmly told her she over stepped her boundaries. She got up from playing solitaire at the computer and went down to her part of the house. GOOD!!!!

I even called hubby as I planned and sure enough I got his damn voice mail. lucky him. Maybe i will have calmed down by the time he calls back. DOUBT IT!!!

What!!!!

My left breast (non-inverted nipple) leaked TWICE tonight. Within fifteen minutes of each other.

I turn 22 wks tomorrow.

I want my body back.

message from my MOM

So as I have proudly stated before, I live in Maine. My mom grew up poor the daughter of a lobster fisherman. Although many of my extended family have thick maine accents, mom didnt really. But she always said "Ayup". A famous Maine saying for yes. I think she was just using it in a good natured mockery of her family...It was her thing anyways.

The other day I was in the car driving home in the dark and listening to the radio thinking about how much my Mom was missing with my son and this pregnancy. There was a new song (country) on the radio and it talked about a woman who died and was taken away by angels. In the song it says that she is happy with God and not to worry. the song ends. Immediately a car drives by me. All I can see is the license plate. It's a vanity plate that says "Ayup". I had to smile. I said out loud..."got the message, Mom"

Wait there is more...if that didn't cause goose bumps.

We are in the process of turning the den into the baby's room. Hubby found two dvd that came from our crappy video camera. On it it says that they are from when Bug was four months old. We dont have many vidoes from when he was a baby. So I was excited. unfortunately one didnt work, damn crappy video camera.

The second one I put in and immediately I see a hand feeding Bug what looked like peas. I knew right away it was my Mom. there were ten minutes of interaction between my Mom and Bug. She looked so healthy. On the video I captured her singing Grand-me-me-me to Bug, trying to teach him her name. in her goofy sing song voice. This is how she got her name as Meme. She would sing that to Bug and he eventually started calling her that. It was a wonderful moment to have captured on film. I always told Bug the story of how she got her name, but there it was for him to see. I never knew I had filmed that. I dont ever recall seeing this dvd. I was in tears watching it. It was her voice. I could feel the love she had for Bug and I just know she has the same love for my baby-girl.

All this has been happening in these past two weeks that have been wicked hard for me. So there is no way I can doubt that she is here with me. She is. It's not the same. Not the same by far. But to see her and hear her voice out of the blue and to hear and see the message on a dark country road... it just warms me to know that as much as I miss her and cry (read sob) from missing her, she is with me. I have to keep reminding myself that.

hormones....

Hormones are a good enough thing to blame my mood on lately. What will happen after the baby comes and I still feel like shit mentally. Can't really blame it on hormones then. I've probably mentioned it in the past but I suffer from depression for as long as I can remember as well as anxiety attacks.

Although the anxiety is mild these days I still have trouble leaving the house. I now can go to the store or to appointments as needed. But to socialize or even drive the distance to my home town it's difficult. Especially now since my mom has passed. Where I used to feel welcome anytime at my parent's house -- now with Dad's wonderful live in gf. I feel like I am imposing. she likes the house to be perfect. My mom didn't care as long as you picked up before you left.

I've been needing to get out of here and naturally I wanted to go "home". Dad was busy on Sunday, but didn't even offer to have me come friday night or saturday. just said he was busy on Sunday. GF didnt step up and say, hey I will be home. How about you come anyways....Where my dad always had time for me, now I feel like I take a back seat.

My relationship with my husband can carry me only so far. I miss my Mom. My best friend. Here I am getting all teary eyed thinking of her. (I've been crying all day) This pregnancy has been so difficult. Not in terms of what is happening, but in terms of this needs to be watched and that needs to be watched and Mom wasn't around for any of my loses either. She was with me every step of the way with Bug. Missing the birth by mere minutes. She was suppose to be in with us, but it all happened so fast. She didn't have a chance to get there in time. But that was ok. Now I just simply miss sharing things with her. Hearing her voice...hugs. sitting in comfortable silence, shopping, driving around. visiting.

With my depression I have a difficult time with self-esteem and maintaining friendships. It's hard to go to someone's house without having an anxiety attack. I have no life so it's hard to maintain a conversation. Non of my "friends" have children so it's hard to relate with them. I have been out of work for almost nine months and have no adult conversation. Hubby says this is my fault. I dont nourish relationships..true, it's difficult for me. I always feel like a burden and my moods are so unpredictable as is my anxiety, it's hard to plan ahead.

I recent hubby for his softball, guys night out, constant chatter on facebook, on the phone, for his basketball league, dodge ball, and even for working and outings he has work related. Only my dad and sister call me. And that is just because it's written in the rule book that they "have" to.

I only go to dr. appt., to and from preschool, practices. I feel like my job is to take care of Bug and have no adult conversations.


Tears are streaming down my face...MIL is staring at me...I dont feel like talking to her. I recent her for not being my Mom and for stepping into my life (i.e. bedroom door shut, crying, talking to hubby, she knocks to ask if she can turn the AC on in the baby's room...come on, she can't decide that for herself) No privacy. So I can feel her eyes on me. I will cut this short as I am too upset to continue anyways...I need privacy. I need a friend. I need to get out.

I just need.....

Baby Hannah

MIL hell

So it's probably been since I found out I was pregnant. But got worse especially when we found out we were having a girl.

she is so dramatic. squeals and gasps and constant talking like an overly excited cheerleader minus the valley girl part.

She is sensitive and has low self-esteem that makes everyone of our exchanges lately make me feel like a bad guy cause she cringes away or acts like a mouse.
for example last night I was getting a drink of water out of the fridge. It was almost eleven at night, most lights were off. I went to close the fridge and there she was...BAM in my face. I jumped and said "Geez you scared the hell out of me." A normal response for getting scared to death. She was all apologetic and acted like I yelled at her. where as other people would have laughed and said gotchya. She acted like she did something wrong. which she didnt. I dont know how to explain it. It's just so annoying.

She lives with us and at times the lines of who is Bug's parent seems thin. She is constantly disciplining him and even over riding what we have told him. Or if we are talking to him she will cut in. Or if we ask him a question, she will answer. I highly believe in teaching moments and will ask Bug a question about something that might have happened or just happened or what if this happens type scenarios. She will answer or give him hints. UGH. The other day we all went out to eat, Bug, hubby, me and MIL. Bug forgot to thank the waitress for something and instead of a verbal cue, which at this point he is getting too old for, I was giving him a non-verbal cue so he would come up with the words himself...MIL jumps in and gives the verbal cue. It just bugs me. When hubbby and I are there, she should back down. We keep reminding her, and she is like, I know I know, but still does it. DRIVES ME CRAZY.

The latest piss me off straw was last night. We went to a ball game. the four of us. The crowd was crazy. As we were leaving. I was telling Bug to wait up, dont get too far ahead we didnt want him to get lost. He was great. Guess who goes ahead and gets lost in the crowd.....MIL!!! I even hollered over the crowd to her when I saw she was about disappear under the stadium where the food and exits are. Where are you going...wait up. She looked up and kept going. She didnt say anything to us, where to meet her. what she was doing. Hubby had to use the bathroom so we made a meet spot. We found each other quickly. MIL was still MIA. Hubby went back inside looking for her,he came back saying he didnt see her. I went into the ladies room looking for her...we couldnt find her.

We decide to walk the long distance to the car to see if she just simply left without us...Bug is near tears begging us not to leave without Grana. We try to reassure him that we wont. I am seething. about to blow a gasket. I didnt realize when I was pre-teaching Bug about getting lost in crowds that I should have been teaching MIL instead. Sure enough she is leaning on the hood of the car. She walked the back streets of &^$$&()**** all by herself. Smart woman. She left us worried and searching for her. What the hell. I was so mad. Hubby warned me to stay calm.

I had a million and one things I want to say to her. Instead I calmly say, maybe do you think next time you could stick with us even if we have to walk slower (that was her excuse, she didnt want to hold us up...) I'd rather do that then be worried about where she was. I said. (Besides I am five months pregnant. How fast does she think we were going to be walking and in a speed controlled crowd...arg.)

I am so annoyed with her. It just keeps getting worse. what am I to do?

failed test

I was never good at test...

I failed my early screening for gestational diabetes and have to go in on Thursday for the three hour test. UGH.

If I pass it, I will be screened again later. Man I hate that drink.

I was tested for Bug but passed. Must be being older and heavier that has done me in.

belly shots

hubby and me

Bug kissing Hannah---stretch marks left over from Bug.

Me totally uncomfortable in this heat...

old hair, new hair

before



after...ignore the dark circles under my eyes, and clutter f*** of my fridge.

Better pictures to come. I really love it.

chrysalis magic

Last year all his caterpillar "pets" died. I expected nothing less from this little guy.

I truly thought AJ's caterpillar died . It was lifeless. But I pretended to AJ it was still alive and just sleeping. Not ready to face it's death to a five year old....

But it actually turned into a chrysalis. so excited for him.

When I told him, he said...I know Mommy. I saw it first.

I can't wait till it comes out. yeah.


Simple pleasures. and I didn't have to lie.!!!

hair today gone tomorrow...

Oh that was a horribly bad title...But I couldn't help myself.

Well, yesterday I had seven...SEVEN...inches taken of my head of hair. it's now chin length and doing it's own thing in this humidity.

The best thing about it is I took a five minute shower. It could have been shorter, but I just stood there for three of those minutes. Then I got out. towel dried, put moose in it, a clip for my bangs (that arent quite bangs and curled so as not able to put behind ears to keep out of my eyes) and good to go.

It was awesome.

Hubby knew I had a hair appointment, first in like 18 months. He thought I was just getting a trim and if long enough do locks for love in honor of my Mom's bday coming up this weekend. But I was three inches short and I looked up to the heavens and said. "Please forgive me MOM....Cut it, M." So she did. Mom would totally understand. She is the one that gave me the thick heavy hair. When it was wet it was so heavy...oh the headaches.

So I showed up to Hubby's softball game last night with a new do. As I drove into the parking lot he squealed like a girl...I thought I was going to hit something or someone. I had a moment of panic, until I heard him say, "I love it." That was cool.

By the way...he won his game. It was close up to the last inning when Hubby's team smashed them...They beat the undefeated team. It was a play off game. It was super cool.

I'm off to buy Bug school shoes and his first pair of cleats for soccer. His first season of soccer. I can't wait.

Have a great day all.

Tired & 20wks...UPDATE (responses)

Wow. I am tired. Last night I laid down with Bug at his bedtime and fell asleep with him. If Hubby wasn't talking in his sleep, I would have slept all night. But after that I was in and out of sleep. Not being able to get comfortable. I was only comfortable on my back. which is a big no no. I can't really lay on my left side (uterus side) for some reason it's sensitive. Has been from day one. The leaves only the right side which goes numb after a while. So as you can see it's difficult to find a comfortable sleeping position. Lets hope that the next half of the pregnancy goes quick.

20 weeks. I can't believe it. I am getting a little more mentally comfortable each day. But sometimes like last night as I fell asleep I have a freakish thought that something maybe wrong with my Hannah Girl. Then she moves and I feel better. I can't wait until I am past 30 wks. I think I will be calmer with the knowledge that I surpassed the date I was at when I went into Preterm with Bug.

Bug is wanting MORE to eat for breakfast...Gonna go find him something....He already has had two pieces of toast and OJ....hmmm.... OH no I think he just found his caterpillar that didn't make it through the night....ugh...

wish me luck.
_______________________________________________________________________________________
Update:

So how do you respond to everyone...I guess just an update right...

Melissa: I did buy one of those mega expensive prego pillows. I used it for a half hour reading in bed before falling asleep. It caused a huge HUGE anxiety attack. I was so claustrophobic. I couldnt use it. I tried a regular body pillow...It worked with bug. But not this time around. So I have two different pillows that I use for support in addition to the two I usually use. One is b/w my legs, a squishy one for upper body support and my regular two under my head. Hubby has so completely gotten used to only having a small portion of our queen size bed.

Hillary: OMG. My arms fall asleep too. They are so awkward. I have no place to put it. Hence the second pillow for arm support.


Mary: I so can't believe you are waiting to find out. that would kill me. WOW. I also don't remember being this uncomfortable this early with Bug. It must be because I am six years older and 40 pounds heavier. I am sure you will do much better then me at this stage of teh game. I am already having difficulty getting of our squishy couch. This afternoon I went to sit on the hammock to watch my father in law install a zip line for Bug. It was a long way from standing to sitting. then I went Humph. I think my ass hit the ground. Then Bug wanted me to help him reach the zip line...I had to literally roll off the hammock. With FIL standing there laughing at me. HAHA. funny.

Bug's friend...UPDATED

UPDATE:

so pick up time came and went. No Dad of friend. fifteen minutes go by...annoyed I call cell phone. no answer. I call on the half hour for an our and half. Both home and cell. No answer.

Hubby is fuming. I'm sooooo irritated. I dont know where she works but I know what town so I start calling the businesses industry that she is in. After five inns I find her.

Oh I am mad. She apologizes...I tell her it's not ok. She says she is going to call and wake up her husband who worked nights. He was suppose to pick up their two kids after work...not go home to sleep. WTF.

She calls back. My husband, who is mild mannered rips into her. She says she can't get a hold of Dad. But to drive the half hour to their house to drop off the kids.(if he isn't there, call her at work and she will drive home....AN HOUR PLUS AWAY!)

I get there, dad is walking out the door rubbing his face like he just woke up. he said Mom didn't call to wake him. I told him I had been calling.

He said he didn't know where his cell phone was...IMMEDIATELY after he said that as if on que, his phone rings in his pocket...NO JOKE.

He says all surprised like...oh there it is...I was sarcastic and said...OH there it is. I was livid.

SO, hubby and I both agree we wont be encouraging the boys friendship and my blossoming friendship with friends Mom is over. I dont need the lying and drama.

It still amazes me that even after my ten pm call to mom yesterday regarding sick two yo. that we didn't get one call from either parents to check in on their daughter today. Not one. No one asked at drop off or during our calls to them. WTF.

________________________________________________________________________________________


Is it wrong of me to really dislike one of my son's friends. He is only five. He drives me nuts. He whines all day long. If you ask him to do something like, pick up his spilled cheerios he puts his arms across his chest, pouts and stares at the ground with a whine.

He is constantly picking at his penis. ALL DAY LONG. Bug doesn't do this...not even once a day.

I over heard him tell my son "it was fun pulling our pants down last night, right." what do I do about that. They had taken a tubby together earlier. They knew that the other had a penis...I know it was friends idea. Bug never plays or even pays attention to his penis. After initially finding it as a toddler, that was it. He never really touches his.

We caught friend in a lie last night. Saying after he took gum and no longer having it asked for a piece (we put it out of his reach)We asked him what happened to the one he just had. He said, I dont know. Then he went on to say he put it under the couch. So hubby asks him to get it and put it in the garbage. He "looks" for it under the couch and tells us it's too far back he cant reach it. So I look. It's not there. When confronted he says he swallowed it. Well that was no biggy. It was the lie.

He lied again this morning when he hit Bug. and said that Bug hit him first. No he didnt. I was right there watching. Ugh. Bug isn't really lying yet. It drives me nuts.
I seriously dont trust this kid.


Now Bug is whining like no tomorrow. I have no patience for it. I hate it. truly hate whining. It's worse the chalk on the chalk board. My nerves are shot.

I've had friend and his two year old sister since yesterday at 10. and will probably have them past noon today because their parents are working odd shifts and their usual baby sitter is out of state. To add to it all, two year old C hates me. I have never met a child that hates me before.She completely ignores me when I talk to her. Will not let me do anything for her. Changing her diapers, clothes, food, dress her, bath her. It has to be hubby. But he doesn't want to change her diaper or bath her...weird I dont get it. He said he will his own girl. So we hold her down...or he holds her standing up while I put the diaper on while she stands. ...yeah I am that good. and sponge her instead of a full out bath.

Well adorable little pixie C is sick. snotty nose. and cough. Well cough in the middle of the night. It was awful. I am dead on my feet around ten pm. I call her mom. who is home from work by now and say hey, she has really gotten worse. She says give her half of whatever you would give Bug. But doesn't offer to come get her. The plan was to have the kids sleep here so they could get rest instead of going home at ten and back here first thing in the morning. But with a sick child, she is up and miserable anyways each time she coughs. she wont take the teaspoon of medicine. So I am sneaky and take the nipple from her bottle. Put the medicine in the nipple and ask her to have her bottle. In her sleep she takes the nipple. She coughs five minutes later...but sleeps through the night. THANK GOD.

I am irritated with kids mom. She hasn't call once since I have had the kids, for almost 24 hours. This is so off for me since I would be calling on every break. Plus if my baby was sick....

I am so annoyed. I wont be doing this favor again.

Hubby and I both agree...

Two is enough.

OB appointment

So, additional to my peri-u/s earlier this week. I had an OB appointment today. I mention the pains in my stomach. Strange, but I couldnt put a finger on what kinda of pain, but she knew exactly what I was talking about.

It's my c/s scar from Bug, five years ago. She said that it's stretching and we need to keep an eye on it. make sure it doesn't go too thin. Man it hurts. weird.

so a couple of things to keep an eye on with this weeks appointments.

I also did my glucose testing early this morning. man that was nasty. I nearly lost it. I could feel myself go green. But it held and I had it done. I was nervous that at my OB appointment it would show (all that sugar) and there would be more concern for diabetes. I didn't have it with Bug, but I am also forty pounds heavier. But my Dr. said their was no excess sugar in my urine. I dont think I have a sugar problem...but might as well cover all the basis right.

hugs everyone...I'm watching Pollyanna with my MIL.

stomach virus

so all that cramping I had was (is) a stomach virus. Food goes right through me. I did have my peri-u/s yesterday. Hannah has gained two ounces for a whopping 10 ounces. I on the other hand have lost a couple.

everything went well with the u/s except my placenta is low laying. Not too big a concern this early. but something else to monitor. Keeping an eye on it so it doesnt turn into placenta previa.

She is moving like crazy right now. I can't wait until Mike and bug can feel her. I think she is excited that I am up and out of bed and actually drinking more fluids.

I found a baby girl theme at Babyies R Us yesterday that I REALLY want. But well...we dont have the money and Bug's was unisex. I dont care. I really want it. It's called. sugar plum.

It matches the hand stamped boarder from the previous owner's baby's nursery.


Gotta cut this short...Bug needs me....

cramping

I am having such pain on the left side...uterus side. It hurts. My back hurts. I had terrible diarrhea in the middle of the night. Kept me up. Finally fell back to sleep. I dont know how cause it just hurts all over my stomach.

My whole side hurts. the baby side. I have an ultra sound at the peri. on wed. and need to do blood glucose tomorrow. If its not better I am calling the dr.

I am nervous because any movement hurts. just sitting here hurts. but it doesn't feel like a contraction. Just hurts....


....I just hurt.

barely writing...

So I feel really guilty for not updating my blog regularly. I dont know what it is. I just have been so blah lately. I dont want to always be icky and complaining so I just haven't written.

I dont know. I am just so tired and uncomfortable. I'll be 19 weeks on tuesday. Which is wonderful and great and all that. It's been a long road. But I'm learning that being pregnant while over weight is no fun. super uncomfortable. I wasn't overweight with Bug. It was so much easier.

On a good note. I had a job interview on Friday. Hugely showing. No hiding the Hannah Bump. But it went well. I seriously think I will get it. Not impressed with the near hour drive. But it's a straight shot. I have no idea how I am going to juggle all my OB appt. and work. especially with the long drive between potential work and OB and Peri. offices. Hmmm.

(HANNAH IS MOVING RIGHT NOW...I LOVE THAT FEELING....cant wait until hubby and bug can feel too)

Bug wants me...talk soon...

Aug.

We finally have sunny days after months of rain, but it's muggy as hell. I am grumpy as hell. I dont do muggy. I dont do wet heat. I can't breath. The bugs have been awful all summer, mosquitoes that is, because of all the wet. So it's near impossible to go outside without the fear of being carried away.

Bug starts school this month. whoa. My baby is going to school.

I may not be committing or writing blogs, but I am keeping up. So keep on writing.

We are having a......

GIRL

not working.

Not much going on. We had the lawn sale on saturday. totally wiped me out.

But I am excited that we made enough money to buy school clothes for Bug. (he starts kindergarten in less then a month) and have money set aside for the baby.

It's hard that I am still not working. Not getting much in the form of interviews. when I do go in I rock the interviews, but then my belly is big and who wants to hire someone who is going to go out on maternity leave. And they dont even know about the high risk and potential of bed rest at any moment.

I just hope that we can hold on financially until I do work. Which will most likely be after the baby is born.

Bugs allergy testing

So the other day was Bugs big dr. appointment with the allergist. He was such a trooper. I was so proud of him. He had over a dozen pricks on his back and then couldnt really move for fifteen minutes as they set in.

No rash. Meant no Allergy. He didn't have a rash. Not a one.

So they went next to a TB like test where they took needles (Bug was not impressed) and put allergens under the skin. FIVE TIMES. Boy did he scream. But amazingly he was still polite when he cried. "stop please. Please stop."

Again no rash. WTH. I would have bet that he had environmental allergies. Sure as hell felt like it this past spring.

But that is good right. He is still allergic to the fruits that we knew of. Just like his dad. except his dad is worse. We will keep an eye on him. He may grow out of those or may pick up new ones.

But all in all I have a gorgeous. Absolutely beautiful little boy who is healthy as can be. Not bad for a preemie.

Did I mention he was gorgeous. man I love that kid. Although I did tell my former college roommate who just opened a massage business that I would trade him for an hour massage. Oh how great that would be. LOL.

Placenta Previa information

So I have a couple Blog Friends who have recently been diagnosed with Placenta Previa.

Each week I get an email with information regarding the week I am at. (currently 17 weeks BTY)

this week Placenta Previa jumped out at me and I thought of you ladies. So here it is....

Hope it helps. (ignore all the ads. the info is interesting.)

http://www.welcomebabyhome.com/pregnancy/placenta_previa.htm

M.I.A.

so I have been MIA.

During the process of turning the den into the babies room the wireless got messed up. So I was off line for a little while.

That was tough but not as bad as it would be since I have been sick. UGH. and have been sleeping like crazy. I still feel sluggish and it's gone from my throat to my ears.

Fun times.

baby is moving a little more. Cant feel it all the time, but more and more. It's cool.

I am hoping to find out the gender really soon. But not sure when it will happen.

I'm off to take a shower before I lose my boost of energy.

Baby's room

I can't wait. This weekend my father in law is coming over to help my husband move the desk and other large furniture out of the den so I can start turning it into the baby's room.

I have no idea what I am going to do about the closet though. I have been using it for my clothes while hubby uses the one in the bedroom. Hmmm. Gotta think about that. Plus it has my craft supplies and christmas items in there for storage....

I can't wait to find out if I am having a boy or a girl. Luckily the nursery items I have left from Bug are neutral. A pretty light green safari theme. (I love elephants and giraffes)

Bug is wanting breakfast. later all.

tripped...ouch

So about a week or so ago I tripped on two things. Both at night. One was the vacuum not put away by hubby and the other was bucket part of Bugs dump truck. Again not put away. It hurt and I said some pretty colorful words. Went to the bathroom and back to bed.

I dont know which trip did it, but now I can hardly walk. I went to the doc today and they didn't want to do x-rays, well they did, but not with me being preggers. so instead they are giving me a shoe. A special shoe to wear for 4-6 weeks as if I did break the bone just behind my big toe. With the swelling and such she is pretty sure it could be broken, but without the x-ray she isnt sure to the extent. shoe or surgery. So she says go with the shoe and if it still hurts after such weeks then we will go from there, but pretty much can't do anything until after I have the baby. anyways.

Hopefully it's just a small crack (fracture) and the shoe will heal it.

If it's not one thing it's another. UGH.